My Life Among Savages

Winter Camp 2012

2012-01-30T23:08:00.001-05:00

I've been a Girl Scout Leader for two years now.

It's hard to believe. Especially since I have no girls of my own.

Life takes you in weird directions sometimes, but all in all, I've felt that I've been led, one way or another, to where I'm supposed to be.

And this weekend, I was supposed to be at Winter Camp with 6 girls and 3 women I've come to know and enjoy these last few years.

Some highlights:

Friday night was Spa Night. We applied yogurt / oatmeal masks, painted nails, wrapped hair, soaked feet. My own contribution was a tube of henna, which the girls (and other Leaders) seemed to enjoy being decorated with. After we closed down the spa for the evening, we let the girls stay up and whisper late into the night, and the four of us had some laughs as well.

Camp Echo Trail has lots to offer - including a Low Ropes Course on which I was certified almost two years ago. The girls were thrilled to have at the thing, and we were very proud of the way they handled the challenges, and how they worked together and cheered each other on, even when it was frustrating for them.

Every year, our troop plans a party for all the kids staying at a nearby Family Shelter for the homeless. We spent some time this weekend learning how to make balloon animals for this year's party, and we made and decorated the cakes we are bringing. Between meals (which the girls planned and prepared) and these other activities, we let them do what they wanted.

During this downtime, the girls built a stage and planned and rehearsed an elaborate variety show all on their own. They performed it for us that evening after our dinner of campfire mountian pies and smores. We were invited up on stage to compete in a game show they created and between rounds of that, they sang and danced.

It's gratifying to see how these kinds of activities - pampering themselves, challenging themselves physically and mentally, planning ways to serve those less fortunate than themselves, leading, following, planning and performing - are helping these girls grow in confidence and character. I know we're not the only adults in their lives cheering them on, but I'm glad to be one of them.

Getting my backpacking certification in March. When they're ready to go, I'll be ready to take them.

:-)

Day 17 - Dystopia Fiction

2012-01-26T23:32:00.000-05:00

Middle and I are studying Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. It's one of my favorite books, and I'm glad to finally be sharing it with him. He asks thoughtful questions and writes insightful short-essay answers to the questions I give him, and we've had several good discussions about its themes so far.

Reading the book has triggered an interest in other fictional dystopias. The Giver and Feed are next on his reading list, and we're watching Minority Report together tonight. I'm debating whether to have him read 1984 or just let him see the movie. Maybe we'll start with Animal Farm, as we are headed into early 20th century history and can tie it in there as well. As for Brave New World, it's kind of gratifying to see him making connections between the book and what he's just learned in psychology about Pavlovian conditioning, Skinner and Watson's behaviorism, etc.

This is the part of homeschooling I enjoy the most. Picking something cool, tying it in to a completely different subject, recognizing overlaps between science and literature and history and film; using these insights to spark a discussion about religion and morality, free will and what it means to be human.

This is the good stuff.

I hope we still do this kind of thing once he's in Real School. Because for me, this is what learning is really about.

I hope he's enjoying it as much as I am.

Day 16 - Feeling Strong

2012-01-25T22:28:00.003-05:00

What a difference today!

I don't know what changed - maybe I actually got enough sleep for once - but today I felt strong. I ran over two miles and at a faster pace than I'd been going. Then, tonight, we had an especially tough kickboxing class in which I took the harder option every time we were given a choice. I was soaking wet, totally in the Zone, and it
felt
so
good.

One wall of the room we use for kickboxing is almost all mirrors. I was amazed watching myself doing set after set of 50 jumping lunges or 50 jumping squats. Ever since the ankle has been better, I have been completely enamored with my feet and legs. I don't know why - they just seem so beautiful and complex and and strong. They can jump and land, jump and land, over and over. All those little bones and muscles and tendons and ligaments need to be so strong and to coordinate so well for these actions to seem so effortless. A slight change in the position of any of these parts can make running - or even walking - painful to impossible. But right now, they're perfect. Watching them in the mirror, flexing and extending, flexing and extending - I was enthralled.

And running - I can run for miles and miles now and they just know what to do - I don't have to think about it anymore - they just go.

Maybe reading Born To Run contributed to my appreciation of my feet and legs. It certainly made me think differently about my body and what it's designed to do.

I was born to run. And kick. And punch.

Grateful for this body and for all that it can do.

Day 15 - Grateful

2012-01-24T21:38:00.000-05:00

... that Blue Monday only lasted one day

... that we're all healthy in Savageland right now

... that the boys have been getting their work done

... that Savageman and I have been having so much time to spend together

... that we have a nice gym to go to every morning

... that we have a great group of supportive, caring friends

... that we have two sets of supportive, caring parents

... that we have a working refrigerator full of good food

... that we have been active in our Church and continue to find support and fellowship there

... that we have a wonderful dojang family in addition to our biological family

... that we have good movies to watch

... that we have good music to listen to

... that we have good books to read

... that we have a wonderful library system we can use when we run out of any of these things

... that it's election season and we're not fighting over politics

... that our house is getting cleaned and decluttered (this time, the Upstairs)

... that hardships build character and make us stronger

Day 14 - Blue Monday

2012-01-23T21:50:00.001-05:00

Didja ever have a day where all you wanted to do was lie around and eat comfort food?

I never have those days - except today. That's how I felt today.

I couldn't even drag my butt out to martial arts tonight, which probably would have made me feel better. I ran this morning, but only a mile.

I'm craving pasta with lots of cheese. An English muffin with peanut butter and jelly. Something rich and gooey and full of fat and carbs.

And sleep. I want to sleep for a week.

When I realized today was the notorious Blue Monday, I felt a little bit better. At least I'm supposed to be feeling this way. I guess. I had originally planned to host a fancy dress-up / cheer-up party for Blue Monday this year, but those plans never materialized. Instead I wound up in the grocery store, comparing unit prices on bulk toilet paper. (I'm happy to report that we won't have to buy toilet paper again until Spring.)

What I really need is some true Down Time. It would be nice to spend some time just reading, watching a movie (without multitasking), continuing to teach myself to crochet, or (gasp) checking out my NaNoWriMo novel - which is sitting patiently on my hard drive waiting to be read and edited. I haven't even peeked at it. The possibility that I will read it and absolutely hate it is just too, too real at this point. This way, I can at least allow it to be good in my fantasies.

Sigh. I think I'm going to go make that English muffin with peanut butter and jelly. And maybe put in a movie.

And totally veg until bedtime.

Taking comfort in the knowledge that Blue Monday is almost over.

Day 13 - Clean House

2012-01-22T20:02:00.003-05:00

Following Mass, we worked on the house all day.

It feels really good to have a clean kitchen, family room, living room and dining room.

The upstairs office - the absolute worst room in the house by far - is about half-clean.

The bathrooms and the boys' rooms are clean.

Once the laundry is folded and put away, our room will be... still kind of a mess. I keep reminding Savageman that we need to set a good example if we want the boys to keep their own rooms clean, but change is happening extremely slowly in there. Two steps forward, one step back. Maybe once the office is cleaned out, we'll have more space for the stuff currently cluttering up our bedroom.

Tonight, they're all watching football with my parents and I'm here alone going through boxes of stuff, most of which I intend to pitch.

Or rather, blogging whilst avoiding going through boxes of stuff.

Guess it's time to get to it. It will feel oh so nice to have more clean, open spaces.

:-)

Day 12 - New Normal

2012-01-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

The New Normal:

I get up with the Teen at 6:35. I make him a smoothie and get him out the door to catch the bus by 7.

I do a few things, make a banana / avocado / coconut milk smoothie for me and Savageman and I go wake him up.

We get dressed and go to the gym where I run somewhere between 1 and 4 miles and he does the eliptical or weights or whatever it is he does. We talk to people we know. We leave the gym feeling energized - one thing already accomplished.

We spend the car ride home going over the plan for the day.

We get home and jump into what to be done around here. Schoolwork with the kids, cleaning, organizing and decluttering projects around the house, and of course, brainstorming and research, research, research.

I cook up something on the stove or in the crockpot designed to cover lunch, dinner, and usually some leftovers that can be converted into something else. Little spends some time with Grandma doing spelling and handwriting. Middle and I go over geometry and psychology together. When Little returns, he and I do math together and I set him up with his history and science. They both do some independent work until it's time to get ready to go to the dojang.

While we're kicking and punching, the Teen comes home from lacrosse or basketball (or both). He and Savageman bond.

The rest of us get home and eat and have some family time. That's been more of a priority lately, which has been one of the surprise Blessings we've seen.

Another is the good conversations we've been having about life and values and goals and priorities. Asking what God wants of us, tuning in to what feels intuitively right for us at this stage of our lives as individuals and as a family. Asking how we can help each other; being willing to do whatever is needed.

I realize that the unity we've recently experienced was forged in the fire of the work we've done in our marriage over the last year and a half or so. A few years ago, we would not have been so quick to support each other through a challenge as we are now. This isn't to say we haven't had moments - moments are to be expected. But they are quick moments followed by genuine apologies. No grudges, no blame, no contempt.

Like I keep saying - we're going to be all right. I'm looking forward to the coming week and the new information and new challenges and opportunities it will bring.

Glad to have Savageman by my side, and glad to be the one by his side.

Day 11 - Proud of My Kids

2012-01-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

So, not only did the Teen offer to unload boxes in exchange for lunch from the school cafeteria, now Middle has decided that he is going to come up with a way to make money for the things he needs. He normally mows lawns, but since that is not an option until late Spring, he's been trying to come up with a creative idea.

He took the Red Cross babysitting course last summer, so he's certified in infant and child First Aid and CPR. He also assists in teaching the younger kids' classes at the dojang and is extremely patient (yet firm) with hyperactive little kids. I think that if he decided to market himself as a babysitter, he'd be pretty successful.

We've also been talking about other things he could do. Trying to think Outside the Box. Selling stuff on eBay or Etsy. Printing and selling tee-shirts. Homework help.

The thing that really makes me happy is the fact that, when faced with a sudden hardship situation, their reaction wasn't to whine or complain about the shift to "necessities only" spending, but to immediately start thinking of ways they could contribute and take some of the burden off of us. Not only does it make us feel good that they understand and care and want to help, but I'm sure in a way it makes them feel empowered to know that they have some control over the situation and don't have to just helplessly stand by and wait until things get better.

So very, very grateful for these boys, and for the opportunity to see first-hand that the work we have done to try to teach them to be independent and self-reliant might actually be paying off.

Day 10 - Karate Euphoria

2012-01-19T23:28:00.001-05:00

Wow, that felt good.

I mean, it always feels good, but on a day like today - when I haven't had enough sleep, when I was up and dressing for my run before sunrise, when I continued running and running and running all day long without a break and didn't even really want to go in tonight but forced myself - I really didn't expect it to feel good at all.

I took class, which was good, but more of a thinking class than a workout. Then I changed and got ready for kickboxing. My usual friends were already paired up. The only other person without a partner was an older, tough-as-nails, covered-in-tattoos guy who I always see and think, ex-Marine. We've never worked together before, but at this level I feel like I should be able to partner with pretty much anybody, so I waved to him and we grabbed targets and shields and got to work taking turns kicking and punching the heck out of each other.

This guy had serious power. I dug in to keep from being knocked backward while I was holding for him.

When it was my turn, he coached me. He slapped the shield. "This is the enemy, got it?"

"Got it." He had clearly been treating my shield as the enemy, so I was happy to indulge. I gave it a serious beating, doing my best to match his intensity, and he egged me on, apparently surprised that little 5'4" me had that much power.

(If he had any idea of the stress I was working off, he might not have been so surprised.)

Working with someone so much bigger and stronger doesn't necessarily hurt - but it does get the adrenaline seriously pumping. Which makes doing the burpees, crunches, sprints, etc. that much more exhilarating. I did them all.

By the end of class, I felt high as a kite.

Of course, then I crashed mid-way through my childbirth class while my couples were practicing relaxation. I think I was still mostly crashed when I met up with Middle and the other ninja buddies at the cafe.

Now, I'm just feeling pleasantly exhausted. Ready for a hot bath and bed.

I'll sleep well tonight.

Day 9 - Good Air In...

2012-01-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

... bad air out.

Sometimes I need to give myself these little pep talks.

And, as always, coming back to focus on the blessings in a given situation puts everthing in a different light.

Someone commented on how happy the Teen seems to be lately. It didn't surprise me - in addition to the hours he's spent in practice, Savageman has been out playing lacrosse with him almost every day. Having that extra attention from his dad has meant a lot to him, whether he's willing to admit it or not.

Grabbing takeout and eating on the go is no longer an option, so I've been cooking. I've been making something - a pot of chili, a pot of soup, a big salad - something - in the middle of the day. We get lunch and dinner out of it, with leftovers to pick at the next day. Reminding myself of how well I can stretch a rotisserie chicken or a pork roast when I need to makes me feel good, even if I do eat way too much when something's simmering on the stove all day.

Savageman and I have been working out together first thing every morning. I make us an avocado / banana / coconut smoothie and we head for the gym. I run. He either runs, or he works out on the machines or the eliptical. Almost every day we see people we know, and it's a nice opportunity for some social time. Overall, it's given us a very good start to our day.

As I mentioned before, we've been ending the day with some special movie time. The last two nights, we've been watching Glory with Middle, who just finished learning about the Civil War. Once the kids are in bed, Savageman and I have had good conversations about our situation, how we feel, what we'd like to see happen, what we think God is calling us to do. The fact that we've been so together on the answers to these questions is a good sign. We're a team.

There's something about being on the Right Path that feels different. Signs are clear. The right people show up. Yes, it may be far off, outside the illumination of the headlights, but it's there, waiting. Everything we've done to this point has led us to where we are now.

There's nowhere to go but forward.

Day 8 - Productivity

2012-01-17T19:25:00.001-05:00

Circumstances aside, we've been extremely productive here in Savageland in recent days and weeks.

Getting serious about finishing Middle up so he'll be ready for Real School in the fall.

Enjoying Little's newfound enthusiasm for reading, his suddenly quite lovely handwriting (thanks to the work he's been doing with his Grandma every day), and getting him caught up in the areas where he was behind up until now.

Being consistent with our message to the Teen regarding our expectations of him and the amount of responsibility he needs to be taking for his education.

We've been keeping the main floor and basement pretty clean and decluttered and we've started working on the upstairs. It's coming together.

Middle and I have been working hard at martial arts and I have also been running every day, trying to come back from the injury and build my endurance for ToughMudder in the spring. Savageman has been joining me every day at the gym, which has been really nice for both of us.

There's a spirit of cooperation and unity here that I think we all appreciate.

We're going to be just fine in all the ways that really matter.

:-)

Day 7 - Forward Motion

2012-01-16T23:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a week.

So far, so good. We've taken our change in circumstances in stride, I think.

It's required us to alter our routines, our habits and our priorities, all in a very short period of time, but we've been doing it.

Starting each day with a good run has been an effective way to work out any anxiety and get the ball rolling. Forward motion - that's what is important right now.

