We are about 5 months into the Global Coronavirus Pandemic, and let me tell you, it sucks.
Middle came home from college for Spring Break at the beginning of March, not realizing at the time that he wouldn't be going back to his classes, and that the rest of the semester would be online.
Little's own Junior year ended shortly after. After a few weeks of staying home and wait-and-see, on April 9th, PA schools were closed for in-person instruction for the remainder of the year.
Meanwhile, the Eldest is doing his State job from home, and that seems to suit him just fine. He also already caught the virus and had a mild case, just a few days of low fever and a week of congestion and loss of smell and taste. He should at least have a few months of immunity to it now.
Savageman works in a nursing home. These facilities have been the hardest hit by the virus. Instead of sending home all non-essential personnel, the CEO deemed everyone to be essential and put them to work, doing whatever needed to be done to protect the staff and residents. He has spent countless hours, including weekends, screening people entering the facility, scanning temperatures, and more recently, facilitating virtual visits between residents and their families. In-person visitors have not been allowed.
I work in a neuropsychology practice and we closed at the end of March. We didn't have to close, but we chose to because it seemed like the responsible thing to do under the circumstances.
I had stopped teaching and training in BJJ a few weeks before. Much of the spread of this virus is among asymptomatic and pre-symptomatic people, and I couldn't risk inadvertently bringing this thing home and sharing it with my elderly patients or Savageman's residents. At the same time, BJJ is an effective antidepressant, and that regular outlet is an important key to my mental, physical, and emotional health. You don't suddenly stop taking an SSRI medication you've been using for years and years, but this is essentially what I did when I stopped training and teaching.
Between the abrupt stoppage of my job and my sport, I was feeling a bit.... lost.
I had daytime pajamas and nighttime pajamas and occasionally I changed from one to the other. I pulled out my sewing machine and made hundreds of masks for the nursing home and for my friends and family members, as you couldn't buy them anywhere at that point. Now they are mandatory for everyone in public spaces, but at the start, the limited supply needed to go to healthcare workers, and there weren't enough even for them.
The boys went to Middle's apartment at the college for a week or so to hang out, and Savageman continued to go to work every day. I felt utterly alone.
With no job and no BJJ, it didn't take long for depression to set in. I bought a treadmill from one of my teammates, and I forced myself to run. I tried to read or watch a show or movie, but I had no attention span. I spent a lot of time sewing masks and watching news on YouTube, which only made me more depressed and anxious. I frequently fought with my mother on the phone - they were still in Florida, enjoying the beach and the pool and watching the President and conservative pundits say this was no worse than the flu and the mainstream media were blowing it out of proportion. Savageman was busy with his own essential job, the boys were doing their online schoolwork and staying up late, making food, watching shows and playing video games together, and I felt like a ghost.
"I feel like I'm going to disappear," I told the Guru one night. He was in the same boat, also under shelter-in-place orders with no in-person teaching or research, and no BJJ. "I will Zoom with you if you want to work on stuff," he told me. We began meeting on Zoom for several hours at a time, several days per week. We nerded over math and physics and he gave me assignments to keep me busy between our virtual visits. He deserves much credit for saving my sanity during the months of shutdown in particular.
During the six weeks we were closed, the office was refitted to support our New Normal. Plexiglass shields, an air filtration system, disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer all appeared, in addition to baskets where we collect paperwork for scoring the next day. We were told to acquire scrubs and masks. Now I would be spending my work hours in pajamas as well.
I've been back at work since the beginning of May, and that has been okay, other than the occasional "Maskhole" who comes in either without a mask, or wearing one incorrectly. The Mask Wars have been raging across the country between people who would like to see science and effective leadership end the pandemic quickly, as is happening in other countries, and the Free-dumb loving 'Mericans who don't like being told what to do, even if it means prolonging the pandemic and its detrimental effects on businesses and schools. Most of the people I see in the office have been good about the mask rule, and I am definitely better on days when I have a reason to get up and get out of the house in the morning.
I wish the same for my kids. In our area, middle and high schools are likely going to open on an AB schedule, meaning kids will go in two days per week and be learning from home for the other three. Many colleges will be 100% virtual, but Middle is, at this point, scheduled to go back in-person next month. He had a summer research grant this summer, but has been unable to get time in the lab, a very frustrating situation. Both of them will be Seniors this year, and are grieving the loss of the experience they had hoped the year would be.
It's all been very frustrating, and I've continued to battle with depression, which seems to hit me hard whenever I'm not at work. I've had offers to get together with people outside, but I've failed to follow through. I've seen the Guru in person on two occasions when he's been home, but lately I've even been avoiding contact with him, as I've let my "homework" go and I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to cook, or make masks, or go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to read or binge a good show. My Girl Pal has been over a few times, and we've chatted daily online, and I'm grateful for the safe place her friendship provides me. But mostly I've been isolated.
Savageman has been very sweet, and we've spent many hours sitting on our lawn, picking clover. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just sit and pick clover. We commiserate about the political situation. At night we have been watching Monk or 30 Rock, but throughout this entire ordeal, I haven't had the attention span to follow anything. I'm trying not to let my nightly glass of wine turn into 4 glasses, and I'm trying not to gain more than the 5 lbs I've already put on since I've stopped BJJ.
Last week, I hit what I'm hoping was Rock Bottom. My family decided to go to the beach, even though people in PA have been told to quarantine for 14 days after coming back from there. I chose to stay here and work, and the guilt and conflicted feelings over this led to a tearful meeting with my coworkers, who were very kind and supportive, but who seemed concerned about my well-being. Something needed to change. Savageman thinks I don't want to go to the beach because of the depression, and he could be right. He also told me he'd rather me risk infection at BJJ than continue to be so miserable.
The very next day, one of my BJJ friends, also over 50 and also fairly strictly quarantined, messaged me out of the blue. "I have a crazy idea." I responded, "I'm crazy enough to listen." He suggested that we pair up, take 6 a.m. class together and only work with each other, and only in the back corner of the room with the windows open. I said yes. That night, I dug out my gi, packed my gym bag, and set my alarm for 5:20 a.m.
It's been weird being back. We're both a good bit older than most of the other students, and we have valid reasons to need to stay virus-free. We waved hello to our other friends from our corner, and we chatted with the coach after class was over, but otherwise kept to ourselves. The lesson was good, and rolling felt natural, although I've definitely lost some muscle. This week, I'm sore, and I'm still depressed. I'm not interested in people or challenging academic work, although I might force myself to try. I'm still angry at the political situation and handling of the virus. I suspect my outlook will start to get better once I'm back into a consistent training routine, though. My Pal is bigger than me, and also very skilled, so he is a good challenge for me, and he is also kind and enthusiastic and good at motivating people. I'm grateful that he thought of me and reached out when he did.
I'm working on making a shift to gratitude. I have a husband and a best friend who love me, my sons are closer than they were before. We have resumed Sunday dinners outdoor with my parents. I'm back at work. I have made huge progress in the math and physics projects with the Guru, and now I have a safe way to get back to BJJ. I have kept a running Gratitude List posted on the refrigerator for everyone to use. I'll try to use this space as well, to try to get my head on straight as I try to get back to some kind of Normal.
