Writing BJJ

I spent about an hour yesterday on a video conference with the BJJ blue belt from Rio who has been recruiting writers for the new magazine he and his coach are starting. The goal is a 24-page online publication every month and it appears I will be a regular contributor to this effort. Needless to say, I'm very excited.

This month, I'm expanding on stuff I've already blogged about. Next month's goals will be more challenging.  These articles will require research and probably interviews, and will therefore be farther outside my comfort zone. But as I keep saying, getting out of my comfort zone is the point of doing the thing, so there it is.

I told a select handful of people, and got some nice feedback. My Sixam Coach is an artist and a musician, and seemed to understand best the drive to create for its own sake.  We always have good conversations, and he and the Other Sixam Coach delve into the deeper issues of BJJ training in their weekly podcast, so I'm sure the two of them will be a source of much inspiration.  I'm doing my best so far to be somewhat nonchalant and not obnoxiously enthusiastic about my new project with everyone else.

As for the rest of the weekend, I spent a chunk of it outdoors.  This is my favorite time of year, and my favorite weather, so it was nice to hike with Savageman and the dog, and spend some time in the creek with the dog today.

Tomorrow, I'm back to work and will plan for some time researching and writing.

Writing about stuff I love, for an audience of people who love it as well.

I can't fully express how much this pleases me.

Community

Savageman and I went out on an actual date last night, to a comedy night in Harrisburg where one of my teammates was performing. We also stopped to see our Eldest, who works the door and books the shows for live music events at another Harrisburg location. A wild night indeed, for people who typically end their work week on the couch watching TV with the dog.

Several other teammates and their spouses came out to see our comedy friend. It's always a treat to see each other outside of the gym, dressed in normal clothes, with spouses and significant others, doing something other than trying to kill each other for a change.  And it's nice for Savageman to get to know my friends and vice-versa in person.

It occurred to me that the diversity of our training group makes for some interesting outings.  In addition to the comedy show, we've seen our Sixam Coach play stand up bass at several local establishments, and have come out to see another teammate's art on display at restaurants and shows. There have been community events like fundraising walks and outreach events we've attended as a group, Halloween and pool parties, game nights, birthday dinners out, and, of course tournaments, where people will travel to coach and support a teammate even if they themselves are not competing.

It's a real sense of community that I think many adults struggle to find in their daily lives.  Some are fortunate to have co-workers, childhood pals, neighbors, friends from church or other organizations to get together with regularly, but many struggle to find such meaningful connections with others, and this is one of the things I love best about the martial arts community. The shared experience of struggling and striving together, challenging ourselves and each other to improve, the Facebook shares and inside jokes, and the diversity of gender, ethnicity, ages, education, careers and life experiences we represent make for a rich tapestry of social experience that fills this need to care for and connect with others.

It was good getting out last night, and good to have interesting things to talk about with Savageman this morning.  What makes a comedian funny / not funny, what is okay / offensive and why, what kind of bravery / pathology gives people the desire to put themselves out there week after week, traveling to different venues and experimenting with different material, not knowing if it will succeed or bomb.  As someone who has traveled several hours to BJJ tournaments for (hopefully) a few 6 minute matches, only to go home empty-handed, I identified with the compulsion to do something others might see as a little bit crazy.  Exposure to different experiences and perspectives makes for much more stimulating conversation than what shopping or house projects need to be done this weekend, or what we're going to binge on TV tonight.

As we get older and prepare to prepare for the empty nest years ahead, it's good to have this wide and welcoming community of different people and perspectives to draw upon. It promises to keep my mind open and sharp, and to provide enrichment both on and off the mat.  And I'm glad Savageman is willing to be part of the community as well, even though he doesn't roll.

Yet.

😊

Early Morning No-Gi

My alarm is set for 4:45 for Friday morning no-gi prior to Sixam BJJ.

Some weeks, this means I only get 4 hours of sleep, but it's somehow easier to get up on Fridays than after 5 hours of sleep on Mondays and Wednesdays for regular Sixam class. It's either something to do with my circadian rhythm and sleep cycle, or I'm just really excited to get up for the double class.