Staying focused on the things that are under our control helps us not to worry too much over the things that are not. And the truth is, there is a lot in that second category right now. Worrying about any of it would be counterproductive at this point.

Forward motion.

Positive thinking.

Gratitude for all that we do have. Which is a lot.

Faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to. That when we look back on this, we will see the blessing in it.

Day 6 - Family Time

2012-01-15T22:05:00.000-05:00

We're hanging out tonight, watching The Empire Strikes Back with the younger two boys. It's our second night of Star Wars fun, and this was probably my favorite of the series. Middle remembers the movies, mostly because of video games he's played based on them. Little may have seen them once, but he doesn't remember them. So it's been fun experiencing them through his eyes, as we were probably about Little's age when this one came out.

Yesterday, we were working on a special Cub Scout badge with him and he had to gather his family and have us each write nice things about each other. Afterwards, he had questions to answer about the exercise and one of them was to say what he learned from doing this. "I learned that I like to do things like this together. We don't do it too often."

Savageman and I exchanged looks. Out of all of us, family rituals and together time means the most to Little. He is the one who gets excited about having a sit-down meal together, the one who looks at the Family Activity on the coloring page in church and actually wants to go home and do it together. He is the one who asks when we can have a family game night. And he's right - we don't do these things nearly often enough.

I'm glad we have him reminding us of the importance of family time. Life gets busy, we put things off, and in the blink of an eye, the kids are too old for many of the activities we were sure we'd get to someday.

Well, it's someday, right?

So we started last night, with a fire in the fireplace and a movie together, something we haven't done in a while. Today we all cleaned the main floor together after Mass, and I threw a pork roast in the crock pot to make Carolina-style BBQ. We went our separate ways for a while; Savageman and I ran Middle to a friend's house, did some errands, visited some of our own friends for a while and went to the gym. Little went to a neighborhood friend's house, and the Teen studied for midterms. When we regrouped tonight, Little set the table so we could all eat together, and now we're snuggled on the couch watching the movie.

It's really nice.

The theme today in church was "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." We were encouraged to set aside our own agendas and be open to what God really wants from us.

If more family time is what the signs are pointing to right now, we're listening.

Counting Blessings - Day 5

2012-01-14T02:10:00.000-05:00

Feeling grateful today for this blog and for my daily writing time.

I've been keeping this blog since 2006. It consists of fairly private thoughts, and there have been times I have been tempted to password-protect it - but in the end I have chosen to leave it open. There are friends and family across the country who tell me they enjoy being able to come here and catch up on what we're doing through my daily musings and pictures in a way that's a little more intimate than other social media. I also welcome the (very) occasional stranger who pops by to read or comment.

It's good knowing that the people regularly visiting my space and keeping tabs on us are, for the most part, here because they care for us and wish us well.

Sitting down and doing some writing is an important part of my day, especially the gratitude journaling, which has been a good exercise for me during stressful times or difficult days. It improves my mood and puts me in a better mindset, so I approach this space with joy in my heart and almost always leave feeling better than when I came to it.

So if you, reader, are a close friend or family member, or even a stranger who has stumbled upon this blog, I welcome your presence here and invite you to enjoy my daily ramblings and attempts to create harmony out of chaos. In my own way, and in my own small space, I'm doing my part to provide a different perspective from so much of the sarcasm and negativity so prevalent on the Internet.

My hope is that you will come away from here with peace and gratitude in your heart for the blessings in your own life.

It's a time of uncertainty and change for us, and hopefully of growth as well. As I was explaining to Little yesterday - when you're driving in your car at night toward a far-off destination, you can follow the signs and generally have faith that you're headed in the right direction and will get there eventually if you keep driving. There are things you can learn along your journey if you pay attention and spend your travel time wisely.

But - if you can only see the 20 feet or so ahead of you that show up in the headlights, you're dealing with uncertainty. There could be sudden turns in the road, or bumps, or even big holes to go around. You just don't know, and that part can be a little stressful. So what do you do? You take a deep breath and you keep driving, and you sing songs and play games in the car to keep it fun, and you think and talk about all the cool stuff you're going to do when you get to where you're going.

You say a little prayer that you will arrive safely.

I'm grateful for a general idea of our destination, for lessons we'll learn along the way and for the people who are here to share it, who are encouraging and supporting us and wishing us safe travel.

And I'm grateful for this space, where I can document all of this - so that a year or two from now, we can look back and laugh. :-)

Day 4 - More Farm Show!

2012-01-13T19:27:00.000-05:00

Today was a much-needed day of fun, spent in the company of good friends.

We began with lunch at the Farm Show and ended with sparring, pizza, and an impromptu after-party that lasted late into the night.

Good times with good people.

And alpacas.

Counting Blessings - Day 3

2012-01-12T23:03:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a stretch tonight, but I'll give it a shot.

Ativan? I could be grateful for some of that.

Okay, being serious now - I just spent an hour kickboxing and two hours teaching pregnant women how to breathe and relax.

I don't need no stinkin' Ativan.

Red wine, maybe.

(Deep breath.)

I am grateful for a roof over our heads. Healthy food to eat. Boys who are being good and not wasting said healthy food.

Clothes to wear.

(Oxygen. Oxygen is good.)

Kickboxing. Kickboxing was really good.

The already-paid-for-the-year gym membership. And three-months-paid martial arts.

My parents, who are blissfully enjoying a cruise to beautiful, warm places.

Friends who fed me coffee and breakfast this morning, friends who drove my kids around this evening. Friends to spend the day with tomorrow. Help that will be there when we need it.

Savageman, the best friend of them all.

(Another deep breath. I'm a pro at the breathing thing.)

Okay. That's better.

Counting Blessings - Day 2

2012-01-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm thankful for the Teen, who took the initiative at school today and worked it out with the cafeteria so that he could unload boxes for them in exchange for lunch each day. This will save us hundreds of dollars over the next few months, as lunch in the Catholic school cafeteria runs about $5 per day.

Kudos to him for taking responsibility for this and making it happen right away.

I'm also thankful for volunteer opportunities of my own today, empowering women at the La Leche League and Girl Scout meetings I helped facilitate. There will be no free lunch associated with either, but I'll gladly take any good Karma that might come my way as a result of these invested hours tending to the needs of overwhelmed new mothers and rambunctious pre-teen girls. Tonight, we helped the girls plan our second visit to the Interfaith Family Shelter to paint faces, do crafts and play games next month. Their continued enthusiasm for reaching out to those less fortunate than themselves was inspiring as always.

Putting the focus on helping others, especially those in immediate crisis or need, can really put things in perspective.

Continuing to remind ourselves of how very Blessed we have been.

Counting Blessings

2012-01-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

Especially tonight, as we started moving our books down to their new home. Savageman and I had a really nice day together, enjoying each other's company, the home we've made together, a bunch of good friends, and of course, our children.

Despite the curveballs Life sometimes throws at us, we are Blessed.

Sometimes it's the curveballs themselves that help remind us of this.

Tonight, I am grateful for a marriage that has held up through so many challenges, and for a husband who still makes me laugh, who still rubs my feet, and who loves and needs me as much as I love and need him.

We promised each other - for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Like I told him the other day, "We may not be perfect, but we're perfect for each other. And that's what matters."

Going to go find him and hug him now.

:-)

At Long Last...

2012-01-09T21:58:00.001-05:00

I have a Nice Living Room.

And a Nice Cat to go with it. (She's on the loveseat.)

I finally finished bolting the bookshelves to the wall today. 96 square feet of storage should do us some good around here. Can't wait to see what they look like loaded up with books and CDs.

Also, happy to finally have the Coffee Bar I've been wanting in the dining room. Moving all the coffee and tea paraphernalia out of the kitchen has freed up quite a bit of counter space while still allowing me easy access to my daily caffeine.

All in all, I'm pleased. It's been a long process, but we're in the home stretch, finally.

:-)

Thoughts for a New Week

2012-01-08T23:06:00.002-05:00

Good stuff here, which I have borrowed and reposted below. It's simply and cheerfully written, and I'm posting it as a reminder to my children as well.

More importantly, it is the example I try to set for them each day.

Excellent reminders at the start of a new week and a new year.

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

by Jacob Sokol

Express gratitude. - When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value. Kinda cool right? So basically, being grateful for the goodness that is already evident in your life will bring you a deeper sense of happiness. And that’s without having to go out and buy anything. It makes sense. We’re gonna have a hard time ever being happy if we aren’t thankful for what we already have.
Cultivate optimism. – Winners have the ability to manufacture their own optimism. No matter what the situation, the successful diva is the chick who will always find a way to put an optimistic spin on it. She knows failure only as an opportunity to grow and learn a new lesson from life. People who think optimistically see the world as a place packed with endless opportunities, especially in trying times.
Avoid over-thinking and social comparison. – Comparing yourself to someone else can be poisonous. If we’re somehow ‘better’ than the person that we’re comparing ourselves to, it gives us an unhealthy sense of superiority. Our ego inflates – KABOOM – our inner Kanye West comes out! If we’re ‘worse’ than the person that we’re comparing ourselves to, we usually discredit the hard work that we’ve done and dismiss all the progress that we’ve made. What I’ve found is that the majority of the time this type of social comparison doesn’t stem from a healthy place. If you feel called to compare yourself to something, compare yourself to an earlier version of yourself.
Practice acts of kindness. – Performing an act of kindness releases serotonin in your brain. (Serotonin is a substance that has TREMENDOUS health benefits, including making us feel more blissful.) Selflessly helping someone is a super powerful way to feel good inside. What’s even cooler about this kindness kick is that not only will you feel better, but so will people watching the act of kindness. How extraordinary is that? Bystanders will be blessed with a release of serotonin just by watching what’s going on. A side note is that the job of most anti-depressants is to release more serotonin. Move over Pfizer, kindness is kicking ass and taking names.
Nurture social relationships. – The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep, meaningful relationships. Did you know studies show that people’s mortality rates are DOUBLED when they’re lonely? WHOA! There’s a warm fuzzy feeling that comes from having an active circle of good friends who you can share your experiences with. We feel connected and a part of something more meaningful than our lonesome existence.
Develop strategies for coping. – How you respond to the ‘craptastic’ moments is what shapes your character. Sometimes crap happens – it’s inevitable. Forrest Gump knows the deal. It can be hard to come up with creative solutions in the moment when manure is making its way up toward the fan. It helps to have healthy strategies for coping pre-rehearsed, on-call, and in your arsenal at your disposal.
Learn to forgive. – Harboring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well-being. You see, your mind doesn’t know the difference between past and present emotion. When you ‘hate’ someone, and you’re continuously thinking about it, those negative emotions are eating away at your immune system. You put yourself in a state of suckerism (technical term) and it stays with you throughout your day.
Increase flow experiences. – Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still. It’s when you’re so focused on what you’re doing that you become one with the task. Action and awareness are merged. You’re not hungry, sleepy, or emotional. You’re just completely engaged in the activity that you’re doing. Nothing is distracting you or competing for your focus.
Savor life’s joys. – Deep happiness cannot exist without slowing down to enjoy the joy. It’s easy in a world of wild stimuli and omnipresent movement to forget to embrace life’s enjoyable experiences. When we neglect to appreciate, we rob the moment of its magic. It’s the simple things in life that can be the most rewarding if we remember to fully experience them.
Commit to your goals. – Being wholeheartedly dedicated to doing something comes fully-equipped with an ineffable force. Magical things start happening when we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to get somewhere. When you’re fully committed to doing something, you have no choice but to do that thing. Counter-intuitively, having no option – where you can’t change your mind – subconsciously makes humans happier because they know part of their purpose.
Practice spirituality. – When we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us. We surrender the silly idea that we are the mightiest thing ever. It enables us to connect to the source of all creation and embrace a connectedness with everything that exists. Some of the most accomplished people I know feel that they’re here doing work they’re “called to do.”
Take care of your body. – Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be. If you don’t have your physical energy in good shape, then your mental energy (your focus), your emotional energy (your feelings), and your spiritual energy (your purpose) will all be negatively affected. Did you know that studies conducted on people who were clinically depressed showed that consistent exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft? Not only that, but here’s the double whammy… Six months later, the people who participated in exercise were less likely to relapse because they had a higher sense of self-accomplishment and self-worth.

Farm Show 2012

2012-01-07T22:48:00.003-05:00

Sparring Night

2012-01-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

The martial arts highlight of the week.

I had two easy matches, two difficult matches against second-degree black belts, and one against my son, who wins trophies at this stuff.

Of course, this wasn't point sparring. This was continuous sparring, where each round lasts 15-20 minutes without breaks.

I was drenched and exhausted at the end of it, but I felt good about how it went.

And, as aways, there was pizza to enjoy afterward.

Little brought glazed cake pops we made today with his new cake pop device. Savageman and the other guys watched college football. The kids made their weekly pilgrimage to the Big Lots and generally loitered outside, riding around on their ripsticks and other skateboard-type devices and showing off for each other.

There was much laughter as always, and we closed the place as always.

Good times.

:-)

Wow, I'm Tired...

2012-01-05T23:30:00.000-05:00

After about a week without a martial arts class, I went back today - took kickboxing, then class, then another class for good measure.

And in both classes, we had to practice various falls, which was a little scary since it was the first time really working on them since the rib injury during my test.

But I did them, and I don't seem to be any worse for the wear, at least for now.

Plus, I was in the gym by 7:10 this morning, and ran two miles, which also seemed to go fine, although I was careful to warm up slowly and and ice my foot afterward, just in case.

(Note to self: wearing fresh workout clothes to bed makes it a whole lot easier to get up and go to the gym in the morning. It's the changing out of the warm pajamas that really makes it unpleasant, and today I didn't have to.)

The thing that really amazed me was how tired I was, going from the vacation sleep schedule to the bed-at-1 a.m.-and-up-with-the-Teen-at-6:40 a.m. schedule. That and the lack of exercise really did a number on my mood and energy level these last few days.

Tonight, after all that work, some time out with friends, and some caffeine, I feel like I'm finally getting back to normal.

Happy Birthday, Little!

2012-01-04T08:14:00.001-05:00

Nine years ago, after a three-hour labor spent peacefully floating in a warm bath in a dark room, you came into the world, alarmingly silent for the first few minutes.

Like everything else with you, breathing happened on your timeline, not ours.

But despite the fact that you totally freaked us out, when you were ready to breathe and cry and do what new babies are supposed to do, you did it and everything was fine.

Amazing how even after we've raised two boys, another one can come along who teaches us a whole new approach to parenting.

And what's with the left-handedness? And spending years thinking you were a cat?

Wacky stuff.

Anyway, you're my sweet Little Bear. My personal chef. My easygoing, happy-go-lucky little guy who doesn't sweat the small stuff, who isn't rattled when other people lose their cool, who merely shrugs things off and goes on his merry way.

I try to be more like you every day.

I Want To Be Like This Guy

2012-01-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

Anyone want to join me?

Grinch Me

2012-01-02T23:17:00.003-05:00

Christmas has been dismantled here in Savageland.

