Tuesday, March 10, 2015

4 Weeks

It's still puffy and I'm still squeamish about putting any pressure on it - cracking eggs, for example... But the thumb is much better.  I do still keep the splint on it for pretty much everything.  The last thing I want to do is start all over because I accidentally snapped it again.

Follow-up X-Ray tomorrow.

Other than being super-tired from the gawdawful time change, life is returning to normal.  I was back at JSD last night and this morning, and I'm pushing myself harder, doing more, and actually sweating again there.  Once I can do burpees again, I'll know I'm healed.

Teaching kids this morning, I was happy to be able to incorporate my new focus on leverage - so necessary for a smaller person in BJJ - into my Hapkido lesson with them.  So often, we go through the motions of the escape-and-counter techniques without stopping to make sure they are using the leverage that will make them actually work against a resisting partner.  This was my focus today, and it was cool to see the looks on their faces when it clicked and they could escape even a strong grip.

Cross-training is already teaching me to be a better teacher.

I spent the second half of adult class working on my throws, thanks to a few willing partners.  And we got Indian buffet for lunch.  A good morning in general.

Tonight, I watched Little's class, and was happy to see him awarded his 4th stripe on his white belt.  His next promotion will mean a new belt.

 It's a good night as well.

:)

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Time Change

Dear God, I hate the "Spring Forward" time change.

Everything is an hour earlier than it's supposed to be.

I have to get up an hour earlier (and it's going to be dark again...), I have to go to bed an hour earlier, I have to eat an hour earlier to have my food digested in time for my workout, which is also an hour earlier than it feels like it should be.

Some people adapt easily to this, but in recent years, I have not been one of them.

Every time I've looked at the clock today, I've thought, "What do you mean, it's time for______!? I thought I had another hour!"  This included my dash out the door to make it to class.

I did very much enjoy Judo class today, and BJJ open mat after.  It was hard motivating myself to go, knowing I would be forced to work with a partner the whole time.  When the introversion kicks in, I still want to work out, but I'd rather do TKD actions or forms or kick and punch the bag alone than have someone right up in my space, throwing or being thrown, or rolling around together, sweating and smooshing each other. Too much closeness.

At least polite conversation isn't a requirement while we roll.

Knowing I wouldn't make it in much this week, I forced myself to go, and was glad I did once I got there.  Having Little with me helped.  He actually took kids' judo and then adult open mat, where he submitted me 5 times with the same darn move.  Hopefully it won't happen again - I sought out experts to learn the preferred escape.

I also had a good conversation today with the guru. We discussed the merits of live training in determining if techniques are flawed or not, and the utility of training in a traditional style that may or may not have much practical significance for sport or self-defense.  My conclusion was that if I had trained as hard to prepare for anything - a marathon, a Tough Mudder, etc. - as I did when I trained in JSD with him for those 2 1/2 years or so, it would have been just as good for me.  I don't have to pretend it taught me things that it didn't.  While there are plenty of things in our curriculum I would never use in a fight, I still learned to set goals and work hard and push myself beyond my perceived limits.  That alone was a transformational experience, and can be for others, whether the curriculum is entirely battle-proven or not.  Remembering that helps. The time wasn't wasted, and it benefited me in so many ways, even if I'm still not the best fighter.  I have other ways to learn to fight if that's what I want.

If I am going to continue there, and pursue my 2nd dan and the title of "teacher" - I'm going to need to be honest about my reasons, and decide what it is I will have to offer the school and the students there.  The first thing to address is going to have to be my own motivation; my own example.  If that's not there, nothing else is really relevant.

Ugh.  It's an hour past my bedtime and I'm not tired....

Saturday, March 07, 2015

Two Schools


 
Spent 3 hours last night at the gym learning from this Authentic Brazilian BJJ Guy named Megaton. =>
Yes, there's a lot of testosterone in this sport.

As a beginner, I didn't grasp much of his seminar, and it was probably more relevant to people who compete, but it was still kind of cool to hear the perspective of someone famous.  And there were some belt promotions afterward - a special thing in BJJ, where there are only 3 belts between white and black.  New belts take years to earn, not months, and there's no test for belts, just loads of live training, experimentation, learning what works and what doesn't by testing it with a resisting opponent. It takes about 10 years to get to black.

This morning, I got up and headed to a different kind of belt promotion - our dojang's quarterly color belt test.  In JSD, color belt students can test for a belt or a stripe every 3 months and there are 4 belts between white and black.  A person who doesn't skip any tests has a black belt in roughly 3 years.  (I took 4).  Belt tests can be really hard. Or not so hard.  It really all depends on how much you prepare for them and how much effort you put forth for those two hours.  The fact that the resulting belt is the same can create some confusion. On the other hand, it's up to the individual how much or how little he or she will get out of the experience.  Not everyone is there for the same reasons or is capable of the same level of commitment.  Finding the balance between accessibility and standards is, I'm sure, a struggle when running a school like ours.

This is something that has been on my mind now that the possibility of my own test is 3 months away.  I'm already in good physical shape and I already know my material pretty well.  I could just show up and probably do just fine.  Many people do.  Or I could work my ass off for the next 3 months to prepare for it the way I prepared for my 1st dan test. I'll look somewhat better and I'll feel better if I really nail it, but either way, I'll wear the same belt, and I won't feel like I've let anyone down. 

After the test, I lunched with The Master, his family, some of the other black belts, and some of the testing students, which is a nice tradition.  Had a long talk with my female mentor after, which is always a good thing. She understands these conflicts and can usually get my focus back on the important things.

