The Paper

Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own. – Bruce Lee

It is often said that attaining the rank of 1^st Dan black belt marks the beginning, not the end, of a martial artist’s training – that the years before are about creating the weapon, while the decades beyond are for learning to use it.  In these last two years of training as a 1^st Dan, I am beginning to understand this statement.  My focus has shifted  from building muscle and endurance and acquiring my JSD curriculum material to learning how to learn, how to adapt, how to create and experiment, and, perhaps most importantly, how to teach.  As I prepare to test for my 2^nd Dan black belt and to accept the title of Sabumnim, reflecting on what it means to teach others, and on the mentors I’ve been so privileged to have fills me with humility, extreme gratitude, and a desire to pay their investment in me forward.

It’s unsettling at first to put on a black uniform and belt after so many years of study as a color belt student.  I remember catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and wondering about this unfamiliar black belt at the dojang before I realized who it was.  A black belt faces less scrutiny and feedback from the higher belts, but more responsibility as the lower belt students begin to ask for help and feedback themselves.  My goal as a 1^st Dan was to focus mainly on myself, taking this time to deepen my understanding of the curriculum, to fix the things that needed to be fixed, and to develop the confidence I needed to live up to my new role and the duties associated with it.

During these last two years, I have gradually accepted more responsibilities helping with the children’s program and with the adult color belt students.  The experience of helping and teaching other students has been eye-opening in many ways.  It is one thing to do a form or technique, while quite another to communicate it to someone else, or troubleshoot what might be going wrong.  In some cases, I’ve been able to draw upon the memory of how the same item was taught to me, and I have had much success with that.  (The fact that I made a lot of mistakes and needed a lot of correction myself gives me plenty of material to work with in this regard.)  Other situations have been more challenging, and I have had to experiment, learning through trial and error what might resonate with a particular student.  In either case, I’m learning that the act of breaking down and working through a technique with someone always teaches me something as well.

 Another insight I’ve gained from this process of breaking down and experimenting with different techniques is that not every technique works for every person.  While learning the standard curriculum was important to my development as a color belt student, in the last two years I have been increasingly focused on how I can modify those elements to make them work for me.  I’m discovering my own favorites, and finding the tweaks I’ve needed to be not just correct, but also effective in the application of a technique.  During this time, I have appreciated having had both a solid foundation in my teachers’ methods, and also the space and autonomy to modify and experiment and begin to discover a style and approach that is uniquely my own.

Part of finding my own path has involved moving out of my comfort zone to cross-train in Yoga, Judo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.  Exploring these interests and gaining the knowledge available from them has been extremely valuable to my development as a martial artist.  Exposure to different methods, techniques, and philosophies has broadened my vision and given me a new context in which to see myself and my own strengths and weaknesses, as well as new examples of instructors and mentors to watch.  As I shore up my weaker areas and become more proficient in these other pursuits, I will have a unique perspective and skill set to bring back to my own learning, teaching and mentoring at the Academy. 

An additional important benefit of committing to learning something new is getting in touch with what it feels like to be a beginner at something.  As a higher level student in one discipline, I have found that it is easier to identify with the confusions and frustrations beginners experience when that same feeling is fresh in my own mind as a beginner in a different pursuit.  The establishment of that connection is important to the process of meeting a struggling student where he or she is, and developing rapport. 

While establishing this connection with fellow students is, of course, important, in my mind, the mark of an excellent teacher / mentor is primarily the example he or she sets.   The people who inspire me are the ones who work tirelessly at something to get it right.  They put in the extra hours before and after and outside class, and are generous with their time and knowledge when asked for help.   Their hard work shows in the execution of their forms and techniques, and observing them motivates me to work hard as well.  This is the kind of example I hope to be as a Sabumnim at the  Academy. 

I am a very different person today than I was six years ago, when I began training.  I am stronger, more confident, more resilient, more assertive, less anxious, and less prone to depression and worry.  I am happier.  I have a body I truly love that amazes me every day with what it can do.  Training in the martial arts is more than a hobby or a workout; for me, it has become a way of life.  When I consider the way this pursuit has transformed me, I am acutely aware of the power a skilled and caring mentor can have in changing someone’s life for the better.  As I begin to find my identity as a Sabnumim, my goal is to combine the various experiences that have shaped, and continue to shape, my development as a martial artist into something that will benefit others as well.  Taking this next step in my own journey marks the beginning of my opportunity to pay forward what has been generously given to me, for which I am infinitely grateful.

I'm Supposed to be Writing My Paper

Flashback to two years ago.  My husband is watching the Indy 500, my kids are off doing Memorial Day weekend things like hitting the pool and ArtsFest, and I'm trying to get myself psyched up to write a paper for a black belt test.  And not doing too well.

I was totally chill about this whole thing up until Friday night.  Falling asleep typically takes me about 30 seconds, but Friday night, my mind started going about the test.  As of right now, there will only be 3 of us, and I am the senior student in the group.  One is a 19 year old boy and the other is one of my close friends who is in his 50s but also very strong, especially since adding CrossFit to his regimen this year.  Neither of them has had close to the number of classes or outside training as I have, but I'm not convinced that all that extra work will make any difference at all when I'm faced with breaking a board or throwing someone twice my size.

These were the thoughts that had me lying awake Friday night.  I've had a low level anxiety thing happening ever since.

I have 2 weeks and 6 days now to prepare.... and I'd like another 4 weeks, preferably without any broken digits this time.  The toe has just barely healed enough to not need to be taped, but if I bump it, say on a shoe someone left lying in the middle of the floor.... it hurts.  A lot.