The tree has been un-decorated, the presents put away, the Christmas decorations decluttered (reduced by about 50%), and packed away in new, clear, mouse-proof containers. Ready to go back up to the attic.

"Are we putting the tree out by the curb this week?"

"Yup."

They wandered away, bewildered, but seeing the look of determination on my face, they must have known not to question it.

Tomorrow, Savageman goes back to work, the Teen goes back to school, and we need to get back into our homeschooling routine. Also, I'm working Wednesday and starting a new childbirth series next week. The Teen is starting lacrosse conditioning in addition to resuming basketball practice this week. Classes at the dojang started back up tonight. Running starts again tomorrow for me, as the ankle allows.

Also... it's January. I'm ready to read my NaNoWriMo book, and start editing if it seems worthy of the effort.

Christmas is great, but a week before and a week after are plenty. We've been staying up way too late, sleeping even more way too late, eating too much, exercising too little. It was a lovely break, but... I'm ready for normal again.

Starting with going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting up before 7. Which is going to feel like the middle of the night, given the schedule we're currently on.

2012

2012-01-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

So many wonderful possibilities for a New Year's Day post!

"Best of" lists. "Worst of" lists. New Year's resolutions.

The possibilities are overwhelming.

And I'm just plain beat. (That was quite a fun party.)

I will say this: 2011 was good. 2012 promises to be even better.

But for right now, I am grateful:

for my healthy, (and relatively) happy family and extended family
for a sweet husband
for wonderful friends
for my writing, my teaching and my work
for the martial arts school
for my kayaks
for our newly-fixed-up home
for good music, good books and good movies
for the first 4 seasons of the X-Files on DVD - a gift from Savageman

and for a hot bath and a cozy bed - which is where we're headed after we watch the Pilot episode.

Living on the edge tonight...
Happy New Year!

New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T17:54:00.004-05:00

Too stinkin' cute.

Happy New Year! Mwaa Mwaa Mwaa!

Paleo?

2011-12-30T23:31:00.000-05:00

The Teen wants to lose weight and get in shape.

Starting next week he will have basketball twice a week and lacrosse conditioning three times a week, including two sessions per week with a guy named "Sarge" who comes highly recommended.

He has also agreed to reconsider his diet.

A month or two ago, we had this talk and I told him I would support whatever weight control plan he chose, as long as he chose one.

He chose Slim Fast shakes.

And then he gained 15 pounds.

I was skeptical of the idea that drinking milkshakes was going to do much to help him lose weight, but I never thought they'd make him gain so much. I think he was drinking them with meals instead of in the place of meals.

So we're back to the drawing board. And right now, on the drawing board is the Paleo Diet.

I've heard good things. It make intuitive sense. And unlike Atkins and other low-carb diets, you can eat sweets - as long as the sweets we're talking about are fruit.

That's basically the diet - fruit, veggies, eggs, meat, nuts. No dairy, no grains, no beans or legumes. No chemicals or added sugar. (Alas, no Cake Pops.)

I like it!

Tonight, the whole family went to the gym. Then the boys and I went to the grocery store.

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Cheese went in the cart. Cheese came out of the cart. That kind of thing.

On the other hand, it was nice to spend so much time in the produce aisle, letting the kids pick anything they wanted. (Expensive, but nice.) We also picked up coconut milk and more almond milk, and some juice to add to smoothies. We never used to buy juice becuase of the high sugar content, so this was a treat. Not sure if it's actually part of the diet, but a little added to a fruit smoothie probably won't hurt as long as they don't go wild with it.

Going to take the Paleo Diet book upstairs and soak my tired bones in the tub.

Three Weeks

2011-12-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

That's how long the Teen said I had to wait before running again while the tendon in my ankle and foot healed.

I've been paitent and good. No running. Ice and Advil. Stretching and strengthening exercises.

Pain-free, I started up again today. This time, on the track instead of the treadmill. A lot of barefoot/Vibram/Chi runners aren't big fans of treadmills, which probably makes sense, considering the whole point is to run the way we're naturally designed to run. Which isn't on a treadmill.

Running on the track did feel good, despite the fact that it's only 1/16 of a mile long and I had to keep turning. They alternate directions every day, which is fine unless you run on alternate days.

One thing I do like is the little counters they have for people to hold while they run. It's fun to click the button after each lap. These are the kinds of things I need to amuse myself without a TV or window to look at while I'm running indoors.

I only did 1.5 miles today - not wanting to push it too hard too soon. But I left the Vibrams on and went to about 10 stores looking for Little's birthday present from his brothers.

Amazing how when I was Christmas shopping, these things were everywhere, and now four days after Christmas, everyone's out of them. They had the doughnut makers, the cupcake makers, the little pie makers... but no cake pop makers.

So I got a lot more running in, this time outdoors, in various parking lots in the area. Finally found a store that still had them. It looks like it will be fun.

Running outdoors in the cold wasn't actually too bad in short bursts. I might need some warmer running clothes if I'm going to make it a habit.

I also made it to kickboxing and class tonight, where I took a nasty accidental hit to the eye, resulting in an impressive cut and bruise. It didn't stop me from finishing class or joining the gang for a snack afterward, but it will require some eyedrops and extra makeup over the next few days, I'm afraid. I've been told that purple eyeshadow is making a comeback - maybe this is my week to try it.

Tonight, I'm weary. Relaxing and watching Mission: Impossible with Savageman and Middle. Occasionally applying a bag of frozen corn to my eye.

Looking at the adorable cake pop cookbook I got to go with the cake pop maker. (He's going to love this.)

Blogging.

Ready for a warm bath and a glass of wine.

And a fresh bag of corn. :-P

Henna Wednesday

2011-12-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

Gotta love a friend who shows up with Henna.

She blessed my Teen and his room with sage and decorated both of us with beautiful and/or meaningful art. He digs her so much and she always has such good ideas for how he can be more at peace with himself and others.

He got a meditation mat and pillow for Christmas, along with an incense burner and some good Nag Champa, an Om trinket, and a book and CD on meditation produced by her Buddhist Monk friend and mentor.

So the two of them have had plenty to talk about.

It's so good to have another adult in his life who really gets him and loves him for who he is. It's not easy being the Teen. He needs all the help he can get sometimes, and she has been an extremely positive influence on him.

Casino Tuesday

2011-12-27T23:51:00.000-05:00

Savageman and I spent the day with a group of friends at the nearby Hollywood Casino. We'd never been there before, so we were glad to be going with people who had.

It was quite the experience.

We played penny slots. They were actually more like $.30 or $.40 slots because your odds are better playing 30 or 40 rows at a time. And of course, you can double or triple your bet after that as well. We spent a long time drinking free soda and playing with the same $10 or so, but in the end we never really won anything.

One of our friends did, though - she won $250 playing nickel slots. Very fun to watch. After karate, a bunch of us went out as usual - she was buying.

Celebrating with the High Roller. :-)

Monday

2011-12-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

Little and the Teen making Sausage Pancake Puffs together. Quite tasty.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

A Merry Christmas was had by all.

Santa arrived, left the gifts and ate the cookies and drank the milk we left him, the reindeer made a big mess on the front porch as always... the only change this year is that everyone slept in much later than expected. So we got a late start, and thus a late start for the long drive to CT, but it all worked out okay.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

As draining as yesterday's shopping trip was, today's was pure fun. Mainly due to the fact that I was with friends and Middle was with his Christmas Swag Posse.

I especially love Middle's reindeer antlers. The girls have lollipops because one of them just got her ears pierced at Claire's. Good times.

Got everyone's shopping done in a short amount of time. Little got several things from the Kitchen Store, including a Pancake Puff maker, which I think he will really like. We ate in the not-especially-crowded Food Court and headed home to wrap presents. With time to spare.

We went to Mass, and then back to my parents' house for gifts and dinner.

Christmas Prep

2011-12-23T23:46:00.001-05:00

It's days like today that make me realize why I wait to do my Christmas prep and get it done in a few days. It also makes me realize why people who start on Thanksgiving weekend are stressed and grouchy for a month.

I spent the first half of the day here in the house, cleaning and getting ready for tree decorating. Note that we still haven't actually decorated the tree, but at least now we can find it.

The second half of the day I spent shopping. Or at least trying to shop. My kids are impossible. The Teen is on a kick, so he was easy. His gifts were all related to the same theme, and I bought them all Monday, along with gifts for my girlfriends. The other two are a different story. Most of the cool gifts I saw would have been great if 1) they were crafty girls or 2) they were littler kids. They're old enough not to want stuff from Toys R Us. They're young enough not to want bunches of clothes. They don't need any electronics or games. They have plenty of books and a wonderful library system if there's something they don't have. They have a decade's worth of Legos, KNex, Imaginext, etc. neatly put away in bins, ready to be used when they feel like it. They have a well-stocked kitchen (although Little did request his own saute pan, which he's getting. But he helped pick it out so it won't be a surprise.) They have all the educational stuff, art stuff, music stuff, pottery wheel stuff, sock creature stuff, camping stuff... and they rarely use it.

Plus, I just spent my entire Fall purging the house of extraneous crap. I'm not really in the mood to bring in a lot of new crap they don't need.

I'm kind of at a loss. Someone suggested we get them candy. I kind of hate the idea, but I don't know what else to do. We're at the point where we're just buying crap so they'll have something to open. Which is so not what I'm about.

Sigh...

Anyway, I arrived at sparring feeling totally fried from wandering around stores trying to think of things to buy. It was good to go out for pizza and laugh with our friends for a while. But I'm still ready for a hot bath and bed and it's not even midnight.

And I have to do it again tomorrow. :-(

This is the kind of thing I can do as long as it's only for a day or two. If I had to have it on my radar screen for more than a week, it would wreck me. I'm just not built that way.

Ho ho... yeah, goodnight.

First Day of Winter

2011-12-22T23:21:00.002-05:00

A good visit with a friend started off a satisfying and productive day. Nothing like a warm beverage with an equally warm and trusted soul to get the happy feelings and Christmas Spirit flowing. We got the tree today and it's fresh and lovely and smells wonderful. We did some more shopping, spent two hours at the dojang, and then I headed out to Om Baby to meet up with my birthy friends for a Solstice sound circle. The Teen came along, which was really great. It seemed to be exactly what he needed. The other mothers present were complimentary of him, and of the relationship we have, which meant so much to me coming from such an insightful group of women.

We talked, we meditated, we made a sorrowful sound and a joyful sound, we did rounds of Om... it was a good time with good people. My friend facilitated the evening and did a wonderful job of lifting our spirits and helping us prepare for winter. Each of us received a Native American animal symbol card to reflect on during the evening and throughout the winter. Mine was the Dolphin, which I loved. The Dolphin is a power animal, symbol of Breath of Life, Love, Balance and Community. And of course, playfulness.

I couldn't have chosen a better card for where I feel I am right now, and these were the areas on which I focused during our meditation and discussion. Breath is so important to me as a childbirth teacher and as an athlete, and it is what I turn to daily to stay focused and centered. Love and Balance are important in a season of my life where I am embracing new challenges and moving my life forward in so many new ways. And of course, Community is essential to me as I reconnect with my Tribes of both old and new friends - and as we remember to enjoy ourselves and get out to play from time to time. So I'll be thinking about the Dolphin during these winter months. Maybe I'll get a little picture or figurine to hang where I can see it as a reminder of the evening and of what the Dolphin symbolizes.

One of the things the Teen said that really seemed to resonate with everyone is how detached people have become due to technology - the cell phone, social media, etc. He indicated his phone and said, "My generation has too much of this" and then he gestured to the people sitting in the circle together - "and not enough of this." And he complimented me for not letting him have a phone until he was 15. Proud mama moment right there.

When it was over and we had socialized for a bit, we headed to the B&N Starbucks to meet up with Middle and the the Ninja tribe. Warm feelings all around. Hugs and wishes of Merry Christmas to each other and reassurances that we would all be together again next week. The bonds we have formed are strong ones, and no one is shy about saying so. Just about everyone there has had something in their life they have had to overcome. Here, on the other side of that, is perspective and gratitude. None of us takes these bonds for granted. Trusted friends are precious, and we all know it and acknowledge it.

It's been a full day, and I'm heading off to bed feeling warm and satisfied and truly, truly, blessed.

Namaste.

Back in Action

2011-12-21T22:15:00.001-05:00

So tonight I resumed regular martial arts activities.

"Can I throw you?"

"Sure."

And it was fine. I guess my ribs are healed. Was it the self-forgiveness? The massage? The Aleve I'm taking for my ankle? A combination of all three? Whatever it was, I'm glad to not feel so fragile anymore.

Now to address the issue of the ankle...

The Teen talked to the athletic trainer he works for at school and she said no running for 2-3 weeks. I'm counting time already served for that. Ice, double Aleve, rest. I'm compromising on the rest part - no running, but I'm not skipping kickboxing or martial arts classes. The one thing that really hurts it is walking (shopping). Jumping and punching and kicking are fine.

I'm too busy this week to run anyway. Or so I'm telling myself.

And after a long day at work and class, I'm ready to stretch out on the couch with a cat and an ice pack for the rest of the evening.

New Music

2011-12-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

...from my Christmas wish list. .

Love her voice -

Okay... Christmas

2011-12-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

It's the 19th. I started early this year. ;-)

No tree yet, but we did actually go to the tree place - they just weren't open when we stopped by.

But it counts.

Did a good bit of shopping. I especially enjoyed finally getting out to see my good friend at the Heaven and Nature store where she works. It was lovely. I didn't want to leave.

Middle, Little and I spent the whole afternoon Christmas and grocery shopping. We got a lot done, but by the time I was checking out at the grocery store, my anterior tibialis tendonitis was acting up to the point that all I wanted to do was go home, apply ice, and take large quantities of Aleve.

I did that for about 20 minutes and headed out for 2+ hours of kickboxing and martial arts class.

Suck it up, ankle. This is what we do.

Tomorrow I need to make cookies for an evening cookie exchange. Wednesday I work, Thursday features a Winter Solstice party / drum circle, Friday is for last-minute shopping and wrapping, and Saturday is Christmas Eve with my parents. Sunday we travel to CT for the day.

This is my preferred way of doing Christmas - one intensive week, followed by a week of relaxing and enjoying each other's company and our new toys.

Off to put together some gift bags. And ice my foot.

:-)

Peaceful Space

2011-12-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

Spent another day hanging around the house, getting things done. The living and dining rooms are pretty much finished now, and I like the new furniture, new curtains, the coffee bar, and the lack of clutter very much.

Savageman took the boys out for a long time and I had the place to myself. Yesterday, I put together a Pandora station I'm very happy with and the house has been filled with good music all weekend. Good smells in the forms of butternut squash soup and Nag Champa. Good long conversation with a friend without interruptions.

I finally got the Christmas decorations out of the attic. Tomorrow we will get the tree and start decorating for real. And shopping. I'm finally ready to do the Christmas Thing without the tension and stress of it competing with everything else that needed to be done.

Deep, contented sigh.