It's been about 2 months since I've made this a regular part of my training schedule, and I feel like it's making a real difference. It's a small group - usually 6-12 people, and I'm usually the only woman who goes.  But the training has been invaluable, and it's inspired me to add Saturday morning no-gi as well (this one at 10 am), to experiment in the larger group. Since the addition of these two classes, I feel like I've moved off a plateau - the Coaches' Coach said as much last weekend after we rolled a few rounds, which was good validation of my theory.

No-gi is faster and slipperier than rolling in a gi. I feel like I'm more aggressive, spend more time on top, and less time stuck under a heavier opponent.  The best analogy for how I feel is that I'm swimming in no-gi versus fighting to tread water in gi.  When I'm not slowed down by the friction of the gi, I feel like I can make better use of the techniques I've worked so hard to learn, but I often feel blocked from using in gi. It's an exciting feeling.

I still won't likely get to bed before 12:30, and I have to work tomorrow morning after class. But I've had a nap this evening and I can nap tomorrow after work, so the short sleep window tonight won't affect me much.  Totally worth it.

The Bullying Thread

One of my teammates moderates a fantastic group on Facebook for blue belts, and today he posted a question that immediately blew up with responses and stories. It clearly struck a chord.

The question was "Were you ever bullied? Were you a bully? What changed?"

Responses came from former bullies and victims alike. In both cases, the answer to "What changed?" was that they learned how to fight.  This improved their self-confidence, which ended the need to bully and also removed the fear of standing up to those doing the bullying.

People underestimate the power of learning how to fight.  Even if you never actually throw a punch or lock up a kimura outside of class, the knowledge of these methods of self-protection and persuasion can go a long way toward making you less of a target for people who are looking for someone who isn't likely to push back.

I contributed to the thread as well.  For much of middle school, I was picked on relentlessly.  I was a "nice" kid, not one to stand up to anyone or do anything that would get me in trouble (although I would frequently fantasize about slamming a fist into one of their faces.)  I was awkward, a nerd, and not into the things more conventional girls were into. I liked horses and writing stories and playing D&D.  My family addressed the bullying situation by trying to help me fit in better. I needed to learn to wear makeup and fashionable clothes, hide the science fiction; essentially, pretend to be someone else, which really only served to make it worse.

When I switched to Catholic school in 9th grade, I found a nice group of intellectuals and band / theater kids and I managed to keep my quirks under wraps enough to feel successful. But in college, I was  depressed and anxious and a pathological people-pleaser.  When I started seeing a therapist, the topic of my middle school bullying came up.  He asked what I thought was wrong with the kids who had done this to me, and it was honestly the first time I had considered the possibility that the problem had been with them and not with me. That maybe I wasn't the one who was broken, they were.

I found out just a few years ago that the boy who had been one of the ringleaders had a domineering, misogynistic father, and despite his show of bravado, his home-life had been hell during those years. Would things have been different had I known that at the time?  It's hard to say.  What I do know now is that bullies pick on the "nice" kids who don't stand up for themselves for fear of making it worse or getting into trouble, in order to gain power they feel is lacking in other parts of their lives.  When my own sons have talked about kids who bully at school, the question has always been, "What do you think is wrong in his life? Why do you think he feels the need to do this?"

When our youngest was the one being picked on, we let him know we were behind him when he stood up to the kid, shoved him up against a locker and told him to cut it the fuck out; he would fight him if he needed to. He happily served 3 days of detention for the shove and the threat, but the bullying ended that day, and no one has messed with him since. Of all the things he's done so far in his young life, I think this is the one that has made me proudest so far.

How different would my life have been if I had possessed the balls to do that when I needed to do it, rather than continuing to be "nice" and trying to change myself to make them like me more?

Teaching the kids' bullyproof BJJ class these last several years has been a healing experience for me. When I talk to the kids about bullies, I focus on the fact that kids bully other kids because of things going on in their own lives. I tell them that we can be compassionate, while at the same time setting appropriate, enforceable limits for how we will allow ourselves to be treated. Giving them the tools that I needed when I was young makes me feel like maybe my middle school experience and what I took from it was worth the pain that it caused at the time.

A nice sentiment, of course, but total bullshit.