People have been reminiscing about their own black belt tests, and I'm hearing all of the horror stories of puking and injuries.  With only 3 of us testing, there is a good chance I'll be dealing more with the heavy hitters than I did in my 1st dan test when there were 15 of us.  This was the test I wanted last time, the one I felt prepared for.  Now I'm getting the small test I wanted, but I'm not going to be as prepared.  And that's just hitting me now.

Ryron Gracie was asked a few days before Metamoris 6 if he would be willing to fight a bigger, stronger guy and he readily accepted the challenge.  His mindset was that a true martial artist should be confident enough in his technique that he can be ready at a moment's notice, without the need for any special preparation.  I've known people who have approached their Dan promotions the same way, and I wanted to have that same confidence going into this one.  The Ryron mindset was working well for me until Friday, but this weekend, I'm not so sure.  I work hard, but I'm no Ryron Gracie.

So today, I'm restless.  I want to channel the nerves into some productive effort, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, not really knowing where to best direct my efforts, and feeling reluctant to ask for help.  The guru's guru mentioned the possibility of getting together this week, and that would be great, but I don't know how much difference one session is going to make.  I need to drill, drill, drill and not all of it is stuff I can drill by myself.  Hapkido, fighting techniques, judo, sparring and grappling all require partners.  Middle let me do some judo fits on him for a bit today, and I've got BJJ open mat this evening.  Maybe I'll go in and do weapon forms afterward.

Hoping I'll get this anxiety out of my system this weekend and get back to my normal training routine / mindset quickly.

Aaaaannnndddd a Whole Month Later.....

I still haven't been writing.

But Stuff is happening, so I'm trying again.

In most recent news, The Master took me aside in class this morning and officially asked me to test for my 2nd degree black belt. I have 5 weeks to prepare (and for my pinky toe to heal).

In somewhat related news, I dislocated or broke my pinky toe in Judo class two and a half weeks ago when I landed on it wrong while being thrown.  Spectacular thing, adrenaline.... I popped it back into place, slapped some tape on it and finished class, then rolled for the 90 minute open mat afterward.  As expected, when the adrenaline wore off and the inflammation kicked in a few hours later, it hurt.  A lot.

But whatever.  I've been through this before, three years ago, and this one doesn't seem to be as bad.  Buddy taping will now be a Thing, right up until, and possibly including my test.  It is what it is.  In the meantime, I've avoided Judo, as it hurts to land on that side, and I've tried to do more BJJ, where I'm already on the ground.

I feel very safe on the ground.

Much of the ground training continues to be one-on-one with the guru, who has continued to teach me when he's here on weekends.  Between my lessons with him and open mat on Sundays, I am feeling much, much more confident. Grateful as always for his enthusiasm and encouragement.

One such piece of encouragement was to take a seminar Rener Gracie offered in Baltimore this week.  I did it, and it was fantastic!  Not only was it great to meet him and learn from him, it was also a nice bonding experience for me and two of the other women from our gym, who rode down with me.

That's Rener on the left, and his assistant Brian Ortega on the right.  Both of them are larger than life, and Rener is an amazing teacher.  I have his DVD set, I watch his videos on YouTube, and I love learning from him almost as much as I love learning from the guru, who's methods and philosophy are very similar..

I left the seminar feeling inspired to learn everything there is to learn and have redoubled my efforts to watch and read and take notes on as much as I can.  My only frustration is that I need a partner to learn this stuff well, and I am often alone with no one on whom to experiment. When he's home, grabbing Little is always an option, but not for the extended amount of time it takes to really master something. And as much as I would love to play with Savageman, he has declared in no uncertain terms that his body is strictly a no-Jiu-Jitsu zone.  I guess there's always the pets. :)

So between my new passion and my current commitment to testing in June, I will have no lack of challenges in the weeks to come.  Add to that the Elder Teen, who finishes up college - not just for the year, but apparently for good - next week.

But that's a whole other can of worms, and really not my story to tell. I'm extremely grateful for the challenges my martial arts activities provide, and the way they constantly remind me that I'm strong and capable and able to learn even really difficult things when I apply myself.  It's been (and continues to be) exactly what I've needed.

Grateful, grateful, grateful.

Easter

I have not been writing.

Lots of stuff in my head, much adrenaline, and not much sleep this week.

Although my thumb appears to be pretty much healed, which is great.

I've been spending a good bit of time learning BJJ with the guru, home again for Easter.  Good conversations, much learning going on there.  He has a way of getting to the heart of things, and has the experience to know what works, what doesn't, and why.  At the BJJ school, I do learn while free rolling, but class itself feels a bit like trying to learn calculus before I really have a handle on arithmetic. Especially since I've been missing Beginner class, which coincides with the childbirth series I'm currently teaching.  With him, I can work on the arithmetic, which has been a big help.  

Most of what I know of JSD was taught to me by the guru, and it's interesting how different it is learning BJJ with him.  Everything about BJJ is based on efficiency and effectiveness, and that can be demonstrated so clearly by someone who knows what he's doing.  If I ask "why?" about something, it is easy for him to show me.  "Try it this way... and now try it THIS way.  See the difference?"  It's immediately apparent.  He reminded me that by simply spending time rolling I would learn these things myself, through pure immersion and trial and error, which was reassuring. Being shown a new move and waiting for an opportunity to try it out against a resisting opponent is fun, like learning a new math operation.  Right now, I'm mostly happy to get more comfortable drilling arithmetic.  I learned a few new techniques this weekend, but it may be a while before I'm ready to use them regularly.