My ribs even feel better.

(But don't tell Savageman yet. I still want another massage.)

Feeling strong and centered and very blessed tonight.

:-)

Night Out / Deep Thoughts

2011-12-17T23:45:00.001-05:00

After a whole day of hanging around the house, listening to Pandora and doing various House Projects, it was great to get out tonight for some live music with a friend. Good music, good companionship, many beers, and my friend introduced me to a fascinating Sufi Healer who suggested that my rib injury will resolve once I forgive.

Then she surprised me by telling me it was myself I needed to forgive.

I thought that was very interesting. So often, when we think of forgiveness, we think of the hurt we've experienced because of what someone else has done. The focus is on being able to forgive, or at least accept and release, the other person. We don't always consider our anger with ourselves for allowing whatever it was to happen in the first place. Or for believing it couldn't happen.

And that's what lingers, isn't it?

That's what causes people to continue to hurt, to hold back, to be afraid of trusting themselves or others, and, according to this person I met tonight, it sometimes manifests itself in the form of physical injuries or illnesses.

I don't know if I completely believe that the rib injury sustained during my belt test had anything to do with needing to forgive myself, but it was interesting that that was her immediate instinct about it. It was certainly something worth examining.

And honestly, she's right. I am angry with myself.

And if the rib injury was the vehicle by which I was introduced to this person and got into this particular conversation in which I heard this piece of wisdom which I probably needed to hear from someone else and if I go on to take her advice and work on that now... then maybe it's served its purpose.

Which would be great, because I'm sick of my ribs hurting.

As a result of this injury, I have to tell my partners at karate, "I can work with you on this technique, but I have to ask you not to throw me for now." Or, "I can spar with you, but you can't hit me here." I have to ask my husband for massages. I have to ask the kids not to roughhouse with me.

The last two weeks have been an exercise in recognizing my needs and my limits and requesting that others respect those limits. Practice in an area where I clearly needed work.

That, and reframing my expectations of what I believe should happen if I work hard to do everything right. Expecting to be treated fairly in return was setting myself up for heartbreak and injury.

I knew the risks of throwing myself down on that mat.

My Christmas Wish List

2011-12-16T23:34:00.001-05:00

I don't know... World Peace?

Seriously, none of us really needs much this year. Including me. It's a good problem to have.

But I've been asked for ideas, so here are a few:

New music. Savageman is on the Internet bargain hunting in the used CD outlets as we speak.

He usually gets me some cute pajamas too. And socks. Nothing says I love you like socks.

Also Sockasins. The kids found me cute sockasins and toe socks last year - could always use more.

New sparring gloves. Leather. Because vinyl starts to smell after a while.

NaNoWriMo has a cool online store full of goodies (like coffee mugs) for people like me who totally rock and who actually wrote a whole 50,000 word novel in 30 days.
Just sayin'.

Massage lotion. (hint hint)

Sports bras.

Guitar music books?

Will add more if I think of anything, but for the most part, I'm good. Got everything I need right here.

:-)

Working

2011-12-15T23:30:00.000-05:00

I spent the last two mornings working.

Like, at a job.

In my field.

(Not my field as in the field across the street where they're building a house. My field as in I used to be a Brain Scientist before my own brain got so fried from raising children that I couldn't even remember where I put my keys, let alone the role of the anterior cingulate cortex in the modulation of attention. THAT field.)

In any case, it's nice to be working again. I've done it on and off for the last 10 years or so, but my friend and employer has moved to a bigger space with a separate office where I can come in and administer neuropsych tests.

So they're scheduling me with some regularity now, which is great.

With the Teen in school, Middle homeschooling on the Self-Directed plan and Little working with my mom for a few hours every day anyway (Thanks Mom!), the change in schedule hasn't had a major impact.

Although the house is messier than usual this week. I'll clean it tomorrow.

Happy to be dressing up and going to the office regularly again, doing meaningful work that is both challenging and interesting, with people whose company I enjoy.

:-)

Christmas Denial

2011-12-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah... I know. It's only a week away or something.

I'll get to it.

The lights have been on the house for a few weeks. I even bought a cord for them. I just need to find it and plug them in.

And buy a tree.

And get the decorations down from the attic, where I suspect we have a mouse.

Maybe more than one.

Which means that the attic will need to be cleaned out and de-mousified.

So I'm kind of avoiding that whole mess.

Speaking of mess, there's the rest of my house, which needs to be cleaned up before we can talk about adding Christmas decorations to further add to the chaos and clutter.

I got out the Nativity Scene and the Advent Wreath when Advent began. That's the important stuff.

The rest of the stuff - the shopping, the singing, the baking, the crafts... it can wait a few more days.

Plenty of time...

Green

2011-12-13T19:01:00.000-05:00

Belts were presented tonight.

For the first time since last March, I put a color other than yellow around my waist.

My new belt is...

Green.

I love it already.

Green is three colors away from White, and two colors away from Black.

For me, Green represents two and a half years of study, of memorization, of repetition, of sweat. Two and a half years of hard landings, flubbed forms, sore muscles and broken toes.

Two and a half years of up to 10 hours per week in the dojang, and many more practicing between classes in my living room and backyard. Of asking my son to grab or kick or punch me once more so I could get a technique right.

Two and a half years of the most patient teachers and mentors and friends encouraging me and reminding me that even the second-degree Black Belts were once White or Orange or Yellow Belts struggling with the same form or technique.

And telling me that if they could get it, I will too if I keep trying.

Which is what I do.

It's what I do.

And now I'll do it wearing Green.

:-)

Savoring It

2011-12-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

I spent a large chunk of time lying on the couch with Middle today. We were both reading. He had his Psychology text, and then a science magazine; I had a book called Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar. I was pleased that we were reading about the same thing for a little while - his chapter and mine were both describing the concept of "flow" - the state of being immersed in something that is rewarding in itself, when we realize peak experience and peak performance.

He and I both know what that feels like - it happens all the time when we're in our kickboxing and martial arts classes. I would also say I experience that while I'm writing and while I'm running. We had a good conversation about what our different sources said about flow, and how it applies to our own lives.

The book I'm reading describes several reasons why so many children do not have chances to experience this at school. I don't know how Middle will be once he goes to school next year, but I'm glad he's had this foundation of spending large amounts of time doing something he loves, which both challenges him and gives him a sense of mastery. I hope he remembers this feeling of flow when he is choosing his paths in life somewhere down the road.

I also hope he remembers days like this, where the two of us were able to just cuddle up under a blanket on the couch and read together for hours. This is likely our last year of having these long stretches of time together. I want to savor them.

"Be Kind To Yourself"

2011-12-11T23:19:00.001-05:00

Today's spirit-nurturing activity was to go with a friend to see a Buddhist monk speak about meditation and other aspects of mindfulness and spiritual wellness.

There were several good take-home messages from his talk, but tonight, "Be kind to yourself" stands out. For me, this means eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising my body and mind, and surrounding myself with happy, fulfilled people as much as I possibly can.

Hopefully setting an example for my kids to do the same.

:-)

Christmas Banquet

2011-12-10T22:30:00.001-05:00

It's Late

2011-12-09T23:45:00.001-05:00

... and I just got home from a party, so this is going to be quick.

I love hanging out with my hippie-birthy-midwifey friends. It's... comfortable.

Which is, by no means, to say that my other friends are at all uncomfortable - it's just that those relationships took time and effort to develop. With this group, the connection happens right away.

When I meet new people in this circle like I did tonight, there's the feeling of "she's one of us - she's okay." Having spent the last 15 years teaching natural childbirth and breastfeeding grants me automatic membership to this group of passionate homebirthers and extended breastfeeders.

It's nice to feel that welcome, without having to explain or defend or justify who I am. There's a level of acceptance with them that you don't often see. Maybe it comes from being outside the mainstream in many ways.

Feeling blessed to have spent so much time with them this week.

:-)

Writing Tools

2011-12-08T22:58:00.001-05:00

So one of the cool perks to finishing NaNoWriMo is access to free or discounted Stuff.

Today, I took advantage of one such offer and downloaded a program called Scrivener. Clicking the link will give you a better idea of what this is than I can possibly explain, but basically it's a word processor and project management tool designed to help organize thoughts, ideas, characters, plot lines, scenes, images, etc. involved in creating a large writing project.

Like a novel.

I am actually starting to miss my novel. I promised myself I wouldn't read it until January and I'm determined not to even take a small peek. Strictly following NaNoWriMo rules worked well for me this year, and I don't intend to deviate from the rules now. But I miss my characters. I miss problem-solving with them, I miss the insights and plot twists that would come to me in the car or the shower, and I miss spending some time every day in my own little made-up world.

Today I had lunch with a friend who is currently working very hard on a novel of her own, and hearing her talk about how good writing made her feel brought home for me how acutely I have been missing my own project.

So I came home and downloaded this software, which we both agreed was Pretty Darn Cool.

And it's got a two-hour tutorial, which should take me about a week to get through, since I really don't have a lot of extra time to be writing, or playing with writing tools, between now and Christmas.

Not that I'm complaining, because it's Good Busy. Working out. Eating out. Regular part-time employment. Childbirth doula opportunities. Christmas prep. And of course... parties. On top of the normal schoolwork and housework, it's a lot, but it's all good. And it's keeping me busy enough to resist the temptation to read and edit too soon.

Honestly, even without all the fun stuff going on this month, I have a long enough list of other people's books I want to read before I go back and try to read my own - as evidenced from the column on the right of partially-read books stacked on my nighttable or downloaded to my Nook. So even during what little down-time I'm getting, I shouldn't be tempted. Much.

And by the time I finally do get back to working on it, I will have this cool program to help me.

Going to take some time to go through the tutorial, then I'm hitting the bath with a glass of wine and a book someone else wrote.

:-)

Back on the Horse

2011-12-07T21:25:00.001-05:00

I took Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off.

I still ran, but no martial arts, due to the continued discomfort in the back portion of my ribs on the one side, which I have decided are bruised, not broken. I had to have a little talk with the ribs today regarding the needs of the rest of the body and I guess they understood because I made it through kickboxing and class without much of a problem from them.

In exchange, I agreed not to be thrown for a few more days.

Tonight, I'm pleasantly exhausted. I was supposed to work today, but my client cancelled at the last minute, so I used the time instead to get the house picked up and go for a long run. Got a lot of work done with the boys, made Real Food for dinner and got in for the two classes. Now I'm going to relax, eat a treat Little created from his new Cookie Magazine, put my feet up, and watch a movie with Savageman and Middle.

Feeling like I've earned it.:-)

Little on Emeril

2011-12-06T10:27:00.001-05:00

I Did Not Go To Karate Tonight

2011-12-05T21:32:00.001-05:00

But I did go out to a new Japanese restaurant and I did try raw sushi for the first time.

Wow, it was good. Especially considering I wasn't going to even taste it. I wound up going back for seconds of the tuna, which tasted better than the best steak I've had in recent memory.

(Savageman just came in and said, "I'm not staying home to care of you tomorrow...")

Good to try new things once in a while, and good to have some quality time catching up with a friend.

And while I didn't go to karate, I did run 3.5 miles this morning, which actually felt Easy Peasy, so the plan is to bump it up again this week to 4. I guess the rib is not actually broken, or I wouldn't have been able to do that. I also managed not to take any Motrin today. Breathing feels okay now, just not touching or moving my torso. Maybe an Aleve would be a good idea tonight, come to think of it...

In any case, I've been advised to take a few days off to recover, which I don't mind at all if I'm going to do fun things like go out to dinner.

Also, Little got his Christmas Cookie magazine today and is, at this moment, upstairs reading it under his blanket with a flashlight, formulating his diabolical plans to bake us all into fat pants this month. I suppose I could help him with that tomorrow.

Hitting the couch with an ice pack and a movie.

Blessing Way

2011-12-04T21:25:00.001-05:00

One of my friends is about to have a baby.

Today, a group of us gathered around her, lit candles, read affirmations, and massaged her with good-smelling lotions. We each presented her with a bead we had brought for her to make into a birth necklace.

These rituals, paired with beautiful music and delicious food, created a wonderful little retreat for us Birth Mamas. I don't think that my friend was the only person to leave feeling nourished by it.

To an outsider, I can see how this "alternative baby shower," might look a little odd. But I think many can agree that, in our culture, we don't have enough of these kinds of rituals that bring us together to celebrate these major milestones in our lives. And when we do get together to celebrate a new bride-to-be or mother-to-be, the focus is too often on the "stuff" - and not on the person and the milestone we're celebrating.

Spiritualism has given over to commercialism.

Our gifts to her today were our beads, our hands, our voices, and our wisdom. And the constant reminders that she is not alone and has a "tribe" to draw upon should she need us during her birth, as she learns to breastfeed again, or as she struggles with the new challenges of being a mother of two.

Isn't that what a new mother really needs?

It's Not Easy Testing for Green

2011-12-03T17:02:00.001-05:00

But it's empowering. I wasn't perfect, of course, but I felt extremely good about it, especially given how nervous I was during the mock tests this week where I froze up and forgot basic stuff.

I felt like it was much harder than a normal cardio+class. Can't believe I tried to trick myself into thinking it was the same thing. :-P

Thinking we moms look pretty good given what we've just been through for the last two hours...

In any case, once the adrenaline was pumping - and there was a LOT of adrenaline for me in this test - I was pleased with how clear-headed I was. I think I do a lot better when I don't overthink things, and I was so exhausted by the physical part of the test that I wouldn't have been able to think if I had tried.

Somehow, that worked for me.

Another change I've seen since my last test 6 months ago is how quickly I was able to regain control of my breathing and heart rate after very intense exercise / stress. I credit the running in part - my resting pulse is much lower now, and I've noticed my recovery rate is much faster than it used to be when I've monitored it.

Tonight, I'm relaxing. A little worried I might have injured a rib, so I'm icing it and taking Motrin. Trying to just rest and recover.

A Little Stressed?

2011-12-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Six months of working on the Green Belt material and the Big Test is tomorrow morning.

36 Taekwondo actions
25 Fighting techniques
30 Hapkido techniques
5 Judo techniques
11 forms of 20+ moves each
2 nunchaku forms
1 sword form
15 different types of falls

Not to mention the physically challenging part of the test - the burpees, pushups, crunches, & continuous sparring - interspersed with the memorized material listed above...

And the emotional stress of having my teachers and mentors and fellow students watching, and having Green Belt expectations of me now...

And knowing that I totally choked in each of the mock tests I took this week, including tonight...

I work too hard at this to suck at it on the day of the test.

(The irony of it is, the more I think that, the worse I suck. I'm quite good at psyching myself out.)

So tomorrow, I'm going into this like it's a regular double class, which I take all the time. That's how I need to keep thinking about it. Just like a regular cardio+class. Grueling and exhausting, but in a good way.

Green will be such a nice color to wear around my waist.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to growl at people. I've had a lot on my mind, and a lot of responsibilities to juggle. Preparing for this test was just enough to push me over the edge into not-so-nice, but it will be over in a few hours and I will sleep and recover and be back to my usual sweet self.

