One of my teammates moderates a fantastic group on Facebook for blue belts, and today he posted a question that immediately blew up with responses and stories. It clearly struck a chord.
The question was "Were you ever bullied? Were you a bully? What changed?"
Responses came from former bullies and victims alike. In both cases, the answer to "What changed?" was that they learned how to fight. This improved their self-confidence, which ended the need to bully and also removed the fear of standing up to those doing the bullying.
People underestimate the power of learning how to fight. Even if you never actually throw a punch or lock up a kimura outside of class, the knowledge of these methods of self-protection and persuasion can go a long way toward making you less of a target for people who are looking for someone who isn't likely to push back.
I contributed to the thread as well. For much of middle school, I was picked on relentlessly. I was a "nice" kid, not one to stand up to anyone or do anything that would get me in trouble (although I would frequently fantasize about slamming a fist into one of their faces.) I was awkward, a nerd, and not into the things more conventional girls were into. I liked horses and writing stories and playing D&D. My family addressed the bullying situation by trying to help me fit in better. I needed to learn to wear makeup and fashionable clothes, hide the science fiction; essentially, pretend to be someone else, which really only served to make it worse.
When I switched to Catholic school in 9th grade, I found a nice group of intellectuals and band / theater kids and I managed to keep my quirks under wraps enough to feel successful. But in college, I was depressed and anxious and a pathological people-pleaser. When I started seeing a therapist, the topic of my middle school bullying came up. He asked what I thought was wrong with the kids who had done this to me, and it was honestly the first time I had considered the possibility that the problem had been with them and not with me. That maybe I wasn't the one who was broken, they were.
I found out just a few years ago that the boy who had been one of the ringleaders had a domineering, misogynistic father, and despite his show of bravado, his home-life had been hell during those years. Would things have been different had I known that at the time? It's hard to say. What I do know now is that bullies pick on the "nice" kids who don't stand up for themselves for fear of making it worse or getting into trouble, in order to gain power they feel is lacking in other parts of their lives. When my own sons have talked about kids who bully at school, the question has always been, "What do you think is wrong in his life? Why do you think he feels the need to do this?"
When our youngest was the one being picked on, we let him know we were behind him when he stood up to the kid, shoved him up against a locker and told him to cut it the fuck out; he would fight him if he needed to. He happily served 3 days of detention for the shove and the threat, but the bullying ended that day, and no one has messed with him since. Of all the things he's done so far in his young life, I think this is the one that has made me proudest so far.
How different would my life have been if I had possessed the balls to do that when I needed to do it, rather than continuing to be "nice" and trying to change myself to make them like me more?
Teaching the kids' bullyproof BJJ class these last several years has been a healing experience for me. When I talk to the kids about bullies, I focus on the fact that kids bully other kids because of things going on in their own lives. I tell them that we can be compassionate, while at the same time setting appropriate, enforceable limits for how we will allow ourselves to be treated. Giving them the tools that I needed when I was young makes me feel like maybe my middle school experience and what I took from it was worth the pain that it caused at the time.
A nice sentiment, of course, but total bullshit.
It absolutely was not worth it. Not one little bit. There's a 13 year old girl inside of me who will never be completely over it, and I will continue to work on making it up to her in a million little ways, probably for the rest of my life. Thankfully, in the last 5-10 years, she has begun to trust that the rest of me is strong enough to protect her and celebrate the cool girl she is. It's been a lot of work, undoing all that damage.
September 10th is Suicide Awareness Day. I'm glad that bullying and its ramifications are getting more attention now than they used to, and I'm glad there are programs like the one I'm so proud to teach that give kids the skills and confidence they need to stand up for themselves and their friends. It was a good day to discuss the topic in the blue belt group where there are currently 77 responses from people who were glad that they learned to fight.
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