In other news, Little had his first tournament last weekend outside Baltimore, and it didn't go that well for him.  He was at a serious disadvantage, with a more experienced opponent, but it was a learning experience, and he seems eager to try again.  The day itself was a lot of fun for him, so that was good. 

Middle has been playing rugby, and that has been going well also.  The eldest Teen was home from college this weekend.  Talking about his plans for the summer... we shall see.

Hoping for more sleep this week, as it will be a busy one, between 3 neuropsych evals and martial arts in one form or another every day.  The training buddy and I are supposed to resume our 5 a.m. workout this week as well.  

It's busy, but it's all good.

First Stripe

So this happened.  Emboldened by my extra training last week, I approached Sunday's Freestyle Judo class and BJJ open mat with excitement and confidence.  Awesome classes, both of them.  90 minutes of open mat flew by, and I was more disappointed than exhausted when it was over.  

It was still extremely challenging, but it was an enjoyable challenge.  The people I worked with were fun and supportive, and quick to point out ways I have been improving and things I'm doing right.  I got many lessons and suggestions, and my only frustration is that I don't remember all the cool stuff people were showing me. 

My JSD cardio partner is out of town this week, so I took the opportunity to go to BJJ / Judo yesterday as well, and was rewarded at the end of the class by being called up for a stripe.  One of my fellow students on the sidelines whipped out his phone and took a picture for me. He expressed disappointment that my coach's head was in the way, but I actually like it, as my hair was probably sticking up all over the place, and I might have had a truly dorky expression on my face.  This way, I can imagine that I looked awesome as he was adding that piece of tape to my belt.  

At JSD, we test for belt ranks.  Also in Judo - I was asked after class last night to test this Sunday for my yellow belt.  But for BJJ, stripes and belts are given out spontaneously, based on attendance and performance.  At the end of class, before we bow out, students receiving a promotion are called up, presented with their new stripe or belt, and after thanking the coach and shaking hands, the student runs along the line, high-fiving everyone before finding a place in the new rank.  It's crazy and fun and very different from our more formal tradition at JSD.  

Pictured along the line are some pretty impressive BJJers - and those are just the white belts.  The blues, purples, browns and black belts are farther down the line.  In this particular class, I had the privilege of working with one of my favorite training partners for the learning part of class, and then rolling with all higher belts, which was a great experience.  Again, I wish I remembered all the cool things they showed me.  The guru texted me later and reminded me that it's okay to forget those details at my level.  My job is to survive and escape. Which is plenty to think about for now. 

This morning, I was back at JSD to teach and learn.  I was happy to get some good feedback on my open hand and sword forms, and there was Indian Buffet afterward, which I am still digesting 8 hours later. (So, so good.  And so, so sick afterward from eating too much.)  It's a little awkward with The Master right now, as he's also a good friend.  He knows I'm cross-training, but we don't really talk about it.  Other students have left JSD for BJJ and it might be a sore point with him, even though I have been one of his most dedicated students and have done my best not to let my new pursuits interfere with my current training there.  If anything, I am hoping that expanding my knowledge will make me better instructor and more of an asset to the school.  

I had two really good conversations with two of my closer friends from JSD over the last few days.  One, like me, is hoping to test for his 2nd degree in June, and wants to do a really good job with it.  We talked about how different this time feels from when we were preparing for our 1st degree test two years ago, and identified some of the reasons we were having a harder time getting motivated for this one.  On the positive side, our home lives are much happier now, so we don't feel the need to escape to to dojang for our sanity time.  On the negative side, we aren't feeling particularly inspired there lately and are needing to find ways to motivate ourselves and each other. We made a pact, and will hopefully get into a new routine together starting next week.

My other friend tested with us as well, but I think she's done.  It's a shame, because she has invested probably 8 years of her life there, and I really enjoyed her company and I think she was an asset to the kids' program in particular.  She has a lot of patience and some very good ideas, but it hasn't been enough to keep her coming.  It can be a difficult place if the politics and interpersonal crap gets under your skin, and sometimes I think the main thing I have going for me there is that I no longer worry about what anyone thinks.  

This is marked change that my guy training buddy (from the first conversation) has noticed about me over the last two years. And it's true.  Things that would have bothered me then - people's opinions or criticisms about how I do things or why - make no difference to me now.  It's a place I never thought I'd see, but lo and behold, I'm there.  True friends are true friends and haters are going to hate, and changing anything I'm doing to please anyone else isn't going to change that.  

All I can really do is my best on any given day.  

So it's been a good week, overall.  Hoping to keep this momentum going as I prepare for my Judo test and start focusing more on my 2nd dan material at JSD.  Little has his first BJJ tournament in Baltimore on Saturday, so I have a road trip to look forward to as well.

Grateful for all of it tonight, as I settle in to get the *!#*$! taxes done.

Attitude Adjusted

Did I say I was going to make certain things a priority this week?

Well... I missed Judo, but did most of open mat on Sunday.  Took Monday night cardio and JSD class, and that was a really good workout.  As was Tuesday morning, if I remember correctly.

Yesterday and today, I spent a huge chunk of the afternoon talking and working with the guru, who was wonderful. He provided excellent information and perspective and there were videos and some solid skills I can start using right away.  I've so missed our long training sessions together and this week I got a double-dose.  Very, very happy and grateful for the best coach and teacher I've ever had.