And then I was back to BJJ, where I did a few hours of women's-only training / open mat.  I brought my Judo / Cardio partner, and she liked it very much as well. There was sushi afterward with my new training buddies, who are an impressive bunch of women. I'll be there again tomorrow for an hour of Judo and 90 minutes of open mat BJJ. 

Cross-training is starting to definitely shake things up for me.  It's moving me waaaaayyyy out of my comfort zone, putting me back in the role of beginner / white belt, and leading me to examine the pros and cons of two very different styles of training, two different definitions of success.

Friday, March 06, 2015

March Snowstorm

Doing Bjj? The cold will not stop you.

This was me yesterday.  After being cooped up all day in the house with all three boys, dealing with a frustrating bit of dojang politics online (I really need to not take this stuff so seriously) I didn't care how much snow was piled on my car, how much snow was blocking my driveway, the fact that my windshield wipers were frozen to my windshield and I had to pry them off with my bare (and still broken) fingers. My first childbirth class of this series was cancelled. 

I was going to BJJ class. 

No drama, no politics, just learning and doing for 2 1/2 hours.  It's physically and mentally challenging, the people are enthusiastic and fun, and other than one of my partners bleeding all over my new gi, it was exactly what I needed.  And the blood washed out.  Today, my body is head-to-toe sore.  I worked hard.

It's interesting to observe myself while free rolling.  

Things I feel good about: I stay very relaxed and keep my breathing under control.  This has not always been the case, but it is my first priority now.  I try not to waste energy and am usually content to relax and think before moving.  I try to move calmly and with purpose.  I focus first on general principles when making a decision.  I try to stay flexible and not get hung up on a particular move or the fact that a particular body part is trapped.  When I see an opportunity for an escape, I go quickly.

On the other hand: I have no idea of what I'm doing.  I don't usually try for submissions. For now, I'm pleased with myself if I don't get submitted.  If I can advance my position, that's fine.  I don't need to win.  I'm just happy if I don't lose. Not losing is a win for now.  I'm looking forward to a time when I feel less clueless, but for now, it's okay.  I'm a new white belt.

People approach martial arts the way they approach life.  My response to a pressure situation on the mat is vastly different than it would have been years ago.  For now, this is more interesting to me than how many techniques I've mastered.  If I can be relaxed under pressure with a bigger person smashing down on me and trying to twist me into a pretzel, and keep my ego in check when I fail to escape and have to tap, I can deal with the pressures of life in a similar manner. The fact that other people with whom I interact get triggered doesn't mean I have to.

Nothing provides a purer physical example of that than when I'm working with an aggressive partner. And nothing gives me a purer way to practice a calm, centered response and an effort to align with my partner and redirect the interaction.

Not saying I'm wildly successful at this by any means, but in BJJ, you win or you learn.







Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Three Weeks

Ugh, this thumb.

Three weeks, and it's still fat and annoying.

I'm taking the splint off to bathe and type, but not much else.  And the space bar hurts it enough that I'm learning to hit it with my left.

On a positive note, my thumb and I resumed our 5 a.m. workout today with the training buddy after a two week hiatus.  90 minutes of warm-up drills, sparring, judo skills, and sometimes a quick jiu-jitsu roll is the best start to my day; it's awesome enough to make up for the fact that I have to get up crazy early to do it. Wednesdays are typically both long and productive, given the extra hours and extra energy I have.

The boys and I have been fortunate to have the training buddy in our lives these last few years. He taught Middle about lifting, got Little into BJJ, and has been a great example for both of them when it comes to healthy eating and clean living. He's upbeat and enthusiastic, even at 5 a.m., and all that positivity is infectious.  His playful attitude while sparring and rolling makes it actually fun to get my butt kicked in both activities.

The workout was definitely the high point of this particular Wednesday.  My neuropsych patient for today cancelled, so I'm home chilling out, doing laundry and house stuff.  I'll do cardio and JSD tonight if another big snowstorm doesn't close the dojang.  And I'm catching up on the blog. :)

This weekend will be an intensive mixture of BJJ and JSD activities, including a color belt test and two special events plus Sunday BJJ / Judo classes at the gym. Looking forward to all of it.

The upcoming test this weekend begins the 3 month countdown to what will likely be my own 2nd Dan test.  I need to be preparing for that, psychologically and physically, and the stupid thumb break has not been helpful in either case.

The psychological part has been a struggle as well.  Tests often seem to trigger people's egos and insecurities, and I am not immune.

Who knows?  Maybe that's part of the test.

Considering that most people do not promote beyond 2nd Dan, this could very well be my last test.  The promotion will give me the title of Sabumnim, or teacher.   And while I do indeed try to help and mentor and set a good example for the kids and color belts with whom I interact, I realize that I do not yet possess the abilities or insight I think that a true teacher needs to have.  The fact that people can get promoted to this rank and beyond - and can teach - without those skills is not my favorite thing.  I don't want to be part of that.  On the other hand, a lot of learning how to teach happens by doing it, and unfortunately, sometimes doing it poorly.

Another problem is that I don't feel that I am on par with the people I consider to be my mentors. Being the same rank as - or a rank above - people I know are far more advanced than I in their skills and knowledge creates an internal conflict for me.  I don't want to wear a belt and accept a rank I'm not sure I deserve.

