I'm Baaaaackkkk!

 This was my first week back at BJJ since the fall, when Covid began to peak again. 

Other than the adjustment from 6-7 hours of sleep per night to 4-5, it's been great!

Okay, I'm a little tired. It's hard going to bed before midnight, and now the alarm goes off at 5:20. I'm working on it. In the meantime, I'm getting a 15 minute Power Nap in at some point during the day, even though I realize this isn't ideal. I used to be able to do this schedule - I actually did this for years - but that was before Covid, before I had my own business, before I was 52 years old.... I'm trying to stay realistic in my expectations for myself. My other Sixam class friends and coach are in bed by 10, but I don't see that happening, especially since there are nights I don't get home from tutoring until after 8. I like having some time to eat, decompress, watch TV on the couch with Savageman, read, study, cuddle pets.... 

Weighing the benefits of the challenging workout, the satisfaction of pursuing my training goals, the companionship of my BJJ friends, and the resulting happy brain chemistry.... vs those extra 2 1/2 hours of sleep - it's tough.  Research says that, over the long-term, regularly sleeping less than 6 hours per night is not ideal, and I was already not great about that. On the other hand, training is good for me and caffeine is a Thing. 

I've decided for now to make the most of the opportunity for as long as I can. There is talk about Covid ramping up again this summer - and there is also talk of 4th doses of the vaccine for people over 50. The future is uncertain. All I know is that, for now, I love being back with my Tribe, nerding over training videos, feeling strong and badass after starting my day with live combat. I'll try to go to bed earlier, and if I can't.... caffeine and naps will suffice. 

New House

 It started with the dishwasher.

One day, the spring that held the door of it popped and now anytime we opened it, it fell - THUNK - to the floor. 

This bothered me. We're generally pretty frugal people - we live within our means, don't splurge on luxuries or frivolities - but at this stage in my life, when I'm working 20+ hours per week at my regular job and now 30-40 additional hours per week running my tutoring business, at the end of the day I want a dishwasher that opens without going THUNK. 

Savageman resisted. After all, the 20-year-old dishwasher still got the dishes clean, it didn't leak, and the wheels only fell off the racks a few times per week. He was right, of course, and it's always difficult for us to make decisions regarding major purchases, but I still bristled every time I had to use it. I tend to choose my battles carefully, but this was one I was choosing. The dishwasher had to go, as did the broken treadmill that had been cluttering up our basement since it died. 

We bought a new treadmill (the same one, but new) and we dragged the old one out to the curb for the scrap metal scavengers to take. We picked out a new dishwasher together and it wasn't difficult at all, which was a wonderful surprise.  

I enlisted the help of the Friend of the Eldest to install said dishwasher. While he was at it, he agreed to fix the part of the hardwood floor in front of the dishwasher that had been badly done 12 years ago. The Friend is also an electrician and has done general contracting work - he had previously installed our kitchen faucet and gutted and replaced the cabinet underneath it - and I asked him about some water stains on the living room ceiling. "No problem, I'll do that too." He also refinished our dining room table, which badly needed attention.

After the dishwasher, the floor, the table, and the ceiling patch were done, I bemoaned the fact that the ceilings would need to be painted to match the nice new section in the living room. There was another small water spot above the fridge that should probably be patched as well. He gladly agreed to all, and to 5 other small drywall issues on various walls where various boys had made various holes for various reasons over the years - all of which I had attempted to patch myself, but had done rather badly. 

Around this time, we received our new front door, front storm door, and sliding back door. (We had actually ordered these back in September, but had all but forgotten about them until the installation date was set five months later.) The front door is lovely and the porch lights on either side of it now look particularly shitty next to it. We asked The Friend to install new ones. 

It was around this time that I attempted to grill some fish and discovered we were out of propane. I replaced the propane tank, hooked it up to our 15-year-old Weber grill.... and it didn't work. I spent hours trying to fix it, researching what could be wrong, but bottom line - it was rusted and falling apart. I was willing to pick up a cheap replacement, but this time Savageman insisted on splurging for the nice one. We got a Napoleon grill with a good warranty and I assembled it on my day off. 

Now we were gaining some momentum! Our red sofa and chaise from 12 years ago was saggy and the family room carpet was matted and sad. Realizing that the new dishwasher and grill and doors had indeed been good decisions, Savageman agreed to choose a new sofa, and we found one that was in stock and could be delivered within a month. I contacted the carpet guy and he said he could get the carpet we liked installed before the sofa arrived. Both were done last week. 