Finishing the week feeling recharged and renewed.

:)

Grouchy

Maybe it's the fact that I didn't take kickboxing class Wednesday night after my ill-fated thumb checkup.

Maybe it's the fact that I didn't take JSD Thursday morning, opting instead for BJJ, which was more technique than adrenaline-charged workout.

Also, I started my new childbirth series Thursday night, so the only class I did then was the one where I taught pregnant couples how to breathe and relax.

Maybe it's because I did my (also technique focused) Judo lesson instead of sparring Friday.

And overslept and missed Saturday morning class.

Or, maybe it's just that I still haven't adjusted to the awful time change yet.

It's only been a few days, but I can feel the tension and pissy feeling already creeping in.

Technique is good.  And my new pursuits are an interesting new challenge.  But I'm reminding myself right now that if I don't do something to get my blood pumping, sweat pouring, adrenaline surging, etc. multiple times per week, I turn into an ogre.

Within 6 - 12 months, I'm sure rolling at BJJ will be a solid workout for me, but for now, it's mainly about getting comfortable with a new way of thinking and moving, and learning the positions and transitions.  I'm sore enough to know I've worked some new muscles, but it's not the same as running, kicking, punching or sparring the way I'm used to doing it.  I feel intellectually satisfied afterwards, but not euphoric like I do after a double class of cardio kickboxing / JSD.  Or a morning class or sparring class.

All things I need to keep in mind as I strive to find a balance between the two schools.

Starting next week, my goal is to pay closer attention to my adrenaline needs and make sure they get met first.  Flawed as it can be sometimes, I know how to push myself at JSD to get what I need out of it.  A good talk this week with the guru's own guru reminded me to keep it all in perspective.  I'm being realistic about what it is and what it can be for me, and I'm not losing sight of what it has done for me so far.

It's something I still need and that isn't likely to change anytime soon.

4 More Weeks

 Groundhog Day, Thumb Edition.  The doc looked at the shadow on the X-ray and declared there would be four more weeks of healing time before I could take the splint off and start Doing Things again.  Until then, no putting pressure on it, no impact... no martial arts.

Of course, I'm still doing lots of martial arts, just modified and with the thumb encased in foam, plastic, and more foam / velcro.  No hard landings on the one side, throwing elbows instead of punches, not grabbing with that hand.

This had better be benefiting my non-dominant hand skills.

Honestly, I'm trying to have a good attitude about it, but patience is not one of my strengths when it comes to these kinds of obstacles.  I was really hoping he'd say the healing is ahead of schedule, not behind.

4 Weeks

It's still puffy and I'm still squeamish about putting any pressure on it - cracking eggs, for example... But the thumb is much better.  I do still keep the splint on it for pretty much everything.  The last thing I want to do is start all over because I accidentally snapped it again.

Follow-up X-Ray tomorrow.

Other than being super-tired from the gawdawful time change, life is returning to normal.  I was back at JSD last night and this morning, and I'm pushing myself harder, doing more, and actually sweating again there.  Once I can do burpees again, I'll know I'm healed.

Teaching kids this morning, I was happy to be able to incorporate my new focus on leverage - so necessary for a smaller person in BJJ - into my Hapkido lesson with them.  So often, we go through the motions of the escape-and-counter techniques without stopping to make sure they are using the leverage that will make them actually work against a resisting partner.  This was my focus today, and it was cool to see the looks on their faces when it clicked and they could escape even a strong grip.

Cross-training is already teaching me to be a better teacher.

I spent the second half of adult class working on my throws, thanks to a few willing partners.  And we got Indian buffet for lunch.  A good morning in general.

Tonight, I watched Little's class, and was happy to see him awarded his 4th stripe on his white belt.  His next promotion will mean a new belt.

 It's a good night as well.

:)

Time Change

Dear God, I hate the "Spring Forward" time change.

Everything is an hour earlier than it's supposed to be.

I have to get up an hour earlier (and it's going to be dark again...), I have to go to bed an hour earlier, I have to eat an hour earlier to have my food digested in time for my workout, which is also an hour earlier than it feels like it should be.

Some people adapt easily to this, but in recent years, I have not been one of them.

Every time I've looked at the clock today, I've thought, "What do you mean, it's time for______!? I thought I had another hour!"  This included my dash out the door to make it to class.

I did very much enjoy Judo class today, and BJJ open mat after.  It was hard motivating myself to go, knowing I would be forced to work with a partner the whole time.  When the introversion kicks in, I still want to work out, but I'd rather do TKD actions or forms or kick and punch the bag alone than have someone right up in my space, throwing or being thrown, or rolling around together, sweating and smooshing each other. Too much closeness.

At least polite conversation isn't a requirement while we roll.

Knowing I wouldn't make it in much this week, I forced myself to go, and was glad I did once I got there.  Having Little with me helped.  He actually took kids' judo and then adult open mat, where he submitted me 5 times with the same darn move.  Hopefully it won't happen again - I sought out experts to learn the preferred escape.

I also had a good conversation today with the guru. We discussed the merits of live training in determining if techniques are flawed or not, and the utility of training in a traditional style that may or may not have much practical significance for sport or self-defense.  My conclusion was that if I had trained as hard to prepare for anything - a marathon, a Tough Mudder, etc. - as I did when I trained in JSD with him for those 2 1/2 years or so, it would have been just as good for me.  I don't have to pretend it taught me things that it didn't.  While there are plenty of things in our curriculum I would never use in a fight, I still learned to set goals and work hard and push myself beyond my perceived limits.  That alone was a transformational experience, and can be for others, whether the curriculum is entirely battle-proven or not.  Remembering that helps. The time wasn't wasted, and it benefited me in so many ways, even if I'm still not the best fighter.  I have other ways to learn to fight if that's what I want.