I promise.
:-)

In Five Short Months...

2011-12-01T10:49:00.001-05:00

Bumped the running up another half mile today and bumped all my weights up by 5 lbs.

So psyched.

Little's Cooking Show Debut

2011-11-30T20:09:00.001-05:00

Today was the day that Little and his Little Friends were seen on TV cooking with Emeril Lagasse on his new show, Emeril's Table. Here's a picture from today's episode. Little is wearing yellow, unfortunately obscured by the cute girl in light blue.

Going with our friends to NY for the taping last spring was a blast. We think there should be a reunion show a few years from now with the same kids. :-)

Here's what they made:

Edamame with Sesame Oil and Sea Salt

Emeril's TableGet the Recipe

Hot and Hearty Minestrone

Emeril's TableGet the Recipe

Fruit Smoothies

Emeril's TableGet the Recipe

Oven-Baked Chicken Fingers with Healthy Ranch Dipping Sauce

Emeril's TableGet the Recipe

That was our excitement for the day. If I figure out how to upload the DVD, I'll add a clip. Here are some pictures from the trip:

Doing the Happy Dance

2011-11-29T08:01:00.001-05:00

Got up and finished this morning. It still needs a lot of editing. But it's done!

DONE!!!!!

50,151 words. 29 days of writing.

It has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Interesting characters doing their best to survive under challenging circumstances.

Descriptive verbs.

And I'm DONE!!!!

Happy dance, happy dance, silly dance, silly dance...

My progress screen this morning

(And then I ran 3+ miles and did 20 minutes of weights, which would have been a major accomplishment in itself a year ago. All before 10 a.m. This is a good day.)

Kayaking with Savageman

2011-11-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

What a gorgeous day to be on the water! We put the kayaks in near our house and took about a half-hour trip downstream, then spent another half-hour or so just paddling around looking at the birds and the deer and just being silly out in the middle of the water together.

We saw lots of ducks, several blue herons, two redtail hawks, and a family of deer. The creek was still kind of high, but the current wasn't too fast and the water felt good for dipping feet.

Loving all this warm weather. Each time I go out, I think to myself that this might be the last time for the year, so I really want to enjoy it - and then I get another nice day like today, which was great to share with Savageman. He took the SlimJim and I had my new (aptly named) BlueberrySmoothie. I like them both just fine, but the BlueberrySmoothie is especially nice and fits me perfectly.

Very happy with the purchase, and with the second car rack. The helpful people at Blue Mountain Outfitters explained that I could strap a third kayak inbetween the other two if necessary. Good to know.

Not holding my breath for another warm day like this as we head into December, but you never know. Either way, I was glad to have had this time alone with my hubby to play with our new toys.

:-D

85%

2011-11-27T00:19:00.001-05:00

"Writing a novel in a month is utterly ridiculous, an undertaking for fools and those who don't know any better. Thankfully, we belong to the latter camp, which makes us dangerously powerful writers. Liberated from the constraints of constructing a pretty and proper novel, we are free to run, naked and whooping, through the valleys of our imaginations.

This month, your story will achieve an at-times frightening force and velocity. Go with it. Write wildly, joyfully, in huge and bounding strokes. Was that last page the worst thing you've ever written? Maybe. Does it matter? Nope. All words are good words this month. Follow tangents. Change directions at will. Stay loose. Make messes. Laugh at it all. You are doing something weird and wonderful here, and none of it will go on your permanent record."

- Chris Baty, No Plot? No Problem!

I took a break with 774 words to go for the day and just re-read No Plot? No Problem! - the official user's guide to NaNoWriMo - for a little pep-talk.

Good stuff.

I think I have my ending. It's very different from what I thought it would be, but it's fitting.

And honestly, it could still change. I still have 4 more days of writing / 7500 words ahead of me. Stranger things have happened.

I would be feeling sad that this is almost over - like the feeling you get when you're really enjoying a book you're reading and you know you're almost done - except I know how rough this rough draft probably is and how much editing it will need when I let the Inner Editor out of the box to have at it in January. I already have a list started of things I want more of, plot lines I've neglected to develop enough, characters who are still not quite three dimensional. Going back over it and expanding and tinkering will be fun, especially if I embrace the task with the same self-discipline I've drawn upon to write the rough draft.

I'm learning so much from this experience. It's given me such an appreciation for other works of fiction and the writers who create them, it's taught me that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (and then another, and then another). It's taught me just how much I can do if I can successfully shut off the nay-saying, critical voices in my head. And it's reminded me of what a great guy I married, because he's been wonderful about all of this, even though I know he secretly can't wait for December.

Getting back to it now... I have a little more I want to write before bed.

New Sport

2011-11-26T22:05:00.001-05:00

The Teen started playing Lacrosse.

That's him in the middle. He plays defense and he looks quite intimidating with all his gear on and that 6 foot long stick in his hands.

I think he's good at it, but really I have no way of knowing since none of us knows anything about this sport whatsoever. It looks kind of like a hybrid of soccer and hockey.

I guess I have to get a book out of the library.

My Black Friday Purchase

2011-11-25T19:23:00.001-05:00

Some people got video games, some got TVs, gadgets, DVDs, appliances, computers or clothes.

I got a blue kayak.

I didn't have to push anyone down or hit anyone or pepper spray anyone to get it either. It's brand new and I got a good price at Blue Mountain Outfitters, along with the paddle, two new lifejackets and a second car rack. The woman who sold it to me really knew her stuff and helped me make the best choice for our needs.

So now the Swifty (a.k.a. SlimJim) has a friend named Impulse (Blueberry Smoothie?) and we have all the equipment we need for a fun day for two on the creek.

As for the rest of Black Friday, I got Little's birthday present (his birthday's right after New Year's), and spent several hours hanging out at the mall with Middle. Ran into our karate friends there and had lunch. More time with karate friends at the gym and now Savageman has taken the kids to see a movie so I can write.

Speaking of which...

:-)

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T20:56:00.001-05:00

Another trip to NJ today. After 6 hours in the car, I'm ready for a hot bath and bed.

But it's Thanksgiving and I want to take a minute to list some things for which I am thankful.

I'm thankful for friends who convinced me to come out for a 5k run this morning. It felt great, was a lot of fun, and I got to spend some time with people I don't often get to see. I'm thankful for this body that I never in my life thought would be athletic, and for the karate school and my friends and instructors there who have shown me that it is. I'm thankful for my running friends who have enlightened me to new ideas that have made running feel good and natural, like something my body is supposed to do.

Thankful also for the challenges of NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo this month. The more I write, the more natural it feels to me. I'm loving reconnecting with my inner writer - I haven't seen much of her since middle school and she is delighted to be creating again. This will be the first NaNoWriMo that I will actually complete, and I'm very, very excited about that. So thankful my family has been enthusiastic and encouraging about all the writing (and kicking and punching) I've been doing.

Thankful for a long car trip today on which I could get a lot of writing done, for a comfortable van and a husband who enjoys driving, for two sets of parents who are generally healthy and active, for a wonderful sister and brother-in-law, for aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews we get to see on such holidays as today.

Thankful for my boys, who were so good with the little kids and such a pleasure to have with us today.

Finally, I'm so very thankful for Savageman - my best friend, my personal comedy act, my cheerleader, my comforter, the one who knows and loves and accepts me, flawed as I am. So incredibly grateful for him and for the life we've created for ourselves.

75%

2011-11-23T21:27:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I passed the 75% mark on the NaNoWriMo novel.

Now, the focus is on Finishing.

How is this going to end? How can I work it so that it ends in the next 12500 words or so? How do I tie up the loose ends and make this come out in a way that will feel satisfying?

This is my challenge this week.

The Author Pep Talk arrived in my inbox tonight. The highlight for me:

Some new writers spend years planning and preparing, but never get to the actual writing of the book. Others are “eternal rewriters” [me] who habitually get three chapters into a book, then go back and revise over and over. Others get mired in the death zone: that most difficult part of a book between the one-third and two-third marks.

If you’ve never finished a book before, your goal in NaNoWriMo should be to hit that finish line. Don’t revise. Don’t stop and plan. Keep going, no matter what. The NaNo website talks a great deal about this goal, and I suspect other pep talks will cover the point in depth. So rather than belaboring the point, I’ll just reference my own personal experience.

The biggest jump in quality I made as a writer came in finishing my first book and starting my second. Writing an ending, then being able to look back and see the entire book, taught me more about the process than years of education, years of reading, and years of starting ever had. Finishing one book is more valuable than a dozen creative writing courses and a thousand books started. I’ve seen this time and time again in other writers I know.

My new mantra: Don't think. Just finish.

You've come this far.

You can do this.

Just finish.

Almost There...

2011-11-22T15:04:00.001-05:00

Slow and steady wins the race.

Also NaNoWriMo.

I'm close to 75% done and a lot still needs to happen in my story. But the plan is to wrap it up by 50,000 words / November 30th. I can always go back and pad it later when I edit it.

My protagonist will soon be faced with a choice and, while I have some idea of how she's going to go on this, she could still surprise me. That's how it's been so far, and the suspense of finding out what happens is a large part of what's keeping me writing.

All in all, it's been a fun ride and I suspect it's about to become even more fun. I'm happy that I've been able to stick to the schedule with a minimum amout of stress or interference with my regular activities. 1700 words a day really isn't that much when you enjoy what you're writing.

Ready for the final push to finish. I can't wait to find out how it ends.

:-)

Gotta Write

2011-11-21T21:33:00.001-05:00

I have 1600 words to write for NaNoWriMo, it's 9:40, Savageman wants to watch a movie together, I just got home from the dojang and I'm beat. So let's make this quick, shall we?

I started running again last week. My calves are not as sore today - I guess they've resigned themselves to the fact that this is what we're doing and they seem to be going along with it. Bumped it up to 3 miles today. It's quite enjoyable when I have good music on that matches the cadence of my footfalls, so I'm using a good "running" playlist on the iPod. It feels more like dancing. And everything feels better barefoot than with shoes on, so I'm digging the daily run in the Vibrams.

Home, schoolwork, housework, lunch, schoolwork, housework, library. Dinner for everyone else, Kickboxing for me and Middle.

Tonight's menu:

3 minute warm-up shadowboxing
Pair up and grab a shield and two hand targets
(I paired up with my friend who recruited me for ToughMudder.)

Trade roundhouse kicks with hand targets - two minutes
Take turns doing front kicks while partner holds a shield - 45 seconds each
Back to roundhouse kicks
Front kicks again - 1 minute each
Roundhouse kicks
Front kicks - 1.25 minutes each
(20 crunches, 10 leg lifts, 2 burpees) x 5
Roundhouse kicks again
Take turns doing side kicks with shield - 45 secs
Roundhouse kicks
Side kicks - 1 min
Roundhouse kicks
Side kicks - 1.25 min
(40 crunches, 20 leg lifts, 4 burpees) x 5
Trade hook kicks / roundhouse kicks
Take turns doing spinning back kicks with shield 45 secs
Hook / roundhouse
Spinning back kicks - 1 min
Hook / roundhouse
Spinning back kicks - 1.25 min
(60 crunches, 40 leg lifts, 6 burpees) x 5

You get the idea... We finished with a cool down / stretch and then dashed off to change out of soaking wet clothes into our nice, fresh, clean gis.

In class, we bow in, then immediately we're in a horse stance doing a million single straight punches. Then 36 taekwondo actions in random order that we have to remember and execute properly. Then kata, followed by kata interspersed with 18 pushups (one after each move). Then a series of kicks, then pairing up for fighting techniques, followed by hapkido techniques. We ended class with several hundred crunches and about 50 pushups.

Changed out of soaking wet gis and back into our regular clothes.

Here's the kicker... I drank coffee. I ate a poached egg and some yogurt and granola for breakfast. A few bites of grilled salmon for lunch. A small amount of Caesar salad with a few bites of grilled chicken and maybe 5 olives for dinner. And a glass of red wine.

Tomorrow I will get on the scale and still be exactly the same weight.

I must have a really solid set point.

(Screw it. I'm hitting the secret stash of dark chocolate tonight.)

Time to write...

:-)

Couldn't Resist

2011-11-20T15:59:00.001-05:00

Had to take it out on the creek one more time before the weather got rainy and cold.

Pure Bliss.

Still shopping for a second one because it's a little bit lonely all by myself. But peaceful.

I saw ducks and geese and an egret. The air was warm. Every once in a while, I would hit a pocket of cold air; a taste of what's moving this way.

Today I also practiced lifting the kayak in and out of the car roof rack. It's only about 40 pounds, but it's a little cumbersome. Now that I've practiced it a few times, I feel more confident doing it by myself.

So happy my friends forced me to do this. It was so nice driving over the creek today and thinking, "Wow, it sure would be nice to be out there today" - and then actually going.

:-)

Blogging On The Road

2011-11-19T21:41:00.001-05:00

We're on our way home from NJ and I'm taking this opportunity to practice using the swipe keyboard on my phone to write this. Although it doesn't have internet access, I did bring the laptop so I could catch up on Nanowrimo today- I had gotten a day or two behind and had to do a car ride marathon to get back on track, which thankfully worked. Took a different direction in the story than I'd planned, which was kind of daring, but what the hell, this is what Nanowrimo is all about, right?

Don't think, just write, is what I keep telling myself. Reminds me of the line from Bull Durham : "Don't think- it will only hurt the ball club."

Letting my subconscious run wild, I am.

Got this motivational email in my Nanowrimo inbox today - recording some of it here:

"Delivering a novel in a month must be the most extreme challenge in writing.

"I can’t claim to have done it in a month, but I once drafted a novel in six weeks. That draft eventually became my first published book, Incendiary. There are three things you need to know about that. One, that the first draft was unpublishable. Two, that the obsession and the sleep deprivation drove me to a place of dubious mental stability which, in retrospect, we can all laugh about. And three, that I am more proud of those six weeks than of any other period in my life. It changed me. I was working in an attic room in Paris, living on coffee and nerves. I say “living” – in truth I was mutating. I crossed a Rubicon that they will have to drag my cold dead body back across.

"That’s what you’re doing, if you’re doing NaNoWriMo. You could have chosen to write a short story this month. You could have redecorated. You could have lounged on your couch and absorbed reality TV, formulating opinions about which of the nice young people ought to be your nation’s brand new idol. Instead you have crossed a line of no return. You have chosen to engage – and in many cases reengage - with a dangerous process that changes you."

"...A novel is a living thing and it resists containment within the structures we erect for it. Even worse, the novel has intelligence and it will inevitably turn against its creator. Think of it like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. The problem is that a good character in a novel will reach a point of maturity where he or she is not necessarily biddable.

"...My point is that the job of a novelist is to explore human emotion and motivation. You learn more about your protagonists as you write them. If you are not very often forced by your characters to bin your masterplan, then you are a wooden and a formulaic writer indeed. So, better than having a planned structure is to begin with a character or two, and a theme you intend to explore, and an initial direction you plan to start exploring in. Don’t be alarmed when, on arriving at what you thought was your summit, you realise you’ve climbed up the wrong mountain. That’s why novelists go through drafts – because plans go brilliantly awry."