It absolutely was not worth it. Not one little bit. There's a 13 year old girl inside of me who will never be completely over it, and I will continue to work on making it up to her in a million little ways, probably for the rest of my life. Thankfully, in the last 5-10 years, she has begun to trust that the rest of me is strong enough to protect her and celebrate the cool girl she is.  It's been a lot of work, undoing all that damage.

September 10th is Suicide Awareness Day.  I'm glad that bullying and its ramifications are getting more attention now than they used to, and I'm glad there are programs like the one I'm so proud to teach that give kids the skills and confidence they need to stand up for themselves and their friends. It was a good day to discuss the topic in the blue belt group where there are currently 77 responses from people who were glad that they learned to fight.

Exercising All the Muscles

I may have found myself an opportunity to do some writing about BJJ. As in a professional thing.

When I think of all the things I could possibly do to make money, I really can't think of anything that I would love more than to work on my own schedule, immersed in the flow of the creative process of stringing together words that please me, on topics related to my other passion - the flow of stringing together combative moves that please me - for an audience of people who not only don't think I'm crazy for loving this, but who love it just as much.

So it was an exciting week, thinking about this possibility and how much fun it will be if it happens.

It comes on the heels of the interesting mix of audio books that have been enlightening me while I'm driving or working around the house.  One is Scott Young's Ultralearning, which is all about how to learn Difficult Things.  Young regularly challenges himself to do just that, and he challenges others to do the same and share their success stories, which are interesting and a good source of inspiration. Another along the same lines is by chess champ and martial artist Josh Waitzkin - The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance.  And finally, the 4 Hour Work Week, by Tim Ferriss, which describes how to turn an interest or knowledge set into a business idea that you can automate and run from anywhere in the world, then go about using the funds generated by said  enterprise to go forth and live your best life.

Was it serendipity that this writing opportunity arose when I had been priming myself for it for weeks, or did I notice it and pounce on it due to this priming itself?  It doesn't really matter either way.  I'm ready for some challenges.

So I'm here, exercising my writing muscles, which have been atrophied by years of blogging once every 6 months instead of daily or weekly.  I'm hoping this goes better than the Planet Fitness membership and my vow to go strengthen my physical muscles. I've had the membership for a few months and I think I've gone twice. What can I say - I'm a creature of habit and going home after work and eating and staying there are the habits I've developed. My dog and TV and laptop and books are here. Most days I've already done a morning BJJ class, so it's not like I'm a couch potato. The Planet, with its machines and yellow and purple walls and mirrors,  just feels so... foreign. And inhospitable. 

I do need the muscles, though. As usual, I'm running into problems where the lack of size and strength of my body is holding me back from fulfilling my potential at my sport. I'm a purple belt, but I get out-muscled and out-squished by lower belts, and my additional experience and technical knowledge are useless if I'm trapped under someone.

I've spent the last few weeks working on just one technique with The Guru - and I can tell he's getting frustrated that I still can't reliably execute the thing - a basic stiff-arm escape from the bottom of side control.  He added some core exercises to the mix this weekend which were not easy for me to do (and this evening I'm feeling a mild preview of the soreness I'm going to feel tomorrow). In addition to my wimpy core, we've tweaked the timing piece and the angle piece, Saturday the Coach's Coach added a leverage piece. Today, my regular Sixam Coach had me add a whole other limb to the equation, essentially slipping my knee in to reinforce what my weak upper body wasn't doing on its own.  I'm hoping this will be the key because all this feeling sucky is bringing me down.

It's a familiar pattern, this being enticed by a new challenge, wanting to be good at it, working and working at it to the point that I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall, coming at it from all different angles, overthinking and obsessing over it, and then finally getting angry - which is where it usually clicks.  I suspect that the Guru knows this by now, and knows the best way to expedite the process is to be the one who brings out the anger... but that's just a theory.

Which brings me to the other set of muscles he has me working - the Math Muscles. A couple of weeks ago, he brought home an Introduction to Analysis text for me - apparently intended for the transition between undergrad and graduate levels for math students.  I still haven't finished high school Calculus, but it actually doesn't matter, both Abstract Algebra and Analysis seem to involve a different skill set than normal math.  We've tinkered with these topics many, many times over the years, but this is the first time there has been a book (two books, actually, because the Abstract Algebra one was mine) guiding our math nerding. So it's serious now.