If I am going to continue there, and pursue my 2nd dan and the title of "teacher" - I'm going to need to be honest about my reasons, and decide what it is I will have to offer the school and the students there.  The first thing to address is going to have to be my own motivation; my own example.  If that's not there, nothing else is really relevant.

Ugh.  It's an hour past my bedtime and I'm not tired....

Two Schools

 

Spent 3 hours last night at the gym learning from this Authentic Brazilian BJJ Guy named Megaton. =>

Yes, there's a lot of testosterone in this sport.

As a beginner, I didn't grasp much of his seminar, and it was probably more relevant to people who compete, but it was still kind of cool to hear the perspective of someone famous.  And there were some belt promotions afterward - a special thing in BJJ, where there are only 3 belts between white and black.  New belts take years to earn, not months, and there's no test for belts, just loads of live training, experimentation, learning what works and what doesn't by testing it with a resisting opponent. It takes about 10 years to get to black.

This morning, I got up and headed to a different kind of belt promotion - our dojang's quarterly color belt test.  In JSD, color belt students can test for a belt or a stripe every 3 months and there are 4 belts between white and black.  A person who doesn't skip any tests has a black belt in roughly 3 years.  (I took 4).  Belt tests can be really hard. Or not so hard.  It really all depends on how much you prepare for them and how much effort you put forth for those two hours.  The fact that the resulting belt is the same can create some confusion. On the other hand, it's up to the individual how much or how little he or she will get out of the experience.  Not everyone is there for the same reasons or is capable of the same level of commitment.  Finding the balance between accessibility and standards is, I'm sure, a struggle when running a school like ours.

This is something that has been on my mind now that the possibility of my own test is 3 months away.  I'm already in good physical shape and I already know my material pretty well.  I could just show up and probably do just fine.  Many people do.  Or I could work my ass off for the next 3 months to prepare for it the way I prepared for my 1st dan test. I'll look somewhat better and I'll feel better if I really nail it, but either way, I'll wear the same belt, and I won't feel like I've let anyone down. 

After the test, I lunched with The Master, his family, some of the other black belts, and some of the testing students, which is a nice tradition.  Had a long talk with my female mentor after, which is always a good thing. She understands these conflicts and can usually get my focus back on the important things.

And then I was back to BJJ, where I did a few hours of women's-only training / open mat.  I brought my Judo / Cardio partner, and she liked it very much as well. There was sushi afterward with my new training buddies, who are an impressive bunch of women. I'll be there again tomorrow for an hour of Judo and 90 minutes of open mat BJJ. 

Cross-training is starting to definitely shake things up for me.  It's moving me waaaaayyyy out of my comfort zone, putting me back in the role of beginner / white belt, and leading me to examine the pros and cons of two very different styles of training, two different definitions of success.

March Snowstorm

This was me yesterday.  After being cooped up all day in the house with all three boys, dealing with a frustrating bit of dojang politics online (I really need to not take this stuff so seriously) I didn't care how much snow was piled on my car, how much snow was blocking my driveway, the fact that my windshield wipers were frozen to my windshield and I had to pry them off with my bare (and still broken) fingers. My first childbirth class of this series was cancelled. 

I was going to BJJ class. 

No drama, no politics, just learning and doing for 2 1/2 hours.  It's physically and mentally challenging, the people are enthusiastic and fun, and other than one of my partners bleeding all over my new gi, it was exactly what I needed.  And the blood washed out.  Today, my body is head-to-toe sore.  I worked hard.

It's interesting to observe myself while free rolling.  

Things I feel good about: I stay very relaxed and keep my breathing under control.  This has not always been the case, but it is my first priority now.  I try not to waste energy and am usually content to relax and think before moving.  I try to move calmly and with purpose.  I focus first on general principles when making a decision.  I try to stay flexible and not get hung up on a particular move or the fact that a particular body part is trapped.  When I see an opportunity for an escape, I go quickly.

On the other hand: I have no idea of what I'm doing.  I don't usually try for submissions. For now, I'm pleased with myself if I don't get submitted.  If I can advance my position, that's fine.  I don't need to win.  I'm just happy if I don't lose. Not losing is a win for now.  I'm looking forward to a time when I feel less clueless, but for now, it's okay.  I'm a new white belt.

People approach martial arts the way they approach life.  My response to a pressure situation on the mat is vastly different than it would have been years ago.  For now, this is more interesting to me than how many techniques I've mastered.  If I can be relaxed under pressure with a bigger person smashing down on me and trying to twist me into a pretzel, and keep my ego in check when I fail to escape and have to tap, I can deal with the pressures of life in a similar manner. The fact that other people with whom I interact get triggered doesn't mean I have to.

Nothing provides a purer physical example of that than when I'm working with an aggressive partner. And nothing gives me a purer way to practice a calm, centered response and an effort to align with my partner and redirect the interaction.

Not saying I'm wildly successful at this by any means, but in BJJ, you win or you learn.

Three Weeks

Ugh, this thumb.

Three weeks, and it's still fat and annoying.