This is where I was this weekend - watching things take a different turn than I had expected in the story, which will get a lot more interesting and complicated now. It's very much fun to see where this is headed, and infinitely more fun than watching TV or doing Suduko, which could just as easily have taken up this amount of time this month.

In other news, the last two days of adding a 2 mile run to my usual kickboxing and karate class routine has left me with aching calves like I couldn't believe. Guess that answers my "baseline" question... So I need to run more, which isn't a bad thing, actually. Days that begin with a run are almost always more productive than days that don't. The time I invest always pays off. Reminder to myself for the day I know will come when I decide I'm too busy, it's too cold, etc. Don't think - just run. It's better that way.

I'm realizing that "Don't think" was a huge theme for me this month. Starting with the concept of mushin, both in martial arts and in writing. I'm my own worst enemy. Overthinking tends to paralyze me. Or worse, depress me.

I'm realizing I need to more often get out of my own way and just do things. I'm a lot happier, more confident and infinitely more productive this way.

Reminder to myself...

I Signed Up

2011-11-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

No going back now...

"Our 10-12 mile obstacle courses are designed by British Special Forces to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie. Forget finish times. Simply completing a Tough Mudder is a badge of honor."

On April 29th, I will be here participating in this event, which raises big bucks for the Wounded Warrior Project.

The link to make a donation is here.

If my information is correct, there will be four of us from the dojang on the same team - all women. We'll have a good time training for this all winter. :-)

Pictures from last year in Allentown are here.

Some highlights:

I'm a little worried about the monkey bars...

Not kidding about the barbed wire.

Glad I'm on a team.

Wonder how cold that water is...

Back to Barefoot

2011-11-17T00:17:00.001-05:00

Watching this and reminding myself that I need to get back to running, especially if I'm going to train for Toughmudder this April. That's all we were talking about at kickboxing tonight; who's doing it, who's not, what we need to do to train for it... that kind of thing.

Despite the fact that I did about a million burpees this week, my upper body strength is not what it needs to be to get across 25 monkey bars, and I haven't run more than 5 miles in a row, ever - this thing is 10-12.

Of course, it's not all running. There's crawling through the mud under barbed wire, for example.

You know, for fun.

Still thinking about it. I'd do it, just for the experience of it and the camaraderie - if not for fears about injuries. By April, I might be preparing for my red belt test, which is a big deal. Mud is slippery. I'm not a fan of slippery. The dojang is slippery when people are really sweating, but at least you can usually jump over the slippery sweat puddles there.

(I know, Ew. But I'm convinced all the sweat sharing stimulates the immune system.)

Anyway, the video features Chris McDougall, who wrote Born to Run, a book I absolutely love. Running was never really my thing until I learned you can (and possibly should) do it barefoot or at least in minimal footwear. I'll never go back to sneakers knowing what I know now.

Hoping the weather stays nice for a little bit longer - I should probably get a baseline on how far I can actually run before I make a decision about this thing. And how far I can go on monkey bars.

Happy 16th Birthday to the Teen

2011-11-16T07:13:00.001-05:00

Sixteen years ago today, I became a mother.

I was a 26 year old doctoral student living far away from my family. I had been married 13 months.

In so many ways, you and I grew up together.

You have been the recipient of my fiercest devotion and my fiercest criticism. The blessing and the curse of the firstborn, you had my undivided attention and I knew how intelligent you were. I expected a lot from you, and also from myself. We fought bitterly over those expectations and we still bear the scars of them.

Had I to do it over, I would have enjoyed you more and pushed you less. You didn't need me to push you to be brilliant - you had that in you all along, and you still do. Maybe all the energy you put into pushing back would have been better invested into something more enjoyable. I regret that for so many years, you felt like nothing you ever did was good enough for me. Hopefully you know by now that nothing I ever did was good enough for me either. We grew up together, you and I.

They say that our relationships with others reflect our relationship with ourselves. Never has that been more true than for you and me. I'm glad we've begun to move into a more accepting, more enlightened place with each other and with ourselves. I'm just sorry it took so long.

Today you're sixteen and a young man. You have already left the nest in so many ways, and despite all of our worries, you're doing okay. You're going to be just fine, and I want it to go on record that if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me. I love you and value you for the unique person you are, whether you do Great Things with your life, or Ordinary Things.

Most of all, I want you to love and accept yourself and be happy and loving and accepting of others. I hope I've been a better example of that in these last few years.

We haven't stopped growing up together.

I love you as much today as I did that day sixteen years ago when they put you in my arms and you changed my life forever.

50%

2011-11-15T21:51:00.001-05:00

Tonight the word count stands at 25,006.

I'm halfway done with NaNoWriMo - exactly on schedule and going strong for the First Time Ever.

And feeling rather pleased about it, I might add. :-)

I know I've mentioned this before, but going in with a completely different attitude this time seems to have made the difference.

I haven't been stressing about it, I haven't been thinking much about it when I'm doing other things.

I definitely haven't been reading over what I've got so far. That was always the Kiss of Death in other years. Those were the moments when the Inner Editor would work herself free of whatever evil trap I had managed to confine her and offer to just take a small peek.

The resulting deluge of criticism would then wash away any amount of enthusiasm I had for the project. Within a few days of her "small peek," I would give up, knowing I could never live up to my own high standards. I'd rather not even waste my time.

The really scary thing? She looked a lot like me, dealing with my kids. And surprisingly enough, I got the same results.

I'm happy to say that I've had a change in attitude toward them as well. Starting with I let them know that I love and value them. No matter what. Whether they are High Achievers in whatever they are working toward has very little to do with me and everything to do with them, as it will be throughout their lives. Backing off with the criticism and perfectionism has changed absolutely nothing about their performance - but it has done wonders for how we relate to each other, and for the increased confidence and responsibility I see developing in them as they create their own outcomes.

I tell them all the time that people tend to criticize in others what they fear most about themselves.

(Note: It's actually really tough to criticize other people when you've been telling them something like that for a while. They start looking at you in a kind of knowing way. Narrowing their eyes and nodding. That kind of thing.)

Maybe I finally got to the place where I could honestly look at myself though that statement. If I was criticizing them for being lazy or for giving up too quickly or taking the easy way out, maybe that was saying more about me and my own Inner Editor's take on my life than it did about anything they were doing or not doing.

My worries that any one of them would miss out on opportunities to live a full, satisfying, unapologetic, truly authentic life because of the lazy choices they are making now suggested that it might be my own life that needed some attention; my own choices that needed to be examined.

I've done a lot of that.

So now before I criticize (and I mean criticize, not parent*) them, I can ask myself, "Am I putting forth 100% effort? Am I challenging myself? Managing my time well? Showing self-discipline? Keeping my own space clean and organized? Looking for opportunities to pitch in and help? Am I living a full, satisfying, unapologetic, truly authentic life?" If I'm not, I can make the choice to go work on that first. Setting a better example appears to be getting better results from them than all the nagging and fighting and criticism in the world was accomplishing.

They can follow that example or not. That choice is theirs, not mine, and they are the ones who will live the lives they create for themselves.

Meanwhile, I can love them for the unique individuals they are. They really are much more pleasant people when they sense that they are loved and valued, even when they screw up or don't do everything they know they're supposed to be doing. I know I am.

So those are my Deep Thoughts on this, the night I actually hit the 50% mark on schedule for the first time in the many years I have attempted this challenge. I sincerely hope that my kids will have many opportunities in their lives to know how good this feels.

:-)

*criticize: meaning to find fault with, to judge unfavorably, to tear down one's character or actions vs. parent: meaning to guide and nurture, set limits, enforce natural consequences

The Kayak Needs a Name

2011-11-14T23:05:00.001-05:00

... and quickly, because the little Savages have started calling it the Mim SlimJim. They've decided that its hue somewhat resembles a SlimJim wrapper.

Not that they would know what that looks like, since I only allow good, wholesome, non-processed food in my house... right?

(sigh...)

Anyway, the good news is we took it out today and it is indeed Creekworthy.

We had yet another unseasonably warm November day and the quackers and honkers were also paddling around on the creek. Little and I took a ride together to check them out.

Middle thinks the kayak is okay, but doesn't really need one of his own. He was content to take the pictures. Little, on the other hand, can't wait for me to find a second one so we can go out together all the time. I'm keeping an eye on Craigslist.

All in all, it was another great day. Happy in the house, listening to good music and being productive; happy outdoors, enjoying what might be the last of the warm weather and doing something different with the little Savages.

But I need a better name for the boat. Or a fresh coat of paint.

Finally...

2011-11-13T18:34:00.001-05:00

After years and years of hearing me talk about getting a kayak, for my 42nd birthday my Book Club friends decided I'd waited long enough and they were going to make it happen.

So today, this:

Became this:

Thank you thank you thank you all so much for this incredible gift. Can't wait to get it out on the creek, (and to get a second one - I want to go out paddling with each and every one of you.)

Love you all...

I Smell Like Campfire

2011-11-12T19:38:00.001-05:00

Another beautiful day for November. I'm happy to report that I spent a large part of it sitting by a campfire, hanging out with my young teenager, just talking about life and enjoying each other's company while Savageman and Little were off doing Cub Scout things.

I hadn't intended to on the Scout hayride this year. I told everyone I had too much to do at home. But it was too gorgeous a day to skip it and stay inside writing. Or assembling more IKEA furniture, for that matter. Glad I made the decision I did, because it was all still here when I got back, with no harm done.

Plus I smell like Campfire, which is never, never a bad thing.

Life is too short to turn down opportunities to stop and smell like Campfire.

Getting my fragrant self caught up this evening. First, a 2400 word sprint (from which I am taking a break right now with about 1300 words to go). By then, the prospect of putting some furniture together may seem more appealing, especially since the boys are out getting a movie for us to watch.

I'm procrastinating much less this year when it comes to NaNoWriMo. I sit down and start writing. That's it. It reminds me very much of an archeological dig. The story is there - all I have to do is use the tools I have - the little chisels and brushes - to bring it out into the open one tiny piece at a time. It's very satisfying, because I don't know what I'm uncovering next or what other discoveries each new uncovered part will lead to. I have no idea of what's going to happen; I'm just taking it as it comes and letting my characters decide what they want to do next. It's a dynamic process. I hope I'm doing the story justice and using the right tools - and not being too clumsy with them.

Of course, whenever I think something like that, I have to stop to remind myself once again that it's a first draft of a first novel and it's supposed to suck at this stage. Just so I won't be too disappointed when I finally do go back and read it all. January is the month for editing. Right now, all I'm supposed to do is get the story down. And that part is going very well.

On that note... my break is over. Savageman has just returned with the movie and a Chocolate Orange (Whack and Unwrap!) for me to reward myself with when I hit my 20,000 word mark. Hopefully in about an hour.

Diving back in...

Happy Birthday, Middle!

2011-11-11T23:45:00.001-05:00

Today was 11-11-11.

And Middle turned 13.

Needless to say, there was much celebration... And we're still celebrating, so I'm doing this quickly so I can get back to the kids.

They're the best kids in the world, but they sure do like to stay up late...

Oh, never mind... They're asleep.

Seriously, though...

Lying in a heap on my family room floor are actually some of the hardest working, most amazing kids I have ever had the pleasure to know and work with on a daily basis. I learn so much from them and they never cease to inspire me. Middle included.

2011 Battle of Baltimore

So grateful for these kids, and for Middle. My teenager, who's as tall as me now and has a deep manly voice that makes me wonder who's the stranger in the house during the day.

2011 Pumpkin Fest, Enola

I love and admire him more than I can begin to express in words.

Almost Done

2011-11-10T10:09:00.001-05:00

With the main floor of the house, that is.

The IKEA Furniture arrives today, and my wonderful friend has offered to put it together with me. Judging from how the first few pieces went yesterday (the ones that did come home in the car), it's a lot easier with two people, especially when one of them is experienced and patient, and not at all nervous about handing a screwdriver to Little and putting him to work.

That would be her, not me. :-)

Yesterday, we made this:

Today, we could be starting on this:

Or this:

Can't wait to see what this all looks like once it's put together and that big open space is finally full and able to be used. Still need lighing in there, and maybe one more piece of art. And different curtains.

This morning, I paid all the bills, including all the purchases and improvements we've made on the house this fall. Happy to see that it's all paid off with plenty leftover for the staircase and whatever we decide to do upstairs. Refinancing was a good move.

So, to date: The basement has been reclaimed. The storage areas are clear of excess clutter and there are plenty of empty shelves available for use. The trip to the laundry room is no longer an obstacle course. The toys the kids have outgrown are gone, the game closet is neat and organized and the doors are fixed. All excess coats are stored there also. The remaining toys, art supplies, science tools, etc. are neatly organized on shelves. The educational books are neatly organized in two new bookcases. The TV area features the two oversized chairs from the living room with the ottoman, so it is a comfortable space to watch a movie alone or with friends.

Upstairs, the old carpet and Pergo has been replaced with hardwood. The broken kitchen drawer and pantry door have been fixed. We have a new fridge, microwave and toaster oven. Fresh paint and new window hardware in the living and dining rooms. New art on the living room wall, and soon the new furniture as well.

Still to be done: the staircase - which the Man looked at yesterday, and the lighting, curtains and art mentioned above. Maybe a throw rug eventually, but I'm still not ready to cover up the lovely new floor.

And I might change the green in the hallway. This winter we will paint the basement walls, and Savageman is working every night to clean out his own basement office so it can be used.

Little might wind up getting his own room after all, if we have other places to store the books and CDs in the upstairs office. We haven't even touched the upstairs yet. Maybe this spring.

It's all shaping up.

25%

2011-11-09T23:06:00.001-05:00

It's 10:30 and I'm eating a McFlurry.

Peanut Butter Cup.

Very tasty.

Savageman just brought it home - he's been at the McDonalds with Middle and the karate friends for the last two hours, where it seems he was telling them all about my NaNoWriMo project. I called to let him know I was coming up on 15,000 words - a quarter of the way to the 50,000 word goal - and he brought me home this treat.

Savageman's awesome that way.

I actually started today a full day behind. Squeezed in some writing while Middle and Little were doing math, and then got the rest of the way caught up this evening. It meant parking Little in front of the computer for some Netflix viewing tonight, but being caught up again was worth it.

I've been attempting this every November for several years now, but this is the first time I've really felt good about it. Good story, good characters... no idea what's going to happen, so it's almost as fun and suspenseful as reading someone else's book.

As for the writing itself? I really don't know. That's the Inner Editor's department and I fired her for the month. There are some things that I know she likes, and I'm taking care to remember those for when she comes back. I'm using colorful verbs. But I haven't read it over, I haven't changed anything, I just pick up each day with where I left off and move it forward.

In NaNoWriMo, it's all about the word count. No time to worry about anything else. That's the beauty of it.