Meanwhile, the new treadmill in the basement inspired some changes down there too. It's a finished, furnished space, but we rarely use it. The windows down there have gaps, so it's slightly breezy in the winter, the walls are flat white and scuffed up, and it's a cluttered and generally unwelcoming space. I bought paint, a new rug, some throw pillows; I rearranged the furniture and did some decluttering. I patched the walls and painted the stairwell and banister. The rest of the walls still need paint, but it's all purchased and ready to go. I got an estimate on replacing the windows this spring. The Carpet Man fixed the transition at the top of the stairs while he was out to install the family room carpet. 

Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day touching up paint on the main floor. The drywall was completed today, so I can finish painting those areas this week and finally clean up all the cans, brushes, rollers and trays that have been piled up in the dining room for the last month or so. The porch lights (and the one over the garage, and a bunch of switches and outlets inside the house) are due to be replaced tomorrow. Savageman chose and purchased the lights himself. 

I'm writing all of this because I'm so incredibly proud of the teamwork it took to get all of this done, on top of work, on top of the play (I was a nun in The Sound of Music at my high school last weekend - a story for another time), on top of the Gala Savageman is planning at his own job - we made these decisions together, didn't argue (much) over any of them, and his cautious, research-oriented approach balanced my I-want-it-done-yesterday and I-just-want-it-to-be-nicer-than-what-we-have-now impatience. These kinds of things are unsettling for him, as is spending money and being surrounded by "new" stuff - and I know it was not easy for him, but he did it, and he did it with a really cooperative attitude. So much gratitude for him, and for The Friend, whom I feel like we've kind of adopted - really went above and beyond to make things nice while also being very reasonable with his costs.

We haven't looked at the upstairs much - last fall, we did clean up our room and put in some new (secondhand) furniture - and maybe the boys' bathroom will get some attention this spring / summer. For now, I'm really, really happy that the living portions of the house are becoming pleasant, usable spaces and that things we've needed for a while now are finally done or almost done. Proud of us and what we can do when we work together. 

Gratitude 2021

 We're all still here, and that's a great start after almost 2 years of Global Pandemic. We have jobs and school and interesting things do do and learn - what more could we want?  Everything else is icing.

Updates on the Fam:

The Eldest is still working for the State, and is now vaccinated and back in the office, which he doesn't enjoy as much as working from home, but he's adjusting. 

Middle is in Sunny California where it has been 85 degrees (compared with 45 here), and although he is working hard and is somewhat stressed balancing research, teaching and classes this quarter, he is still making time for friends, lifting weights, and an occasional day trip to the beach or a communal meal. UCLA has been a good experience so far, and I think the sunshine will be a welcome change from dreary State College this winter. 

Not-so-Little is still enjoying working at the cafe and spends his days there, at PT working on his back and neck, or hanging out with his two besties. Grateful for him, and for them, and savoring these last years of easy parenting. 

Savageman and I have our same day jobs, but I have also started a tutoring business and have a small tribe of 4th/5th graders and 9th/10th graders who rely on me for weekly or semi-weekly help with their areas of difficulty. I'm constantly moving, going from the office to the library to different homes as needed, and my "downtime" is now spent catching up on shopping / cooking / paperwork / and of course reviewing and studying the HS math and science material for which I will be needed. These are activities I enjoy anyway, but it's especially gratifying to be doing it with a specific purpose and an increased level of accountability behind it. Nighttime is relaxing and we stay up way too late, crashing on the couch to binge a show (sometimes while I'm still doing math). Savageman rubs my feet, which makes me very happy. 

In the last few weeks, I have opted for a normal night's sleep rather than waking at 5:20 to go to BJJ. I moved the spin bike upstairs to where I practically trip over it in my family room, so I'm still getting good exercise, but I miss my friends. Maybe this week I'll try to go to bed earlier and start up again. 4 hours of sleep was do-able when I could take a nap after work, but not when I have tutoring appointments throughout the afternoon and evening. It's a good level of busy right now, but add that extra 90 minutes or so and subtract 2 hours of sleep and I'm spread too thin. I'm also trying to lose the 8-10 lbs I gained during Covid shutdown mode, so planning and eating regular meals is a priority. 