I'm taking the splint off to bathe and type, but not much else.  And the space bar hurts it enough that I'm learning to hit it with my left.

On a positive note, my thumb and I resumed our 5 a.m. workout today with the training buddy after a two week hiatus.  90 minutes of warm-up drills, sparring, judo skills, and sometimes a quick jiu-jitsu roll is the best start to my day; it's awesome enough to make up for the fact that I have to get up crazy early to do it. Wednesdays are typically both long and productive, given the extra hours and extra energy I have.

The boys and I have been fortunate to have the training buddy in our lives these last few years. He taught Middle about lifting, got Little into BJJ, and has been a great example for both of them when it comes to healthy eating and clean living. He's upbeat and enthusiastic, even at 5 a.m., and all that positivity is infectious.  His playful attitude while sparring and rolling makes it actually fun to get my butt kicked in both activities.

The workout was definitely the high point of this particular Wednesday.  My neuropsych patient for today cancelled, so I'm home chilling out, doing laundry and house stuff.  I'll do cardio and JSD tonight if another big snowstorm doesn't close the dojang.  And I'm catching up on the blog. :)

This weekend will be an intensive mixture of BJJ and JSD activities, including a color belt test and two special events plus Sunday BJJ / Judo classes at the gym. Looking forward to all of it.

The upcoming test this weekend begins the 3 month countdown to what will likely be my own 2nd Dan test.  I need to be preparing for that, psychologically and physically, and the stupid thumb break has not been helpful in either case.

The psychological part has been a struggle as well.  Tests often seem to trigger people's egos and insecurities, and I am not immune.

Who knows?  Maybe that's part of the test.

Considering that most people do not promote beyond 2nd Dan, this could very well be my last test.  The promotion will give me the title of Sabumnim, or teacher.   And while I do indeed try to help and mentor and set a good example for the kids and color belts with whom I interact, I realize that I do not yet possess the abilities or insight I think that a true teacher needs to have.  The fact that people can get promoted to this rank and beyond - and can teach - without those skills is not my favorite thing.  I don't want to be part of that.  On the other hand, a lot of learning how to teach happens by doing it, and unfortunately, sometimes doing it poorly.

Another problem is that I don't feel that I am on par with the people I consider to be my mentors. Being the same rank as - or a rank above - people I know are far more advanced than I in their skills and knowledge creates an internal conflict for me.  I don't want to wear a belt and accept a rank I'm not sure I deserve.

Having said all of that, it's not really my call.  The Master chooses who is to test and not test.  It's his school, his decision.  And if I let the Perfect be the enemy of the Good, I only wind up cheating myself out of the all the benefits this pursuit has held for me for almost six years.

Changing my uniform didn't change much else in the last two years.  I train the same way regardless of what I'm wearing, and my focus tends to be on the process, with hope that the progress will happen at its natural pace.  As a black belt, I am helping more with the kids' classes, and I do have more requests for help from the color belt adult students.  I don't teach adult classes, and I don't desire the opportunity to do so at this point.  I am no more qualified to do that than I am to teach a yoga class, despite having practiced yoga in some form or another for 8 years.  I can certainly help someone new to yoga into a pose I have done a thousand times.  But that doesn't mean I'm particularly good at it myself, or that I understand it in any kind of depth. That level of teaching would require much more desire and experience and training than I've had.

The interesting thing is, I don't feel conflicted over my lack of ability to teach yoga.  The fact that I am not walking into yoga class wearing a shirt that says "yoga teacher" on it helps in that regard.  And since it takes roughly ten years of live training and a great deal of skill to earn a black belt in BJJ, I don't see myself feeling conflicted about my rank vs. abilities there. If I ever do earn a black belt in BJJ, (which would, frankly, really surprise me), I would hopefully feel qualified enough to teach it.

Venting done.  I've already decided that I will test when and if I am asked to do so, and I need to start preparing for that and focusing on the benefits, letting go of the conflicts.

This is supposed to be fun, dammit.  Fun.  And it has benefited me in so many ways for so many years.  I need to relax and accept it for what it is, take the good with the bad and just focus on the things that are in my control.  I have plenty to work on.  Let my position in the ranking system fall where it may.

I will have a paper to write if this is indeed my time to test. I need to start thinking of a theme for that.  Glad I'm blogging again.

So Much Better

Got a great night's sleep.

Did a neuropsych evaluation this morning, felt good, happy, productive all day long.

No Judo lesson tonight, so I went back to JSD for more sparring.  Tonight I got all teenage boys, which were good matches for me.  They go hard and fast, but they are closer to my size than the men.  As usual, there were no other women.  A few come out once in a while, but I'm the only one who spars regularly.  Or did.

This was the last scheduled night off for Judo, I think, so I am committed through May.

I also have a new childbirth class starting this Thursday, so I'll be committed there as well through May.  This will be a mixed blessing, as it's lucrative work that I enjoy, but I will miss 12 weeks of Beginner BJJ class, which I also enjoy. I'll still have Sundays, but to get another weekly class in, I'll have to steal time away from JSD for a while, which was not my intention. I'm considering Thursday mornings, or an occasional Monday or Wednesday night.  Another option is taking a Tuesday or Saturday no-gi class, but that seems to be for more advanced students.  I tried it once and felt like I was out of my league, at least for now.

My morning training buddy tries to convince me I need a rest day. I do understand his point, but I also don't think twoish hours per day is that hard on my body, especially compared to what I did two years ago to prepare for my black belt test.  For a long time, I was putting in more than 20 hours per week, and now it's less than 15.  Considering how crappy I feel when I don't get that, I think it's important that I stay consistent.