I'm attributing much of my success so far this month to the Fall Declutter Effort. Clearing my space and my head of the mess and distractions has lightened the load on me considerably. I'm also taking better care of myself, eating well, exercising 2+ hours almost every day, and getting really good sleep. All of this makes me happier and more productive in general.

Good stuff to remind myself if I start feeling dreary later in the winter. :-)

I'm going to finish my McFlurry and watch at least part of a movie with Savageman. It was thanks to his efforts to keep the kids away from me tonight that I got caught up.

I think I'll save him the last few bites.

Today Was Just Plain Awesome

2011-11-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

... and I'm not just saying that because I didn't spend it trapped inside the Baltimore IKEA.

Okay, maybe I am. A little.

What an amazing, glorious day. Everything felt good. I wrote, spent time with the kids, planned and prepared a special celebratory meal for the Teen (who texted me that he had made the Honor Roll), had time outside, time with friends on the phone... it was a full day.

And that was without kicking and punching, which I skipped in order to cook the big meal. I'll be happy to get back to that again tomorrow. If it's as nice as today was, I'll squeeze a run in as well.

Saturday night, a friend asked if I wanted to join her team for this. I'm thinking about it. Whether I decide to do it or not, just knowing that it's a realistic, attainable goal at this point makes me feel pretty darn good in itself. Middle said he'd train with me (although he's too young to participate), and Savageman was supportive as always. It would certainly be an experience. And, I am learning, one of the best things I can do as a parent.

I can lecture the boys until I'm blue in the face about working hard to achieve a goal, embracing a challenge, living life to the fullest, seizing the day, giving something everything you've got and then reaching inside yourself and finding more to give - all that stuff we like to tell kids - but it's the example I set - seeking out new experiences, taking on new challenges - that they will remember.

When Middle is pushing himself through a grueling hour of cardio kickboxing class, I hope he occasionally glances across the room at his 42 year old mom and sees she's pushing through the same workout. Although he's been at it longer and is much better than me, for where I am, I'm putting in the time and sweat and doing my very best. Not to please or impress anyone else, not because I'm being forced to do it, just for the sheer joy of mastering a new skill.

I want nothing less for them. Life should be one non-stop amazing adventure.

The best way to cultivate that attitude is to fearlessly live it myself.

Land of the Swedish Furniture

2011-11-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

It's 11:43, I'm totally fried, and I'm just sitting down now to do all of today's writing.

Why?

Because I spent the day with Savageman roaming through the Baltimore IKEA store.

And when I say "the day," I mean the whole day.

Don't get me wrong, Savageman's a hoot. We have a great time together, especially on the rare occasion we can get away without the kids.

But furniture shopping together? Not our favorite thing.

So really, I should be happy that he went at all. And he was excellent company. We had a nice drive to and from, we had a lovely lunch together in the cafe, and we did all kinds of goofy things together with all the amazing props we had at our disposal in the store.

But making decisions on things - especially things we will have to live with for a long time - it's not easy.

Part of the reason why it's not easy is the same reason we're such a good team. We approach these situations from completely different angles.

I would prefer to walk into the place, look around, pick something, pay for it and leave. In like, 5 minutes. If I got it home and it wasn't quite right, I'd simply adjust.

He needs to think about everything, examine every possibility, look through the catalog, talk to the salesperson, look at all the options again, sit down and think it over... you get the idea.

As a result, there have been many times that he has talked me out of a purchase that I thought would be perfect - and he was right. Other times, we wind up with exactly the thing I picked out in 5 minutes, but after taking 6 weeks for him to decide.

We only had one day, so we managed to balance each other out - my desire to be quick and efficient and not overthink things, and his desire to ponder more thoroughly - and in the end, we were able to be (relatively) patient with each other and we bought more furniture than we could fit in the minivan, even with the seats down.

It's being delivered Thursday.

A whole wall of shelving for our books and CDs, a loveseat and chair, a buffet for the dining room, and a bunch of accessories - our main floor will be just about done, with plenty of storage to (hopefully) keep it clean and uncluttered.

But first, I have to put it all together...

Birthday Night Out

2011-11-06T16:21:00.004-05:00

Our much-anticipated bar tour started with drinks and gifts at the Brewhouse in Camp Hill.

From there, we headed over to the Camp Hill Appalachian Brewing Company where we ate.

Lost a few members and picked up a few more, then headed out to the West Shore Hardware Bar for dancing.

Good dancing photos are so hard to get - but this one wasn't bad... Dancing Fools, we were...

Glad that Savageman drove and stayed until the end. So much more fun with him along.

NaNoWriMo update: 10017 words! 1/5 done. :-)

Still Writing

2011-11-05T01:26:00.001-04:00

So my main character had a really wordy anxiety attack and I managed to get to 6661 words - right on target for the night.

Then today, I pushed through to 8461 - slightly ahead of where I need to be, which is just how I'm liking it.

And none of my characters even had to start reading aloud from the dictionary.

Such a new thing for me, to actually be more and more ahead each day instead of more and more behind. According to my stats, I now only have to write 1598 words per day to finish on time. Which really doesn't take much time now that the Inner Editor is locked up tightly in a box in the back corner of the storage room in the back corner of the basement. Haven't heard a peep out of her and I'm liking that too.

:-)

The rest of my day will likely revolve around driving Middle and his Ninja friends from the mall to wherever else they want to go and then back to their houses so that the adult Ninja and their spouses can go out for an evening of eating, drinking, dancing, and general merriment.

After which I will come home and read The Paris Wife until I fall asleep. Because not only is it NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo month, I have Book Club in a few weeks and I think everyone is reading or has read the book for a change.

Gotta love November.

:-D

I Have a Lot of Writing to Do

2011-11-04T23:28:00.002-04:00

... so I've got to be quick here.

Spent the day cleaning, teaching and being Responsible.

Spent the evening kicking and punching and hanging out at the pizza joint with the karate peeps. One of my bestest karate buddies has put together this amazing bar tour / dancing night to celebrate my birthday tomorrow with a jillion of our karate friends, complete with little printout reminders of which bar we intend to hit at which time.

Never mind the fact that my birthday was last month and I've already forgotten about it - I think we all just really needed a night out and this is the excuse.

But I'll take it. :-)

And serious props to my friend for all the work she put into the planning and inviting and printing and designating drivers - all while she's been working, moving, fixing up two houses (one to sell, one to live in) and coming in for karate every night. She's the busiest working mother of three that I know, and she's made this night out a huge priority.

So big smoochy smooches to my pal who's making me feel way special right now - I'm secretly planning how to return the favor for her in June.

And now I need to write about 2000 words to get back on NaNoWriMo track. And it's 11:25 PM.

Hope something REALLY interesting happens in my story tonight.

Childbirth Blues

2011-11-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

I wrapped up another Bradley childbirth class tonight.

The last class is always bittersweet. I've spent 10-12 weeks with these couples, getting to know them, their backgrounds, their hopes, their fears, answering their questions, coaching them along and teaching them to be coaches for each other. I've watched friendships grow and develop between the couples - friendships that often continue after their babies arrive, since they have that all-consuming mutual experience of New Parenthood in common.

Tonight I said goodbye to them.

Two of the couples have already had their babies, and one was there with their newborn tonight, which was great for the others to see. We talked about what to expect, the joys, the frustrations, the bonding, the feeding, the sleeping, the swaddling...

The theme has shifted from the birth itself, which I reminded them will only be a few hours, to Parenthood, which is the whole rest of their lives.

They will never be the same.

Feeling so honored to have been a part of this transition in the lives of these special people. They're going to be wonderful parents.

Here's Something New...

2011-11-02T23:55:00.000-04:00

I'm actually ahead in my word count for probably the first time ever. And the little stats window on the NaNoWriMo page tells me I now need 1600 words per day to finish on time instead of the traditional 1667. Very gratifying.

It was actually an extremely productive day all around. I'm always uber-productive when I'm procrastinating.

We got a ton of schoolwork done, I actually prepared good food, had a beautiful walk and visit with a friend, spent three hours at the dojang, took a trip to the grocery store with Middle on the way home, and then sat down and wrote 4 pages. Which is pretty much what I need to stay ahead.

Four pages isn't so bad. Although my back aches from sitting at the desk - or maybe it was the emphasis on falls tonight during class.

I have no fear of falling, I just hate hitting the mat.

You were warned, remember?

And while I did procrastinate, fully enjoying all the uber-productivity that happened as a result, I didn't stress over the writing itself. I just did it. Didn't worry about whether it was good or bad, whether I chose the right word here or there, whether I'd ever be able to show it to anyone... I just wrote it and enjoyed the process.

It's okay if it sucks. It's a first draft of a first novel. I have realistic expectations of it, and of myself.

If I can teach my kids to be this loving and accepting of themselves in life, they may not be fantabulous, but they'll probably be happy.

Maybe even both.

Literary Abandon

2011-11-01T21:38:00.005-04:00

Thinking about thinking today.

And how sometimes less is more.

Something in the article I read yesterday reminded me of something I hear all too often from my karate instructors. Don't think.

In martial arts, we call it mushin.

FightingArts.com describes it like this:

"A Zen term referring to that state of mental clarity and enhanced perception (sensory and intuitive) known as pure mind, produced by the absence of conscious thought, ideas, judgments, emotion (fear and anxiety), pre-conception, or self-consciousness. A product of Zen meditative training. For the warrior, meditation (towards mushin) was an important compliment to technical training. Through mushin the mind is not absent, but instead is freed. No longer inhibited, slowed, distracted, or clogged the mind was free to fully perceive, respond and commit to action. The mind is not fixed on anything and is open to everything; a mind expanded through the whole body with total awareness of and focus on everything."

One instructor in particular has been working with me on this when we're sparring. She'll start out nice and slow, and I'll be thinking about strategy, analyzing what she's doing, looking for patterns, remembering new techniques I want to try... and getting my butt kicked.

"You're thinking too much. Cut it out."

She picks up the pace. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed. Kicks and punches are coming too fast for me to do anything but block and counter, block and counter. I want it to stop, but I have no choice but to keep fighting.

And then something happens. Maybe the adrenaline kicks in, maybe one part of my brain shuts off while another part clicks on, maybe I just reach the point at which I give up control and just surrender to instinct. But I start to fight, and I start to fight well.

According to her, that is.

I have no idea of how I'm doing because I'm no longer thinking, not assessing or planning. I'm in The Zone and some part of my awareness is hearing her saying, "Now you're fighting! Much better. Keep it up. Don't think."

Much like the surrender and relaxation techniques I teach my childbirth students, it seems counterintuitive. But the more you feel it working, the more you want to do it, and the easier it comes.

The question is, can I take that same state of mushin and apply it to my writing?

I wonder if there's a program out there which could force me to type faster than I think...

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T23:14:00.000-04:00

The phone / internet came back on today.

Spooky. It was a Halloween Miracle.

Today was indeed Halloween, but in our part of the world, we Trick-or-Treat the Thursday before, just to be weird.

Anyway, I saved the picture for the actual holiday:

Middle, Little, and their Ninja Buddies

It was really hard getting this picture - the rest were blurry streaks of excited children running from house to house. Thankfully, the man with the bowl of candy at this particular house (perhaps taking pity on the flustered parents with cameras) required them all to line up in an orderly fashion, so I seized the moment.

They had quite the wacky fun time. Of course, the best part was sitting around the living room trading the candy with each other afterwards. Which I missed because I was teaching my childbirth class, but I heard it was fun.

Good, sugary fun.

And now that October is drawing to a close, I'm gearing up for NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. Hoping to keep my fingers extra busy this month, especially since I finally fired the Inner Editor and Other Critical Voices with the tail end of this fall's Life Purge. There could be oodles of crappy writing, especially with no one doing quality control, so if you don't enjoy crappy writing, (or reading about my life in general), I advise you to STAY AWAY because the innmates are now running the asylum.

Consider yourselves warned.

WhoooHaaaaHaaaaHaaaaHaaaaHaaa!

>:-)

Halloween Snow Weekend Continued

2011-10-30T21:43:00.001-04:00

So last night our phone went out.

And of course, with the phone went the DSL.

Verizon tells us they will be happy to send a service tech out November 9th.

*!*

So here I am, at my parents' house, checking my email and taking care of all my other online business. We lost phone service for a week during the last big storm, and I didn't have a smart phone then, so this time should be a bit easier.

But still.

NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo start in 2 days. Granted, I don't need internet to work on NaNoWriMo. As a matter of fact, the distraction might be a hinderance. NaBloPoMo is another story, but there are opportunities to sign up for that every month now, so it's not as big a deal. I guess I can blog about how badly NaNoWriMo is going from my phone or my parents' for the first part of November if I really want to do that.

Which begs the question, "Why am I doing this again?" Every year I try, and every year I crash and burn at the Write-A-Novel-In-A-Month challenge.

It's probably something to do with the mentality I learned doing martial arts: as long as I keep showing up and doing my best, whatever my best might look like on that particular day, I'm going to improve more than if I had just stayed at home. You can apply that same philosophy to pretty much everything - maybe it goes for writing too. God knows I spend enough time writing every day, whether the end result is something I publish or something I leave as a draft. Being comfortable with the fact that first drafts, especially ones thrown down in 30 days, are supposed to suck, is part of the challenge, part of the fun.

It's an exercise in muzzling my Inner Editor and other Critical Voices and just running around barefoot in my imagination, allowing myself to totally suck - and still feeling good about who I am and the fact that I keep showing up to give it my best shot.

It's therapy for a brain that spent decades being paralyzed by perfectionism, being far too self-critical and sensitive to the disapproval of others.

Screw it all, I say.

I love my sucky writing, and I love that once a year I can attempt to churn out vast quantities of it for an entire month.

Curling up tonight with my copy of No Plot? No Problem! and a big goofy grin on my face.

:-)

Halloween Snow Weekend

2011-10-29T19:58:00.001-04:00

Okay, this is just weird.

Back porch. Taken earlier today.

A few days ago, it was about 70 and beautiful. Now it's snowing. It's been snowing all day and there's probably 6 inches piled up out there.

"ROBUSTO!" says Savageman.

It was actually nice to have a snow day. I made Italian Fall Soup with Collards from the CSA newsletter, and Little and I made butter & maple syrup snow candy.

Maple snow taffy

Little built us a fire and spent much of the day outside in the snow with his buddies, and Savageman and I got some house projects done. The Teen was at work for a large part of the day, and Middle spent the day at an indoor skate park riding his rip stick.

Little's Fire

So far, we still have power, although I understand several thousand people in our county do not. Heavy snow falling on trees that still have leaves is supposedly a big problem for power lines. Keeping our fingers crossed and our candles handy.

After we get Middle from the skate park, the plan is to hunker down and watch a movie. But if we lose power, at least we have this nice fire and several organized, decluttered shelves of board games we can play together.

Snow in October.

Weird, yes. But not too awful.

Friday Night Mixing Bowl

2011-10-28T23:56:00.000-04:00

Friday night is sparring night at our karate school.