It was a good Thanksgiving overall. I still worked and tutored Wednesday and Friday, but I also got to do some meal prep with the Guru and I made my own turkey yesterday. We had a nice Face Fone visit with Middle on Thursday, watched the parade and the dog show as usual, and I made an apple pie. Dad always does a good job with the foods, and I fixed my mom's computer while Savageman and my dad watched Sportsball. I'm on a kick lately about wanting them to write down some tales from their youth, as it seems odd that I know more about my friends' backstories than those of my own parents. My suggestion was not met with much enthusiasm; maybe I'll try something more structured when they leave for Florida after the holidays. 

It's Sunday night now and I'm gearing up for a new week; looking forward to having Middle home in less than a month. Grateful for him, for airline points we earned that covered his flight here and back, for his brothers and dad, for my parents and all of my friends, for my business and all of my students, for learning challenges and opportunities and the fact that we live in a world where someone can access on YouTube or the web any number of top experts in any field and can learn from them, without the obstacles of time or distance or expense. I'm grateful every day for the resources I've been fortunate enough to have access to, and I hope I can put them to use to make at least my corner of the world a bit better for a few people. 

Big Changes

 It's a quiet Sunday morning and I'm up early, reading and writing with My Dog snoring at my feet. 

I spent much of last night reading over a lot of what I've written here over the last 10+ years. The recent unexpected passing of someone from the outer circle of friends, of whom I was still very fond despite our limited interaction, put me in a curious mindset regarding an earlier decade, and it's been interesting to time-machine back to when I was still actively raising the kiddos instead of merely serving as Home Base. Only one was in school, no one was driving, I rarely worked outside of home, and combat sports and their associated benefits were still somewhat of a new thing for me. 

A lot has changed.

I work almost full-time now, and I have started my own business on top of my regular job. I now have 2 black belts in Korean martial arts, a Purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and an Orange belt in Judo. I have coached and instructed countless kids and women in sport jiu jitsu, bullyproofing, and self-defense. And despite this last year of interruptions due to the Pandemic, I have found ways to modify and cross-train, and learn, teach and mentor others in the ways of Combat Badassery.  Meanwhile, after the last decade of being on the receiving end of the Guru's mentoring in Academic Badassery, I am confident in my ability to take on tutoring clients in even the higher levels of math and science. It's been a lot of work. A lot of work. But it's beginning to pay off, and I have him to thank for much of the motivation and confidence and empowerment that has brought me here. 

Savageman deserves a great deal of credit too. For someone who wasn't a fan of me working even part-time when the kids were young, he's gone from grudging acceptance of my combat sports obsession and my gradual entry into the workforce to being my biggest supporter and cheerleader today. The changes in our partnership from then to now, and the movement he has made out of his own comfort zone have made this phase of marriage a true joy. We've come through so much together, and despite the bumps in the road, I couldn't have wished for a better friend, romantic partner, co-parent, quarantine buddy, and all-around favorite person to share my life. Again, so much hard work, both on ourselves and on our marriage. But the payoffs are clear when I look back at what life was like then vs. now. 

The boys are making changes as well. The Eldest is 25, working for the State, living on his own, paying his bills, dating a girl. When I look back at the way I agonized over every little parenting decision back then, I wish I could have time-machined to now and gotten some reassurance that I could relax - mistakes will be made of course, but it's going to be okay and he will find his way and be his authentic self. It's all I've ever wanted for him, and he seems to know that now, and to know that I did my best with the knowledge and skills and support I had at the time. 

Middle is graduating from Penn State and heading to UCLA to begin his PhD in Chemistry this summer.  I can't take credit for much with regard to his success, but I do hope that I set an example of a Growth Mindset and passed along the attitude that even very difficult things are possible if you are willing to put in the time and effort. He is home this weekend to get his first dose of Covid vaccine, and will return to State College today for the final push. Graduation is less than a month away, and we will have him for probably 2 and a half months before he moves across the country.  I will miss him like crazy, but I'm so excited for him that it doesn't matter. His life has had its share of stress and frustration and disappointment and he has managed to channel it all into pushing forward and achieving some serious goals. I can't be anything other than thrilled for him as he heads into this next chapter. 