Having said all of that, it's not really my call.  The Master chooses who is to test and not test.  It's his school, his decision.  And if I let the Perfect be the enemy of the Good, I only wind up cheating myself out of the all the benefits this pursuit has held for me for almost six years.

Changing my uniform didn't change much else in the last two years.  I train the same way regardless of what I'm wearing, and my focus tends to be on the process, with hope that the progress will happen at its natural pace.  As a black belt, I am helping more with the kids' classes, and I do have more requests for help from the color belt adult students.  I don't teach adult classes, and I don't desire the opportunity to do so at this point.  I am no more qualified to do that than I am to teach a yoga class, despite having practiced yoga in some form or another for 8 years.  I can certainly help someone new to yoga into a pose I have done a thousand times.  But that doesn't mean I'm particularly good at it myself, or that I understand it in any kind of depth. That level of teaching would require much more desire and experience and training than I've had.

The interesting thing is, I don't feel conflicted over my lack of ability to teach yoga.  The fact that I am not walking into yoga class wearing a shirt that says "yoga teacher" on it helps in that regard.  And since it takes roughly ten years of live training and a great deal of skill to earn a black belt in BJJ, I don't see myself feeling conflicted about my rank vs. abilities there. If I ever do earn a black belt in BJJ, (which would, frankly, really surprise me), I would hopefully feel qualified enough to teach it.

Venting done.  I've already decided that I will test when and if I am asked to do so, and I need to start preparing for that and focusing on the benefits, letting go of the conflicts.

This is supposed to be fun, dammit.  Fun.  And it has benefited me in so many ways for so many years.  I need to relax and accept it for what it is, take the good with the bad and just focus on the things that are in my control.  I have plenty to work on.  Let my position in the ranking system fall where it may.

I will have a paper to write if this is indeed my time to test. I need to start thinking of a theme for that.  Glad I'm blogging again.


Friday, February 27, 2015

So Much Better

Got a great night's sleep.

Did a neuropsych evaluation this morning, felt good, happy, productive all day long.

No Judo lesson tonight, so I went back to JSD for more sparring.  Tonight I got all teenage boys, which were good matches for me.  They go hard and fast, but they are closer to my size than the men.  As usual, there were no other women.  A few come out once in a while, but I'm the only one who spars regularly.  Or did.

This was the last scheduled night off for Judo, I think, so I am committed through May.

I also have a new childbirth class starting this Thursday, so I'll be committed there as well through May.  This will be a mixed blessing, as it's lucrative work that I enjoy, but I will miss 12 weeks of Beginner BJJ class, which I also enjoy. I'll still have Sundays, but to get another weekly class in, I'll have to steal time away from JSD for a while, which was not my intention. I'm considering Thursday mornings, or an occasional Monday or Wednesday night.  Another option is taking a Tuesday or Saturday no-gi class, but that seems to be for more advanced students.  I tried it once and felt like I was out of my league, at least for now.

My morning training buddy tries to convince me I need a rest day. I do understand his point, but I also don't think twoish hours per day is that hard on my body, especially compared to what I did two years ago to prepare for my black belt test.  For a long time, I was putting in more than 20 hours per week, and now it's less than 15.  Considering how crappy I feel when I don't get that, I think it's important that I stay consistent.

I also heal faster, have less pain and inflammation, and don't need regular Advil like I did before going Paleo two years ago.

But that's another story.

I'm off to bed for hopefully another awesome sleep.

;)





Thursday, February 26, 2015

Now, That's What I'm Talking About

One hour of sparring this morning.

Two hours of BJJ tonight.

Coming home in a mild state of post-workout euphoria and crashing with a glass of wine, happy and satisfied, Good Neurotransmitters coursing through my brain.

This is what I needed.

Ironically, the day could have gone differently.  When I showed up for morning JSD class, The Master commented that he wasn't sure if I'd be in today, seeing as how I'm injured and it's the last Thursday of the month - Sparring Day.  I had completely forgotten.  I was cold, tired and the thumb was indeed sore.  I weighed my options.  Go home, stay and watch, stay and spar.

I stayed and sparred.  What the hell, I was already there.

Other than the fourth Thursday morning of the month, sparring classes are held on Friday nights. Despite years of consistent attendance, in the last two months, I have only been to one evening sparring class due to the new Judo lesson I've been taking instead.  I didn't think I'd do well kicking and punching today, being rusty and all, but it actually felt really good.  I got to work with an especially fun partner twice, we went pretty hard, and for my last match, I wound up grappling with one of the bigger guys, working on some ground skills.  I was toast, but it was still fun and my thumb was fine in its splint.

I was pumped about going to BJJ class tonight. On Thursdays, there are warm-up drills, usually a self-defense lesson, a basic BJJ skill to work on, and a lot of free-rolling with a variety of partners.  The self-defense tonight included a good Judo throw, we worked on guard passing as our BJJ skill, and we rolled.  I worked with good people, forgot about my (well-protected) thumb and just enjoyed wrestling.  A few guys gave me pointers, and two of them told me I move exceptionally well for a white belt. It's encouraging to get that kind of feedback when pretty much everyone there is better than I am right now, and I haven't rolled since before the thumb break.  My longtime training buddy worked with me as well, and asked if I'm ready to resume our 5 a.m. workout routine. I told him I was, so that's set up for next week.

It was a good night on many levels.

And I've learned that all I need to to get my Mojo back is 3 hours of intense fighting and several surges of adrenaline every day.

Maybe that's why martial arts is my thing and not crochet or flower arranging.