The kids have the first hour, taking turns sparring in a ring with judges, going for points like they would in a tournament. They wear protective gear and there are very specific rules regarding where and how hard they can hit.

The second hour + is for the adults and teens, who pair up and spar continuously, without judges, wearing minimal gear and switching partners every 15-20 minutes or so until we've had at least 4 fights each. Courtesy rules apply as always, but beyond that, anything goes. "Kick and punch him and try not to let him kick and punch you," were my instructions when I began. Depending on who you pair with, you could be in for a gentle talk-and-tap with a friend, or an adrenaline-spiking, sweat-drenching, "holy-crap-I'm-dead-meat" serious fight with an adversary who will hit you hard if you don't protect yourself.

A good night for me has some of each.

Afterward, we shake hands, hug, pat each other on the back...

and go out for pizza.

Our school almost completely takes over the pizza joint every Friday. People of all different ages, fitness levels, socioeconomic statuses, educational backgrounds, belief systems, employment histories, cultural backgrounds, political persuasions, etc. sit down and eat and talk and have a great time. In most cases, the only thing they have in common is the karate school. They are either karate people or are parents, siblings, or spouses of karate people.

It's like a big family dinner every week, with the adults at one big table and the kids piling into several booths, playing silly word games, sitting on each other, looking at each other's electronic devices, and eventually heading outside to skateboard or ripstick, loiter at the Big Lots, or walk to the Cinema Center for a movie.

Tonight, the teens and tweens saw a movie, so it was calmer than usual - until they got back.

Friday night facebook will often feature silly pictures they took at the restaurant or in the movie theater with their phones. They're already starting to trickle into my news feed.

The adult table is quite lively as well. Conversational topics vary widely and wildly. There's a lot of laughter. Everyone is kind and relaxed, open and friendly.

Even the normally reclusive Savageman will come out for Friday night pizza, and he'll do it even on nights when I have another commitment and can't be there myself. Which says a lot. It used to be weird, knowing he was there hanging out with my friends while I was at book club or away camping or whatever, but now they're just as much his friends as they are mine. Which makes me very happy.

When I think about the fact that family dinner at our house happens in shifts, that we stand in the kitchen and munch, sometimes together, sometimes not, I realize how far we've drifted from the evening ritual I had wanted for us. Karate and our other sports have made sit-down family meals all but impossible for years now.

But we always have Sunday dinners at my parents' house, and we have Friday dinners with the karate family. Rituals we can count on, that we look forward to, that make us feel warm and happy and connected.

Celebrating a birthday with one of Little's homemade cakes.

It's not a bad trade-off.

42

2011-10-27T08:49:00.000-04:00

I had a really good birthday.

The day started with coffee and a treat with a homeschooling friend, followed by morning martial arts class. Middle and I had a good workout and also learned something called a 15 Lock Drill where we used pressure points and joint manipulation on the arms, wrists and fingers in 15 different ways, some more creative (and more painful) than others. I'm happy to report that he's been gung-ho to practice this new skill every chance he gets. "Grab my arm, mom." Sigh. The good news is that when you don't push these techniques all the way to the point of real pain, it gives everything a great stretch.

As we crossed the creek on the way home, it hit me that it was a beautiful day and I had really wanted to spend it on the water. My Craigslist kayak deal had fallen through, and I felt a pang of sadness that today would not be the day to put my new kayak in the water as I had originally planned.

I remembered that a good homeschooling / martial arts friend who lives across the creek from me had offered the use of her 3 kayaks whenever we wanted to use them. I called her.

Not only was she willing to loan them, she drove us up the road a ways to a good put-in and we spent the next 90 minutes or so exploring the Conodoguinet as we traveled back to her house.

Awesome time. Beautiful day.

I came home On Top Of the World. Did some tidying up, flushed the toilet in the boys' bathroom (because they're always forgetting) and took a minute to check some stuff on the computer. Took an online punch to the chest* and watched as yucky water poured out of the light fixture above the kitchen sink at the exact same moment. Scrambled to deal with both. Shit happens.

Regrouped and headed back to the dojang for two more hours of class and kickboxing.

Came home feeling pleasantly exhausted, changed and headed out for dinner and beers with part of the dojang crowd who will be out of town the night we had actually planned to celebrate and go dancing. Savageman got the kids settled in and came out too, which was great.

Collapsed into bed after midnight, having truly experienced a full day.

*As for the online punch: It was brought to my attention in a rather painful way that my last post, in which I mentioned a past relationship, was viewed by that person and it upset her. Seeing it through her eyes, I understood why, and I was sorry to have hurt her. It wasn't intended to do that, merely to remind myself of some conclusions I'd reached after a great deal of processing. All I can say is that when a relationship ends, you can dwell on the things you miss, or you can focus on reasons it worked out for the best. I've spent plenty of time doing the former, and now I've moved on to the latter.

I'm sure she could think of similar things about me that she has missed and things she's glad to be done with. For her, the cons outweighed the pros of continuing our friendship.

Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let her go when she asks you to.

Birthday Thoughts

2011-10-22T23:52:00.000-04:00

A good friend cornered me at the dojang last week and reminded me that my birthday is coming up and we need to pick a night to celebrate.

It's true. I'm turning 42 in a few days.

42 isn't a bad number. The shock of "Omigod I'm turning 40 and my life is almost half over and what have I really got to show for it" has worn off. As has the accompanying mid-life crisis.

To some extent, anyway.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last two or three years of rediscovering myself, it's that your true friends stand by you and encourage you, no matter what. They love you, support you, cheer for you and celebrate with you. They take pleasure in seeing you happy and fulfilled and you do the same for them, regardless of where you are in your own journey in that particular area of life, whether it be career, parenting, marriage, fitness, household management... whatever.

I've been fortunate enough this last year or so to be surrounded by people who are as comfortable with their own strengths and weaknesses as I am with mine. We all want to see each other succeed in our endeavors, and if one of us makes a forward leap, it's inspiration and encouragement for the others, not a cause for hurt or envy. Such a contrast from the days when I could expect anger and resentment for taking positive steps in my marriage, continuing to homeschool my kids, working at getting physically fit, enjoying time with my other friends, or even investing money in fixing up my home.

I've also learned that believing you can love and nurture someone out of her anger and defensiveness is naive. The energy spent managing such a relationship while still attempting forward progress of your own makes for a very difficult and conflict-ridden time. Just because you believe in and encourage the dreams and goals of another person doesn't mean she will do the same for you. A heartbreaking lesson to learn, but a valuable one all the same.

And I'm writing this down because it's important for me to remember as I move forward post-purge with a deeper appreciation of the friends I've reconnected with. So grateful for people who cheer each other on, rejoice in each other's successes, and support and encourage each other through life's challenges. My life would be so different without them.

Looking forward to celebrating another birthday with my newly refinished, uncluttered home - and heart.

Another year older = another year wiser.

One Week

2011-10-22T00:22:00.001-04:00

It's been a week since the floor project ended.

For me, anyway. Savageman continued dealing with it, and the designer, etc. over the weekend, but I was doing martial arts stuff - including a national tournament in Baltimore where Middle took 2nd in Weapons Forms and 1st in Fighting. His whole team did great - 6 competitors, 7 firsts in their various events and levels. A great day overall.

Great for me to get away too. After weeks and weeks of having the house torn up, working morning until night on the cleaning and decluttering effort, having people in the house, not being free to come and go as needed, sending the kids to my parents' house to get their schoolwork done, missing martial arts classes - I feel like I'm coming out of a fog and seeing my life again. When I walked into the dojang on Monday, one of my friends commented right away, "You are absolutely glowing. Everything about you looks different. It's like a huge weight has been lifted."

How right she was.

There's more to be done, of course - there always will be. But I've been doing it on my own, a little at a time. Hanging curtains, replacing cabinet hinges, shopping for appliances and furniture, caulking and painting, looking at staircase ideas, cleaning and decluttering. I've managed to keep the main floor clean this week, thanks to all the storage that we've freed up in the basement. Two new storage pieces in the dining room and a wall of shelves in the living room will help even more.

But we're taking our time with all that.

In addition to reclaiming the house, I've also made an effort to reconnect with the other people in my life this week. Lots of time with the karate friends, a long walk with my very good non-karate friend, book club tonight to kick off my birthday weekend.

It's important to me, this social time. Going too long without it makes me wiggy. I'm blessed with some very special friends, who took up a kayak collection for my birthday and put it in a homemade paper kayak.

So now I have no excuse.

After the month I've had, some sanity time paddling around on the creek sounds pretty darn good.

Progress:

2011-10-07T07:53:00.001-04:00

Before

Little removing tack strips and staples from the subfloor

New paint, new underlayment and natural hickory hardwood

Little and Savageman removing old carpet and flooring

Brutal

2011-10-01T13:49:00.001-04:00

No regrets, no looking back.

In the areas where we've worked this week, there is nothing left except those few things I could strongly justify keeping. What I've saved for pure sentimental value is boxed up properly. My storage areas are 3/4 empty.

And we're still not done.

As for the rest of the stuff that was cluttering up my house and constantly draining my energy?

I'm sitting here in my garage staring at it, hoping that people will give me money for it. Half of my driveway is covered.

And right behind me is the trash. Bags and bags and bags of it.

I'm drained.

Part of what makes this process so brutal - and it really has been brutal - isn't so much parting with the stuff. It's stuff I wasn't using, wasn't missing, and in many cases didn't even know I had. It's dealing with the fact that I ever let it get to this point in the first place.

Never. Again.

Ditto for the other things, people, thoughts and behaviors that distract me from the important things in my life, drain my tank, cause more hurt than happiness, lead to more frustration than enjoyment.

I'm purging it all. And this time, I'm being brutal about it.

Remembering how lovely my garden looked once I had yanked all the weeds.

Purging Purging Purging

2011-09-28T07:27:00.000-04:00

I'm purging my life.

Purging my closets, purging my bookshelves, purging my basement, my kitchen, my bathrooms, my bedroom, my kids' toys, my storage areas, my old rugs and furniture.

Stuff I've held on to because I believed I still needed it - gone.

Stuff I've held on to because it was once precious to me - gone.

Stuff I've held on to because I hoped I might enjoy it again someday in the future - gone.

It's something I've needed to do for a long time, but I've been putting it off because I was afraid of making a mistake.

Now I realize that the real mistake was cluttering up my space, my attention, my life - with stuff that I don't need or want anymore.

It feels a little bit scary, all this purging, but it also feels

Positively

Exhilarating.

It's like weeding the garden but much more brutal. And, as with the garden, I know that after this initial investment of effort, future purges will be much, much easier. Once you clear out the weeds, it's easier to see the plants. And once the plants are allowed to grow and thrive, the weeds are easy to recognize for what they are and clear as they pop up.

Good things are coming, starting this week. I am preparing to receive them with an uncluttered home and an open heart.

Quiet Morning, Quiet Fingers

2011-09-14T16:35:00.003-04:00

It's a quiet morning.

Little is on the family room floor, enveloped in the blanket from his bed, playing with his Duplos and listening to the computer lessons on ancient Greece and Rome. That Dog is outside enjoying the sunshine and My Cat is sleeping on her back in a sunbeam, looking kind of silly with her paw covering her eyes. Middle is beginning to stir upstairs, and the Teen is halfway through his morning classes at school.

Plans are in the works for a Girls' Lunch Out with two of my favorite people at one of my favorite restaurants, so I'm happy to be getting the majority of Little's schoolwork out of the way this morning. Middle will work independently and review his work with me at the end of the day. Tonight he and I will do Kickboxing class together and then I will take Jung Sim Do class while he has Demo Team practice. He wants to compete at a NASKA tournament in NY this weekend, so he's been working especially hard.

Life is good. Things are calm and peaceful, both inside and out.

So I'm taking a few minutes to record it here because it's such a nice feeling.

My fingers have been quiet lately, not because I haven't had anything going on, but because much of my attention has been on the kids and their academic and social lives - not much that I would consider Blogworthy without violating their privacy.

As for me, the new routine of getting up at 6:40 a.m. to see the Teen off to school has knocked me off the coffee wagon. C'est la vie. Lovin' my morning coffee again. And my afternoon coffee, for that matter.

I didn't test for my green belt last weekend, choosing instead to take my time and make sure my yellow / stripe and green belt forms and techniques are more solid before moving ahead. At this point, there is a lot to memorize and keep track of, and my 41 year old brain needs frequent review and practice or the material quickly disappears, especially under pressure. Nothing challenges me physically and intellectually like this does, and for that I am grateful, despite the frustration I feel when I forget something or can't do it as well as I would like.

On the topic of physical challenges, I've been running more since the topic of the Philly Half Marathon came up. Monday I ran with a marathon-survivor friend and we did almost 4 miles - a new record for me. I find it a lot easier to run while conversing. Not sure if I will get anywhere close to 13 miles by the end of November, but it feels good to be building my endurance.

And it feels good to be moving my fingers again. I'll try to get back in the habit as time allows.

To Kate on her Birthday

2011-09-07T07:06:00.005-04:00

We met 8 or 9 years ago.

A move-in La Leche League Leader (Leader Applicant?) with a toddler the same age as Middle and a small baby in your arms, a passion for attachment parenting and supporting nursing moms, paired with an unconventional approach to the world and a lack of tolerance for petty bullshit - it didn't take long for us to become close friends and confidantes.

Since then, we've led our LLL Group together, cyberschooled together, endured / enjoyed Lego Robotics teams together, and challenged ourselves at the dojang together. We've seen each other at our best and our worst, we've laughed and cried, talked each other "off the ledge" and logged countless (and I really mean countless) hours of in-depth conversations about life, parenting, marriage, interpersonal crap, strengths, weaknesses, perfectionism, frustrations, martial arts, literature, science, philosophy, education, gardening, homesteading, animal behavior, child behavior, adult behavior - and often the connections between the three.

We enrolled our young kids in Hogwarts Correspondence Academy one summer together and had much more fun with that than I think they ever did - putting together the curriculum, making wands, and imagining that owls were delivering lessons to our houses.

We've planned adventures and field trips, we've hiked and camped, relaxed at the pool and tubed on the creek.

We've also kicked, punched, grappled, swept, thrown, twisted and pinned each other. We've practiced kata, stressed over tests, talked through frustrations and celebrated each other's successes both in and out of the dojang.

You've shared your children with me and have loved and supported my own kids unwaveringly, even at their worst moments. You've helped me step back and see things through their eyes when I was ready to disown them; you've been the calm in my parenting storm more times than I can count.

You've seen me through some of the darkest times I've had, and have loved and listened and nurtured and served as the Voice of Reason more times than anyone should ever have to.

So today, on your birthday, I'm celebrating you and how much your friendship has meant to me these many years. Your impact on my life, my sanity, and my own journey as a mother, a wife, a martial artist, and a person has been immesurable. I love you dearly and wish for you a year of happiness and success, especially as you prepare for the challenges of 1) puberty and 2) your black belt test. (Both of which you will handle masterfully, I might add.) You are one of the strongest, smartest, and most loyal people I know and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Happy Birthday!

XOXOX