Not-So-Little is graduating as well, with no desire at all to go to college at this point. He has already found his life's work in the automotive field, learning about cars, working on cars, collecting cars, and taking on leadership roles in the local car enthusiast community. He has distinguished himself in his Vo-Tech program as a top student and leader, has demonstrated a solid work ethic at his cafe / catering job, and has surrounded himself with true friends who have been delightful additions to our family. When we saw that the track he was choosing would likely mean ending his formal education at 18, we were hesitant. Would these major life decisions he was making at 14 come back to bite him later? Should we intervene and insist he stay on a college-prep path, convince him to invest his energy into the things we thought were important and guide him away from his car-obsession? It was a leap of faith, but seeing how happy he is with his life, how he is working hard and is immersed in activities that bring him so much happiness - it is clear to see that we made the right decision to back off and let him find his own way. 

Time-machining back for an evening was an interesting exercise, and it occurred to me that if I had known then what I know now, I could have put my anxious mind at ease, at least a bit. I would like to tell my 41-year-old self, "This is all going to be okay. There is really good stuff ahead - just stay true to yourself, cultivate a supportive group of like-minded friends, work hard on your goals and encourage the boys to do the same." Continuing to put one foot in front of the other and valuing authenticity above all else seemed to have been good choices. The challenges and frustrations and losses and grief that were hard to see past at the time set us up for a profound period of growth, and for that I am grateful. 

I'm looking forward to the light at the end of the Pandemic tunnel. I'm ready to get back to daily training / teaching, and I'm eager to see where everyone's new endeavors (including my own) take us.  I'm leading, as always, with Gratitude. 

51

 So today was my birthday 

It was kind of a lame birthday, on account of the pandemic, which pretty much ruins everything, but really not much can be done about that for now. Cases are going back up and I'm concerned this will affect my ability to continue training - not to mention make things riskier for my family and our work and school situations. About a third of the country seems to think the whole thing is blown out of proportion - my parents included - and we didn't see them this weekend because they attended a maskless political event last week and didn't seem to understand why this was a poor idea or why we need to wait and be sure they are safe before we come over for a meal. And we wonder why the pandemic is still out of control, especially in our country. 

I'll be glad when this election, and the 4-year nightmare that preceded it - is over. 

In the meantime, I'm still training 5 days / week with my Quarantine Buddy, still working at my office, but with cases starting to go up and expected to be worse once the weather changes, I'm appreciating these things while I have them. We may be facing another shutdown this winter. I've grown accustomed to the social isolation - most days, it's just me and Savageman and the Youngest and maybe one of his pals at our house. Time with friends outside our bubble is rare, although last weekend I met up outdoors for a few hours with my Girl Pal, and the Guru visited again a few weeks ago. Ironically, I've spent more time with him than with any of my other friends, and he lives in the next state. He introduced me to Statistical Mechanics this visit, and I got a book on the topic. but I'm too distracted with the election to focus on it yet.  If things close up again, it will give me a challenging distraction, if nothing else. 

Savageman and I have been taking the dog for a 2 mile walk every day when he gets home from work, but I'm not sure how long that will last once the weather gets colder and the clocks get turned back. The dog seems to prefer the cold, but not the dark, as he is still skittish when another dog approaches, and this seems worse when visibility is low. The walk is a good routine, though, and a nice opportunity for us to chat about work, speculate about the election, and vent about our frustrations without the distractions of the TV or internet. 

The boys are all still doing the same stuff they were doing and my parents - hopefully - are still okay. 

Not the most spectacular birthday, but I was glad to have one. Over 225,000 people in our country and almost 9,000 people in our state aren't going to have another because of this pandemic so far and the abysmal way it's been handled. Trying to stay focused on gratitude, even amid the growing frustrations and uncertainty.  

Normalcy

.... at least in a relative sense. 

The magical 2 week interval has passed and, sure enough, I feel like my normal self again. I've trained every weekday this week and last, and if anything, I appreciate it now even more than I did in August. Having to go without it again for the short break we took really drove home the point that this is a necessity for me, and I will do what I can to protect and preserve it for as long as possible. 

I am still restricting myself to my quarantine pal, and I think he is similarly grateful to be back. We have settled into a good routine together, and he's been very diligent about finding my bad habits and the holes in my game and exploiting them, giving me incentive to explore and implement some fixes. There are definite advantages to rolling consistently with one person - you begin to anticipate each other's moves and look for ways to defeat them, leading to some innovation with regard to preventing or countering those defeats, and so on. Another advantage is that, when you switch partners every 5 minutes, you want to bring your A-game to each roll. In our current situation, we are free-rolling for the last 30 minutes of class, just with each other, so we are more able to mix things up, experiment, get out of the comfort zone, try something different. We've been good about communicating with each other and supporting each other's progress, and we've already noticed a lot of growth in ourselves and each other. I'm extremely grateful to have been the one he approached with his "crazy idea."