Whatever.  I'm just glad to feel like myself again.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Two Weeks

... and the thumb is still puffy. It's feeling better enough that I'm tempted to take chances with it, but I've still got several more weeks of healing to go. So for classes, and most of life, actually, I've been continuing to splint and modify.  No burpees, limited spin kicks, limited throws and falls. No sparring or free rolling. Also, no turning the car ignition or brushing my teeth the normal way.

My motivation hasn't been great to begin with this winter, and due to this latest development, the lure of curling up with the cat and watching Netflix instead of doing any form of exercise has been powerful. I've been forcing myself to go to JSD - half the time because I don't want to bail on my cardio partner or other people who are expecting me to be there - and while I haven't once regretted going, I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I need to be.  I'm not working up much of a sweat, and I'm sure my brain is not producing the usual cocktail of good stuff my brain usually produces when I work out.  Serotonin.  Dopamine.  Norepinephrine. These are the things that make me continue to show up every day, month after month.

Lately, I'm kinda blah about it all. The more blah I feel, the less I push myself... and the more blah I feel. It's a vicious cycle I'm continuously trying to break lately.

Tonight I dragged my butt to do an hour each of BJJ and Judo instead of my usual Wednesday cardio kickboxing and JSD classes.  What I really wanted to do was stay home. The last thing I wanted was to go out and be social. Or try new things, Or feel sucky and incompetent.  And while the people at the BJJ/Judo school have been wonderful and welcoming, I'm still a new person there and a white belt.  It's a huge step out of my comfort zone, at a time when all I want to do is curl into a ball and be... comfortable.

But I did it, and of course it was fine and I was happy I went.  The thumb was safe and comfortable in its little plastic splint, and I forgot about it and did all of both classes without holding back or modifying.  Finding a partner to work with wasn't awkward or difficult - they found me - and I was so focused on learning new stuff, the time flew by.  I actually broke a sweat, and I got to throw people and wrestle with them - all stuff I like, and I didn't have to be fantastic at any of it because I'm a white belt.

Sometimes, it's really nice to be a white belt.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be back in my black uniform, in my familiar dojang, plugging away at the same skills I've been trying to perfect for almost 6 years now.  Feeling like I should be farther along in that process than I am, especially when people expect me to have particular knowledge or skills or wisdom, having been promoted almost two years ago.  I feel like I know a lot of stuff, while at the same time, I feel like I don't really know much of anything.

Sometimes, it's really frustrating to be a black belt.

And it's frustrating to be injured.

I'm hoping that the change in routine tonight will help jolt me back into something resembling motivation. I'm sure I'll have more to say on the topic, but for now, I'm glad I forced myself out of the house.

Friday, February 20, 2015

My Thumb is Broken


Doing a spin kick last Tuesday morning, I lost my footing and landed directly on the tip of my extended right thumb. So lovely, pictured here 5 days later.
So many pretty colors.  An X-ray done the following day confirmed that I did indeed break the top bone, just above the joint.  It will heal in 4-6 weeks without surgery or pins, provided I keep it splinted and don't do anything stupid to it. Sigh.

The timing of this kind of sucks. I'm preparing for the possibility of testing for 2nd Dan in 3 1/2 months, and last month, I started cross training in Judo and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu during the gaps in my Jung Sim Do schedule. Although I was told no martial arts for 6 weeks, I haven't actually cut back much.  Activity in most of my classes can be modified, and I've pretty much been keeping my regular schedule. And keeping the thumb carefully splinted.

My teachers remind me that this is an opportunity to use my left hand more, to think outside the box and get creative with the techniques, to explore my options without my right hand, to focus on teaching and mentoring. Maybe if my attitude about it improves, I'll get to that.  For now, having to modify my workouts and everything else I do, including bathing, dressing, writing, driving, and usual stuff around the house is making me scattered and pissy.

The cold weather is not helping in that regard.  Temperatures have been in the single digits this week, and below zero with the wind chill.  Another winter storm is heading our way this weekend.
Even with multiple layers on, I'm always cold in the winter, and my fingers and toes are downright icy right now.  This, of course, exacerbates the pain in the thumb, and the doc warned that Advil would slow the bone's healing process (I had no idea!), so I have not taken it. Pain also makes me scattered and pissy.

Grouchy, grouchy, grouchy.

On a less grouchy note, I'm home today for a much-deserved day to relax and regroup.  Things are generally going well.  I've been working a lot, and work has been more challenging and interesting lately as I'm seeing more kid and teen neuro patients.  Evening time has been split between JSD, BJJ and Judo.  Tonight, I'm doing Bikram Yoga with Middle and then heading to my weekly Judo lesson, which has been a welcome change from Friday night sparring where I was in a serious rut.  Bikram is "Hot" Yoga. The room is at least 105 degrees, which will feel great on a day like today.  Middle and I will sweat buckets.  Tonight's Judo is a semi-private lesson with a 2nd Dan Judoka who is fixing my throws and making me love Judo almost as much as he does. After that, there will be dinner and wine with a group of dojang women for some laughs and bonding time.  All good stuff.

Keeping things in perspective.  I'm almost 25% through the worst part of my healing process and I'm staying very busy with things I like doing. And I had a relaxing day to catch up and even update my blog. :)

Will try to write more as I continue to prepare for my test.  

Saturday, October 25, 2014

45

Aah, my long-neglected blog.      

Seems like my 45th birthday is a fitting time to dust it off.