There are very few numbers involved in this kind of math.  It's mostly squiggles and Greek letters that need to be combined and recombined into proofs of the fundamental truths that underlie all the other types of math. I'm making a point of doing all the exercises, because it's too easy to read the text and say, "sure this makes sense," but then realize I'm completely clueless when it's time to create my own solution or proof.  With practice, it starts to become comfortable, but it's not easy. This weekend, I likened it to looking at a Magic Eye picture that seems impossibly complex and thoroughly meaningless, but after looking at it for a while, (and maybe getting a little frustrated over it) there's a sudden shift and - voila, something real emerges.  Those moments are gratifying and addictive, keeping me motivated to plug away at this stuff, craving those little hits of dopamine that come with them.

Hoping for similar moments on the mats as I try to pull together all these pieces of timing, leverage, angles, and yes, strength and an extra limb if needed - to consistently get unstuck from that position. And then write about it all.

All the muscles, working really hard as we head into Fall.

Still Here

Just out of the habit of writing.

I'm staying busy with other things - more work than in previous years (got college to pay for now), still training in the early mornings and teaching women's and kids' classes 1-2 days per week. Goals at home include more math and physics than I've attempted before, cleaning and decluttering the place, and cooking new and interesting things for myself and sometimes Savageman (who doesn't eat much) and Little (who isn't so little now that he's 16 and learning to drive.)  Middle is in his second year of college, and the Eldest lives in his own place nearby and works for the State.

We have a new dog, a Border Collie / Australian Cattle Dog mix, and the same cat, who is not nearly as fond of this puppy as she was of the Pointer, who died at 13 back in June. I was determined not to sign on for another 10-15 year commitment, but Little insisted that his remaining years with us could not be dog-less, and, as it turned out, I was also feeling a significant hole in our family.  Even the cat was wandering around, missing her old pal, looking around hopefully when she heard a dog bark on TV.  We adopted this guy about a month later, after an intensive search.  He was about 6 months old, and was being fostered on a farm in Gettysburg.  He's been a nice addition, although the cat has decided he's a bit too young and playful for her tastes.  Maybe after he settles down a bit they will become friends.

This month marks the start of my 5th year of BJJ.  At this point, I had already earned my first black belt in my previous martial art, but I'm only about a third of the way there in this one, which is far more complicated and relies heavily on live combat with a non-cooperative partner.  Being older and smaller than most of my training partners is a blessing and a curse - I need to work much harder on technical details in order to make anything work, and I am constantly needing to adjust my expectations of myself and not get too frustrated or disappointed with progress that feels slower than I'd like.  That in itself is probably a good thing for me, life-wise.

Similarly, I've become much more serious about the academic pursuits I had only been tinkering with in previous years. The Guru, of course, has been my primary motivator, and I've been fortunate to have him in town frequently enough to work with me on the more challenging bits of both math and physics.  It's been an intense year of challenge and growth in both my ability and my confidence in myself, despite again feeling like the progress is slower than I'd like for it to be.  I have a tendency to jump around a lot, following my own, or sometimes his, bliss, which is good in many ways, because it keeps everything fresh and exciting, but I occasionally I become all too aware of the fact that not sticking with something long enough to master it works against me as well.  My goal now is to strike a balance between slogging through the boring parts in pursuit of mastery, and allowing my enthusiasm for a new challenge to lead me away for a while.

We've also been cooking a lot on these visits, and experimenting with new techniques and toys.  My favorite Chirstmas gift was a Sous Vide machine, with which I have been making tasty, perfect medium rare steaks and the like.  There's something meditative and satisfying about throwing yourself into a cooking project, bringing all the parts together to achieve a delicious conclusion.  It's something I used to do a lot pre-parenthood, or with Little when he was into it, but not so much in recent years.  It's been nice to rediscover my enthusiasm for culinary creativity.

It's been a good year, overall, with some ups and downs and things on both ends of that spectrum that keep us grateful for each other and for all that we have.  I'll try to write more if I think of it....