I also heal faster, have less pain and inflammation, and don't need regular Advil like I did before going Paleo two years ago.

But that's another story.

I'm off to bed for hopefully another awesome sleep.

;)

Now, That's What I'm Talking About

One hour of sparring this morning.

Two hours of BJJ tonight.

Coming home in a mild state of post-workout euphoria and crashing with a glass of wine, happy and satisfied, Good Neurotransmitters coursing through my brain.

This is what I needed.

Ironically, the day could have gone differently.  When I showed up for morning JSD class, The Master commented that he wasn't sure if I'd be in today, seeing as how I'm injured and it's the last Thursday of the month - Sparring Day.  I had completely forgotten.  I was cold, tired and the thumb was indeed sore.  I weighed my options.  Go home, stay and watch, stay and spar.

I stayed and sparred.  What the hell, I was already there.

Other than the fourth Thursday morning of the month, sparring classes are held on Friday nights. Despite years of consistent attendance, in the last two months, I have only been to one evening sparring class due to the new Judo lesson I've been taking instead.  I didn't think I'd do well kicking and punching today, being rusty and all, but it actually felt really good.  I got to work with an especially fun partner twice, we went pretty hard, and for my last match, I wound up grappling with one of the bigger guys, working on some ground skills.  I was toast, but it was still fun and my thumb was fine in its splint.

I was pumped about going to BJJ class tonight. On Thursdays, there are warm-up drills, usually a self-defense lesson, a basic BJJ skill to work on, and a lot of free-rolling with a variety of partners.  The self-defense tonight included a good Judo throw, we worked on guard passing as our BJJ skill, and we rolled.  I worked with good people, forgot about my (well-protected) thumb and just enjoyed wrestling.  A few guys gave me pointers, and two of them told me I move exceptionally well for a white belt. It's encouraging to get that kind of feedback when pretty much everyone there is better than I am right now, and I haven't rolled since before the thumb break.  My longtime training buddy worked with me as well, and asked if I'm ready to resume our 5 a.m. workout routine. I told him I was, so that's set up for next week.

It was a good night on many levels.

And I've learned that all I need to to get my Mojo back is 3 hours of intense fighting and several surges of adrenaline every day.

Maybe that's why martial arts is my thing and not crochet or flower arranging.

Whatever.  I'm just glad to feel like myself again.

Two Weeks

... and the thumb is still puffy. It's feeling better enough that I'm tempted to take chances with it, but I've still got several more weeks of healing to go. So for classes, and most of life, actually, I've been continuing to splint and modify.  No burpees, limited spin kicks, limited throws and falls. No sparring or free rolling. Also, no turning the car ignition or brushing my teeth the normal way.

My motivation hasn't been great to begin with this winter, and due to this latest development, the lure of curling up with the cat and watching Netflix instead of doing any form of exercise has been powerful. I've been forcing myself to go to JSD - half the time because I don't want to bail on my cardio partner or other people who are expecting me to be there - and while I haven't once regretted going, I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I need to be.  I'm not working up much of a sweat, and I'm sure my brain is not producing the usual cocktail of good stuff my brain usually produces when I work out.  Serotonin.  Dopamine.  Norepinephrine. These are the things that make me continue to show up every day, month after month.

Lately, I'm kinda blah about it all. The more blah I feel, the less I push myself... and the more blah I feel. It's a vicious cycle I'm continuously trying to break lately.

Tonight I dragged my butt to do an hour each of BJJ and Judo instead of my usual Wednesday cardio kickboxing and JSD classes.  What I really wanted to do was stay home. The last thing I wanted was to go out and be social. Or try new things, Or feel sucky and incompetent.  And while the people at the BJJ/Judo school have been wonderful and welcoming, I'm still a new person there and a white belt.  It's a huge step out of my comfort zone, at a time when all I want to do is curl into a ball and be... comfortable.

But I did it, and of course it was fine and I was happy I went.  The thumb was safe and comfortable in its little plastic splint, and I forgot about it and did all of both classes without holding back or modifying.  Finding a partner to work with wasn't awkward or difficult - they found me - and I was so focused on learning new stuff, the time flew by.  I actually broke a sweat, and I got to throw people and wrestle with them - all stuff I like, and I didn't have to be fantastic at any of it because I'm a white belt.

Sometimes, it's really nice to be a white belt.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be back in my black uniform, in my familiar dojang, plugging away at the same skills I've been trying to perfect for almost 6 years now.  Feeling like I should be farther along in that process than I am, especially when people expect me to have particular knowledge or skills or wisdom, having been promoted almost two years ago.  I feel like I know a lot of stuff, while at the same time, I feel like I don't really know much of anything.

Sometimes, it's really frustrating to be a black belt.

And it's frustrating to be injured.

I'm hoping that the change in routine tonight will help jolt me back into something resembling motivation. I'm sure I'll have more to say on the topic, but for now, I'm glad I forced myself out of the house.

My Thumb is Broken

Doing a spin kick last Tuesday morning, I lost my footing and landed directly on the tip of my extended right thumb. So lovely, pictured here 5 days later.

So many pretty colors.  An X-ray done the following day confirmed that I did indeed break the top bone, just above the joint.  It will heal in 4-6 weeks without surgery or pins, provided I keep it splinted and don't do anything stupid to it. Sigh.