So far, it has been a year of transitions. The Eldest Teen is halfway through his first semester of college, Little is in his first year of middle school and just started Judo / Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training, and Middle is sophomore, playing rugby for the first time.

Savageman and I celebrated 20 (gasp!) years of marriage last week. We're still not quite sure how that happened, but we're glad whatever it is that we did has lasted 20 whole years.  Marriage isn't easy, but it helps when you genuinely consider your spouse to be your best friend.

We are creatures of habit. He goes to work and the gym; I go to work and Jung Sim Do. Work for me has been neuropsych evaluations, generally three days per week.  JSD continues to be seven days per week, whether I'm there taking class, sparring, kickboxing, teaching, or just practicing on my own.  It continues to be my sanity, my flow activity, my constant challenge.  With Little and my other friends learning Judo / BJJ, I'm picking up a bit of that here and there as well, which has been a fun change of pace.  It usually winds up with me looking something like this:


...but that's okay, I'm learning.

It's been quiet around here with one less child.  We try to spend some time each evening watching a show or doing something with the remaining two before bed.  It's a nice way to wind down and reconnect after homework/gym/karate/judo.  I often knit. This weekend, I'm finishing the blanket I knitted the Eldest so he can take it back to school with him tomorrow.  

Okay, this has been fun.  Dust is off the blog. It's time for me to get off my butt and get to Saturday morning JSD.  

Sunday, June 08, 2014

2nd Dan test

The After Picture. So, so proud of this kid.  More later.


Monday, June 02, 2014

Moving Forward

And just like that, a year has passed.

My eldest has graduated from high school and is headed to college in the fall.  Middle is scheduled to test for his second degree black belt this weekend.  Little is preparing for the transition to middle school.

It's a good time to take a deep breath, refocus, take inventory.  In preparation for graduation weekend and out of town guests, I spent the last two weeks obsessively cleaning and decluttering the house, so there are currently no fires to put out here.  The two younger boys are at school and the graduate is sleeping.

Yesterday I treated myself to a new tablet, on which I have the playlist of TED talks and MIT OpenCourseware lectures I have been thoroughly enjoying in the last few months.  I've started ordering the textbooks for the courses as well, finding them to be surprisingly inexpensive when purchased used on Amazon.  Determined to still finish the doctoral dissertation that has hung over my head these last 18 years, I'm soaking up all the math, science, and neuroscience I have time to soak up, when I'm not working, or at karate, or doing Mom Stuff.

Work has been neuropsych evaluations this year rather than substitute teaching.  Going into the office 2-4 days per week (plus teaching childbirth class) has been an adjustment for me, but with college to pay for now, the regular income is good to have. More importantly, I enjoy the work itself, and the people there.

Meanwhile, karate is still 7 days/week for me.  My hours there are spent taking class, conditioning, teaching children's class, or in solitary practice.  The dojang is my sanity, my physical and social outlet, my flow activity.  As a first dan black belt, I feel both competent and incompetent in so many ways.  There are always new challenges and directions for growth. It is my happy place.

It's been a busy year, but in mostly good ways.  I'm stronger, more fit, and likely better educated than I've ever been, now that I've taken charge of my own learning, my own path.

I have no idea where any of it will lead, but I'm enjoying the scenery on the way.

With Middle at picture day last week


Sunday, June 16, 2013

The Test - A Week Later

Here are some of my favorite pictures from last weekend:

Before picture with Middle

With Teen Ninja Girl, testing for her 2nd Dan

Forms
Forms

More forms



Fighting Middle

And the other teen boys





Hapkido sets

Grappling Middle

More grappling

Still grappling

Home stretch

Soaked, and almost done

Receiving my belt from Middle
Thanking The Master

Making the switch

Happy and relieved

With one of my best training buddies

Traditional group shot




The very excited Teen
Mom
Dad
The After Picture - speaks for itself again :)

Monday, June 10, 2013

How I Earned My Black Belt


That's Middle presenting it to me - a nice tradition at our school.  

It was an exciting morning, and I thought the test went well for all of us.

But when I think about earning my black belt, I don't think about the test itself.  

I think about the last year of my red / red stripe training. Showing up at the dojang early, leaving late, taking classes six days a week.  Seeking out the extra help and open practice sessions, pushing myself as hard as I could in class, in cardio, in sparring.  Being at sparring every Friday, plus fighting drills on Mondays with Kickboxing Guy (before my usual hour of cardio, and then the extra-challenging Monday night class).  Crunches and leg lifts. Fighting and grappling before or after class with the younger guys. Nursing the bruises, the tight hip, the sore muscles, the injured fingers and toes. Winter mornings at the Y, stretching, running, lifting, drilling forms and taekwondo actions in front of the mirrors.  Burpees, burpees, burpees. Weekends with the guru, accepting his often harsh criticism and pummelings, hearing him tell me that "good enough never is" and taking that mantra with me into another week of striving to "be better." Videotaping myself and wincing to see a floating hand, a sloppy chamber, a shallow stance, or my eyes not looking where they should be.  Doing the same action or form over and over in slow motion trying to fix the bad habits, the floppy arms, the wobbly posture. Holding myself in a deep horse-stance until my legs were shaking.  Boxing and getting punched in the face whenever I dropped my guard.  Working longstick forms in the yard.  Forcing myself to do all the jumps.  Drilling the fighting techniques and hapkido, insisting that my partner not give me anything unless I do it right. Throwing and being thrown. Asking the stronger men to practice random grabs with me until I could escape without stopping to think. Reading books, watching YouTube videos and sharing long conversations with peers and mentors about martial arts philosophy and technique. Cleaning, painting, and helping out where I could at the dojang and with the Demo and Competition teams. 

