Sinking

Last night was the Christmas Banquet.  Nice video presentation of the demo team here:



Despite the night of festivities, surrounded with good food and good friends, I woke this morning feeling exhausted, drained, shut-down. 

Depressed.

Was it the rainy, cold weather?  The fact that I missed several cardio classes last week and also sparring on Friday?  I worked on Friday - my first day as a substitute - and went out to eat with relatives that night. It was the first weekday in recent memory I had no gym, no dojang, no exercise at all.  Was it the fact that I had overeaten on both Thursday and Friday, leaving me feeling bloated and sluggish?  Family stress and the cumulative effect 11 months of unemployment has had on our marriage?  The transition into my new role as Working Mother?

A combination of all of these?

Whatever it was, watching myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression is not a good feeling.  Like a fog settling down over me, it presses me down, sapping my energy and motivation.  It's been ages since I've felt this way.  Thankfully, it's a rare thing now.  I hate it.

Thankfully also - it never lasts long.  I have very little tolerance for Depressed Me.  I force myself to move, kicking and screaming, anywhere but down.  I know myself well enough to realize that getting some exercise, cleaning the house, throwing myself into a project, forcing myself into a social situation - always makes it better.  Movement, even in the wrong direction, is better than doing nothing at all and letting the depression tighten its grip on me.  It's a choice - to wallow, or to struggle free - and I'm too stubborn to go down without a fight. 

So tonight, I dragged my sullen ass to the computer and am now blogging myself this pep talk.  When I am done, I will go downstairs and kick the crap out of my kicking bag, do 50 burpees, work through my forms. Tomorrow, if I am not called in to work, I will go to the gym for more of the same, plus running, and tomorrow night I will go to cardio and class.  Back to normal.  Back to feeling fit and strong and healthy.

I can't stand myself like this.  Really. 

Pep talk over.  Time to start moving.