The timing of this kind of sucks. I'm preparing for the possibility of testing for 2nd Dan in 3 1/2 months, and last month, I started cross training in Judo and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu during the gaps in my Jung Sim Do schedule. Although I was told no martial arts for 6 weeks, I haven't actually cut back much.  Activity in most of my classes can be modified, and I've pretty much been keeping my regular schedule. And keeping the thumb carefully splinted.

My teachers remind me that this is an opportunity to use my left hand more, to think outside the box and get creative with the techniques, to explore my options without my right hand, to focus on teaching and mentoring. Maybe if my attitude about it improves, I'll get to that.  For now, having to modify my workouts and everything else I do, including bathing, dressing, writing, driving, and usual stuff around the house is making me scattered and pissy.

The cold weather is not helping in that regard.  Temperatures have been in the single digits this week, and below zero with the wind chill.  Another winter storm is heading our way this weekend.
Even with multiple layers on, I'm always cold in the winter, and my fingers and toes are downright icy right now.  This, of course, exacerbates the pain in the thumb, and the doc warned that Advil would slow the bone's healing process (I had no idea!), so I have not taken it. Pain also makes me scattered and pissy.

Grouchy, grouchy, grouchy.

On a less grouchy note, I'm home today for a much-deserved day to relax and regroup.  Things are generally going well.  I've been working a lot, and work has been more challenging and interesting lately as I'm seeing more kid and teen neuro patients.  Evening time has been split between JSD, BJJ and Judo.  Tonight, I'm doing Bikram Yoga with Middle and then heading to my weekly Judo lesson, which has been a welcome change from Friday night sparring where I was in a serious rut.  Bikram is "Hot" Yoga. The room is at least 105 degrees, which will feel great on a day like today.  Middle and I will sweat buckets.  Tonight's Judo is a semi-private lesson with a 2nd Dan Judoka who is fixing my throws and making me love Judo almost as much as he does. After that, there will be dinner and wine with a group of dojang women for some laughs and bonding time.  All good stuff.

Keeping things in perspective.  I'm almost 25% through the worst part of my healing process and I'm staying very busy with things I like doing. And I had a relaxing day to catch up and even update my blog. :)

Will try to write more as I continue to prepare for my test.  

45

Aah, my long-neglected blog.      

Seems like my 45th birthday is a fitting time to dust it off.

So far, it has been a year of transitions. The Eldest Teen is halfway through his first semester of college, Little is in his first year of middle school and just started Judo / Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training, and Middle is sophomore, playing rugby for the first time.

Savageman and I celebrated 20 (gasp!) years of marriage last week. We're still not quite sure how that happened, but we're glad whatever it is that we did has lasted 20 whole years.  Marriage isn't easy, but it helps when you genuinely consider your spouse to be your best friend.

We are creatures of habit. He goes to work and the gym; I go to work and Jung Sim Do. Work for me has been neuropsych evaluations, generally three days per week.  JSD continues to be seven days per week, whether I'm there taking class, sparring, kickboxing, teaching, or just practicing on my own.  It continues to be my sanity, my flow activity, my constant challenge.  With Little and my other friends learning Judo / BJJ, I'm picking up a bit of that here and there as well, which has been a fun change of pace.  It usually winds up with me looking something like this:

...but that's okay, I'm learning.

It's been quiet around here with one less child.  We try to spend some time each evening watching a show or doing something with the remaining two before bed.  It's a nice way to wind down and reconnect after homework/gym/karate/judo.  I often knit. This weekend, I'm finishing the blanket I knitted the Eldest so he can take it back to school with him tomorrow.  

Okay, this has been fun.  Dust is off the blog. It's time for me to get off my butt and get to Saturday morning JSD.  

2nd Dan test

The After Picture. So, so proud of this kid.  More later.

Moving Forward

And just like that, a year has passed.

My eldest has graduated from high school and is headed to college in the fall.  Middle is scheduled to test for his second degree black belt this weekend.  Little is preparing for the transition to middle school.

It's a good time to take a deep breath, refocus, take inventory.  In preparation for graduation weekend and out of town guests, I spent the last two weeks obsessively cleaning and decluttering the house, so there are currently no fires to put out here.  The two younger boys are at school and the graduate is sleeping.

Yesterday I treated myself to a new tablet, on which I have the playlist of TED talks and MIT OpenCourseware lectures I have been thoroughly enjoying in the last few months.  I've started ordering the textbooks for the courses as well, finding them to be surprisingly inexpensive when purchased used on Amazon.  Determined to still finish the doctoral dissertation that has hung over my head these last 18 years, I'm soaking up all the math, science, and neuroscience I have time to soak up, when I'm not working, or at karate, or doing Mom Stuff.

Work has been neuropsych evaluations this year rather than substitute teaching.  Going into the office 2-4 days per week (plus teaching childbirth class) has been an adjustment for me, but with college to pay for now, the regular income is good to have. More importantly, I enjoy the work itself, and the people there.

Meanwhile, karate is still 7 days/week for me.  My hours there are spent taking class, conditioning, teaching children's class, or in solitary practice.  The dojang is my sanity, my physical and social outlet, my flow activity.  As a first dan black belt, I feel both competent and incompetent in so many ways.  There are always new challenges and directions for growth. It is my happy place.

It's been a busy year, but in mostly good ways.  I'm stronger, more fit, and likely better educated than I've ever been, now that I've taken charge of my own learning, my own path.

I have no idea where any of it will lead, but I'm enjoying the scenery on the way.

With Middle at picture day last week