Struggling to find balance with my husband and family while I do all this.  Failing at that and sleeping on the couch. A lot.

This was a hard-won piece of cloth.  

I will wear it with both pride and humility, knowing what I put myself through to get here.  

It was never about the test.  

Saturday, June 08, 2013

One Hour

Getting ready to leave for my black belt test.

I have nourished my body with a breakfast of bacon, avocado, and sweet potato, and I've packed a bunch of bananas and a few containers of coconut milk to take with me.  Hopefully, I gave myself enough time to digest all that....

I'm listening to good music and trying to have a relaxing, enjoyable morning.  I only had about 5 hours of sleep, and last night was a complete disaster, so I'm trying to get today started off on a good note.

So far, I'm not nervous at all.  It's either going to go well, or it isn't.  I need to stretch, stretch, stretch.  I need to stay focused and in control.  And I need power and "raw physicality."  Will tap into the anger and frustration I was feeling last night if needed.

Packing up and getting out the door.  Pictures and reflections later.

Monday, June 03, 2013

The Countdown

It's Monday.  Four days from now, I will be getting ready for bed, knowing that I will be waking up to go to my black belt test.

I had a busy weekend. Friday night (and Thursday morning, come to think of it) was spent sparring, doing my best to keep my guard in close, not reaching to block stuff, to turtle up and move in, looking for openings and resisting the urge to throw the same right-leg side kick that I always throw.  Saturday morning was spent in class, where I felt like the whole group of red stripes, myself included, needed a lot more work.  I took a break, went to watch Little at Little League, then went back to work with the guru.  He had me do the same form a bajillion times in super-super-slow-mo, then regular slow-mo, and just when I began asking myself why I was doing this wacky exercise, I watched myself and saw I was better.  Much better.

"See that?" he asked. "Now do them ALL that way."

Right as usual.

I also did a lot of videotaping. "This could be a real confidence-killer," I said as I brought in the camera.  "Why?" he asked.  "It's honest.  Never be afraid of the truth."  Sure enough, when we looked at the video, there were things to fix.  I didn't like watching the mistakes, but at least I could see where they were and do something about them.  Got some video of myself sparring as well, which will need some closer examination too.  There's lots to fix there.  In any case, it was an excellent final-color-belt-session with the guru and I was grateful to him for the time he put in with me.

Sunday was challenging in a different way, as I spent it running with The Master and 5 of my fellow students at the Tough Mudder in Lehigh.  I registered as a spectator and didn't do any of the obstacles, but I did surprise myself and run almost the whole 10 miles so that I could stay with the team and take the pictures.  Considering that the whole reason I didn't want to register for it was that I was concerned, not about the obstacles, but about all of the running on difficult terrain and the possibility of slipping and blowing a knee or something the week before my test... I did all that running and it was just fine. And the last two weekends, I did two 5K races, which were also fine.  Kind of bummed that I missed out on the fun obstacles, but it was a good compromise and it only cost me the $20 spectator fee, so I was happy.  And the team got a lot of good pictures.  Win win.

I wanted to treat this week as much like a normal week as possible, maybe with some extra hydration and extra (paleo-friendly) carbs starting Wednesday. I spent a chunk of my day with my favorite female mentor, then trained with Kickboxing Guy at 5, took cardio at 6 and class at 7 as usual.  Tomorrow, I will work for about 2 hours in the morning, go out to lunch, then come back for evening classes and practice.  As for the rest of the week, we'll see.  Some people take the last few days off completely, but I don't see myself doing that.  I might even spar on Friday.  In some ways, the test is a Big Deal, but in other ways, it shouldn't be.  If I'm not ready for it, taking Thursday and Friday off isn't going to make a difference.  Might as well do what I want.

In any case, the 10 mile run and the 3 hours of practice tonight has earned me a hot bath and a cozy bed.  Headed there now.

:)

Monday, May 27, 2013

The Paper

Learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist. – Pablo Picasso

                Six years ago, I walked into the martial arts school with my three boys, thinking karate classes might be a fun and character-building activity for them to try.  Little did I know on that day how important the school, the people I would meet, and the martial arts training itself would become in my own life.  I had no idea that I would soon embark on my own journey – one that has transformed me in body, mind, and spirit, and will continue to shape the person, the athlete, and the martial artist I am to be.  In these final days leading up to my test for the rank of 1st Dan black belt, I am reminding myself that this step marks the beginning, not the end, of my real training in the martial arts.  These last four years have been very much about acquiring, memorizing, and more precisely executing my color belt material.  I have only begun to explore the meanings and applications of these forms and techniques, and I look forward to the years of study and practice where this will be my primary aim.  As I make that step, I take with me the lessons and wisdom I have gained from these initial years of my training. 

                JSD is a Korean martial art system which combines Tae Kwon Do (hand and foot way), Hapkido (way of coordinated power), and Yudo (gentle way), into a balanced, versatile study and practice which can be applied in a variety of combat situations.  Weapon training, self-defense, sparring and grappling, meditation and cardiovascular fitness are also elements of our training at our school.  JSD itself means “straight mind way” and its practice is guided by five tenets: Courtesy, Integrity, Perseverance, Self-control, and Indomitable spirit.  The practice and teaching of these tenets is pervasive throughout students’ time in the dojang, from the way we address each other as “ma’am” or “sir” to the way we push and encourage one another to put forth the best effort possible and not give up. 