Other than constantly chasing down enough sleep, I have felt really good about the structure of my days. It sucks to get out of bed at 5:15 am, but by the time I get to the gym, I'm awake and happy to be there. We've been hanging out and talking with the coach after class, which is always good. One insight from Atomic Habits is that you are the average of the 5 people with whom you spend the most time. I am always better when my coach is one of those people, as I admire his no-bullshit perspective on life and work and training and family very much. He is a good person to have in my head. 

When I leave, I stop at Panera for my daily (still free) giant iced coffee, which is waiting on the shelf for me when I arrive. I go home and either shower or soak in the hot tub, then leisurely get ready for work with Savageman. We leave around 9 on most days. I work until 3 or 4 on most days, and I don't eat while I'm there, so it's just the iced coffee until I get home. I'm still hitting the treadmill for a mile or two before I eat.  I am still a runner. When Savageman gets home, he usually has food from the nursing home - they've been taking very good care of the employees and feeding us very well while also supporting the local restaurants. We take the dog for a 1-2 mile walk and work on his social skills. We talk primarily about our work day and the political situation. Our conservative neighborhood is full of Biden/Harris signs, which gives us hope, as the news of the current administration has been drifting into dystopian nightmare territory. 

At night, we've been binging a show - currently The Americans, which is very good. I talk to the boys online while we watch, but not so much with my other friends lately, as they have been busy with their teaching and research. The Guru came home last weekend and we spent Saturday together. He taught me some topology / abstract algebra stuff and I gave him an indoor food smoker for his birthday. I miss our frequent Zoom math marathons from the spring, but it's a lot to ask of him, and I haven't had a ton of time to keep up my end between our lessons. When I do find some time to work on mathy things, it's been linear algebra, which I like very much, although the topological stuff is fascinating as well. Accumulating these tools and then seeing how they are applied in different areas of physics has been challenging and fun, so I will keep at it, especially when the weather is more suited for curling up in my sweats on the couch than being outside. 

For now, the weather is still summery, but comfortable. The air conditioning is off, but the days are still warm and pleasant. This is my favorite time of year, and I'm trying to keep my focus on things that I enjoy - much of which is outside. Tonight is Friday, and I will be grateful to catch up on some sleep this weekend after the 4-5 hours I've been getting during the week. 

It's a good normal for now, given what we're dealing with. Much gratitude for all that is going well. 

But Really, I'm a Jiu Jiterio

Nice try, running.  It's not you, it's me. We can still be friends and hang out together sometimes.

Apparently, two weeks is the magic number. This weekend, I started wondering about my pal, and wondering if he was wondering about me as well.  I rolled with Savageman for a while yesterday morning, and that helped a little, but rolling with a reluctant partner who doesn't know how to attack - or how to counter my attacks - doesn't really give me the adrenaline rush I feel like I've been missing. I thought about reaching out to the pal and seeing where he's at, but tonight he beat me to it. 

We're resuming tomorrow morning. 

It's been interesting, this little quasi-experimental situation that's presented itself.  If I've ever wondered what combat sports actually do for my well-being, and how long it takes for those benefits to be felt (or to fade), it's been made fairly clear by this pandemic. 

I was still anxious during the first week after resuming, but by the end of the second week, I felt like myself again. After stopping, I seem to still be good for the first week. After two weeks, I'm still feeling energetic and upbeat, but now I frequently feel a squeezing sensation in my chest, and I have to force myself to take a deep breath. This is the same thing I was feeling during BJJ Cessation 1.0.  An elephant on my chest. I think it's interesting that my brain isn't experiencing any anxiety yet, but my body is already a step ahead in the process. Running feels good, and there's a release of endorphins after running more than two miles that scares the elephant away for a short time. But it was back with a vengeance while we were walking the dog tonight. Good air in, bad air out. 

I was relieved when my pal reached out tonight, because my mind had been spinning all day, trying to think of a way to get Savageman to work with me more, or a way to get more out of my solitary workouts. Nothing was coming to mind. The pal described his mood as "meh" - so I guess this is something we both need pretty badly. There's just something unique about rolling. Starting your day with simulated murder floods your brain with the best neurochemistry and puts the stresses of the rest of the day in some kind of perspective. 

Packing my bag and getting to bed....