                While JSD is certainly martial, in that it teaches us how to defend ourselves or fight an attacker, it is also an art.  The history, honor, and tradition inherent to the study of the martial arts have been a gratifying part of my own training.  The process of learning a form, breaking it down, working to execute each technique properly and understand its purpose, then putting it back together into something seamless and powerful and beautiful to watch takes tremendous discipline and perseverance.  I continue to be amazed at how, after several years of working at this skill, I still struggle with my stances, my timing, the balance between relaxation and power.  Even the most basic form will always need more work, more practice.  For me, the benefit derived from all of this effort and repetition has not been so much the perfection of the form itself, but the incidental training and discipline of the mind, body and spirit that develops along the way, as it has for countless generations of warriors, training in every part of the world. 
     
                Modern science has its own perspective on this kind of pursuit.  Martial arts training is a prime example of what neuroscience describes as a “flow” activity.  This is best described as a state of optimal experience, doing something for its own sake and not for extrinsic reward.  Engaging in a flow activity requires full concentration and often results in a lack of or decreased awareness of time and self.  The feeling of being fully immersed in a challenging pursuit, being “in the zone,” focused solely on the current moment, engaging every resource in achieving the current goal, has a positive effect on both brain and body, resulting in feelings of well-being, happiness, clear-mindedness, and overall health.  The neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine released during both flow activities and vigorous exercise have powerful motivational and antidepressant effects.  People who regularly engage in a flow activity know all too well how poorly they begin to feel when their routine is disrupted.  No matter how unmotivated or lethargic I feel going into my daily practice, knowing that I will emerge with a boost in these vital neurotransmitters keeps me going back, despite the aches and pains and frustrations that are part of the same package.

                Dealing with frustration has been one of the disciplines I’ve had ample opportunity to practice over the years of my training thus far.  Frequently falling short of my own expectations can be discouraging, to the point that I don’t always recognize real progress that has been made.  During one such discouraging moment, an influential mentor encouraged me to simply “be better.”  After some consideration, it became clear that striving to “be better” – even just a little bit better than last time – each time I do a form or a technique – will eventually lead to more noticeable improvement.  Progress toward a goal in the martial arts, as in life, often happens in the form of tiny, almost imperceptible steps, and occasionally in giant leaps.  Between the leaps are the plateaus; the periods of time where the work continues without much visible improvement.  Moving off a plateau is extremely gratifying when it happens, and developing the patience to continue working at something, even when the progress is not yet obvious, has been a valuable practice for me. 

                Similarly, I’ve had to teach myself not to let the Perfect be the enemy of the Good.  Knowing that there are things I will never do as precisely as I would like, and being at peace with this knowledge and continuing to try regardless, has been a challenge for me.  However, the balance I have needed to find, and still struggle to find, in this aspect of my training has spilled over into other areas of my life.  I find that I have become more accepting of myself and others while still strongly encouraging continued improvement in areas of struggle.  The focus becomes less about being perfect and more about putting forth the best effort possible each time, no matter how long it takes to see the changes. 

                Reading and learning the history and traditions behind much of what we do has added depth and perspective to the day-to-day rituals of classes, conditioning, and outside practice.  Another of the more unexpected pleasures of my training has been taking part in the cleaning and upkeep of our dojang.  For centuries, this has been a mandatory component of a warrior's training, and I have felt honored to participate in this ancient tradition.  This ritual has not only deepened my connection with my fellow students, it also unites me with countless martial artists throughout the centuries who have swept the floors of their own training halls.  The satisfaction of leaving a clean dojang at the end of the night knowing it is fresh and ready for the next day’s classes is an experience I can say I’ve shared with students all over the world going back hundreds of years.

                Given the amount of time devoted to classes, practice, study, and at times, cleaning or helping with the Academy’s Demo and Competition teams, I have struggled to find a balance between this flow activity that has been so good for me in so many ways, and my responsibilities to my home, family, and career.  I am fortunate in the fact that my husband, parents and sons have been willing to make sacrifices in order for me to devote so much time to doing what I love, and I owe so much of this particular milestone to their love and support. 

                Similarly, I would not be where I am now were it not for the tireless support and encouragement of my mentors, teachers, and peers.  The hours spent patiently breaking down and working through a rough spot with me, celebrating movement off a plateau, encouraging and pushing me past my own perceived limits, and accepting nothing less than my best effort, have helped me see myself and my capabilities in a completely different light.  As a result, I have learned to take myself less seriously – and more seriously – in the ways I have needed to. It is my goal to be as much a support to future students when the time comes, and to follow the example that has been set for me.    

                Training in JSD at the martial arts school has changed me in more ways than I can articulate.  I am not the same person I was four (or even two) years ago, and while change is not always easy and there have been growing pains throughout the process, change is necessary and important throughout life in order to avoid stagnation and apathy.  Engaging in a flow activity with the amount of exercise and challenge and social time that I need has made me healthier and happier in so many ways.  I am grateful for every minute of this training, and for every person it has brought into my life.  I look forward to continuing many years into the future and I look at this milestone as a bridge, taking me from learning and memorizing the basics to delving into the meanings and applications and variations of these techniques for a deeper understanding of all there is to appreciate about JSD and the martial arts in general. 




Saturday, May 25, 2013

I Need to Write a Paper

... and I'm procrastinating.  I started this thing a month ago, then set it aside, and now it's due and I've hardly written anything.

My black belt test is scheduled for two weeks from this morning.  It was my intention to have my application, testing fee - and paper - turned in by today, but alas, still no paper.

The Master said it was okay to turn it in whenever it's ready, but I am determined that this will be Monday at the latest.  I just need to buckle down and do it.

Part of the obstacle is that I want to prepare something that will do justice to the last 4 years of my life, and the way that my martial arts study and practice has transformed me in mind, body and spirit.

Words fail.

Completely.

I have no idea of where to even begin.  I've thought of going back over the years of blog posts on the subject, where I have only scratched the surface of the joys and struggles and discoveries associated with this endeavor.  If nothing else, that would give me a few more hours to avoid actually writing.

Not surprisingly, I've avoided even blogging about it since the test has begun to feel like a reality.

Despite all the soul-searching that was involved.  A week ago, after weeks of back-and-forth, weeks of limit-testing with both myself and with those close to me, I had firmly decided that I was not ready to wear black and was going to delay this step until I felt truly worthy of the rank.

A few pep-talks from trusted friends and teachers (and a threat of divorce from Savageman) succeeded in  convincing me I was indeed ready.  The decision finally made, the necessary reassurances given, I felt a load had been lifted. I approached my training with renewed determination this week.

And a renewed urgency to write the paper, which I have successfully avoided for yet another night.

:-P







Monday, April 01, 2013

New Routine

So Savageman is working. Our lives have changed in a big way.

We get up, get the older boys up; I make them breakfast, he drives them to school, he heads to work.  I get Little up and see him onto the bus, unless I'm substitute teaching, in which case I leave as well and that job falls to my Mom.  If I have a neuropsych evaluation to conduct, I leave shortly after he does.

I try to keep Tuesday and Thursday mornings open for karate classes and lunch with the Master, although I won't turn down an especially good work opportunity.

It's been nice.  I've had some pleasant time with friends, done quite a bit of math and science, and we're in the process of cleaning out the extra bedroom so that Middle and Little can each have their own.

That particular project has dominated a good bit of my free time in the last two weeks.  I've spent days going through boxes and bookshelves of materials from my homeschooling years - a bittersweet task.  I'll be glad to get back to my own learning, hopefully this week.

I haven't made it in to the gym once, even though it was a regular thing I did with Savageman when he was home.  Too busy.

Keeping so busy makes the daytime go quickly.  Before I know it, it's 3:00 and Middle is home, and we're jumping in the car, picking up the girls for their dojang dropoff, then I'm back home to get Little's homework going and run him and the Teen to and from their own activities. (The Teen got his permit Wednesday, so now he'll be behind the wheel for his trip home from lacrosse.)

Once Savageman gets home, it's time to head over to the dojang for my own classes.  I kick and punch and struggle and learn for the next several hours, emerging feeling blissfully spent. By the time we get home, it's usually 9:00.  We eat and Middle does his homework; I do laundry and cleanup and other house  / parenting stuff then settle in with Savageman to battle each other at Words With Friends and watch Breaking Bad together.

We go to bed Way Too Late and get up and do it all over again the next day.

It's funny - I've adjusted rather well to the new schedule.  It was harder to adjust to the time change, which threw my sleeping, eating and exercising routine into a tizzy.  Everything just seemed an hour too early.  But other than a slight reduction in my dojang time (which I think I recouped on the weekends in the last month), it's been fine.  It's nice to see Savageman feeling happy and productive and making money again, and it's nice to have a chance to miss each other a little during the day.

Grateful for paid employment for both of us, and a positive change in general for our family.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Official

Yesterday, The Master clearly stated his intention to test me for my black belt in June.

I'm good with it, at least today.  I had spent some time going back and forth, considering the pros and cons of waiting another six months if given the option.  One of my most influential mentors won't be at the June test - it's her son's high school graduation day - and for that reason alone, I would have liked to have waited.  But she promised to celebrate with me later, and she firmly believes that I'm ready. I'm still seeing all the things I need to practice and improve, but she and others have emphasized that this is always going to be the case.  Which is a good point.

Over the last month, I have continued to work to move beyond the techniques themselves and put my focus more on application.  The last two weekends were spent working on fighting - boxing even - with the guru.  I'm slow at it; I drop my guard; I get punched in the nose.  He's got me watching videos, fighting myself in the mirror, thinking about timing, awareness, speed, power. Protecting my head and face.  ("I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle...") It's frustrating, but at the same time, gratifying to be working on a new skill.  Sunday, Middle came as well, and it was nice to see him learning something new that we can practice together.

Material-wise, I finally got the jumps in the longstick form - the last challenge in my forms I had been struggling with and didn't think I'd ever accomplish.  As it stands, most of the adult students my age at the school skip this move - which consists of jumping forward and backward over the stick like a jump rope - a hard, heavy jump rope, which hurts your feet when you don't clear it, or even worse, knocks you on your butt.  It was a major psychological hurdle to get over it in one direction, so to jump it backward as well seemed almost insurmountable.  Thanks to a very patient teacher who persisted with me until I did it, I have been jumping it pretty consistently for about 3 weeks now.  Which feels great.

The rest of the longstick form is another story - it's kind of choppy and still needs work.  The guru encouraged me to imagine myself doing it, and my other forms under a waterfall - visualizing both strength and serenity.


He's good like that.  Trying to keep this image in my mind when I practice.

Not a bad image for life in general, as a matter of fact...

:-)