It's a quiet Sunday morning and I'm up early, reading and writing with My Dog snoring at my feet.
I spent much of last night reading over a lot of what I've written here over the last 10+ years. The recent unexpected passing of someone from the outer circle of friends, of whom I was still very fond despite our limited interaction, put me in a curious mindset regarding an earlier decade, and it's been interesting to time-machine back to when I was still actively raising the kiddos instead of merely serving as Home Base. Only one was in school, no one was driving, I rarely worked outside of home, and combat sports and their associated benefits were still somewhat of a new thing for me.
A lot has changed.
I work almost full-time now, and I have started my own business on top of my regular job. I now have 2 black belts in Korean martial arts, a Purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and an Orange belt in Judo. I have coached and instructed countless kids and women in sport jiu jitsu, bullyproofing, and self-defense. And despite this last year of interruptions due to the Pandemic, I have found ways to modify and cross-train, and learn, teach and mentor others in the ways of Combat Badassery. Meanwhile, after the last decade of being on the receiving end of the Guru's mentoring in Academic Badassery, I am confident in my ability to take on tutoring clients in even the higher levels of math and science. It's been a lot of work. A lot of work. But it's beginning to pay off, and I have him to thank for much of the motivation and confidence and empowerment that has brought me here.
Savageman deserves a great deal of credit too. For someone who wasn't a fan of me working even part-time when the kids were young, he's gone from grudging acceptance of my combat sports obsession and my gradual entry into the workforce to being my biggest supporter and cheerleader today. The changes in our partnership from then to now, and the movement he has made out of his own comfort zone have made this phase of marriage a true joy. We've come through so much together, and despite the bumps in the road, I couldn't have wished for a better friend, romantic partner, co-parent, quarantine buddy, and all-around favorite person to share my life. Again, so much hard work, both on ourselves and on our marriage. But the payoffs are clear when I look back at what life was like then vs. now.
The boys are making changes as well. The Eldest is 25, working for the State, living on his own, paying his bills, dating a girl. When I look back at the way I agonized over every little parenting decision back then, I wish I could have time-machined to now and gotten some reassurance that I could relax - mistakes will be made of course, but it's going to be okay and he will find his way and be his authentic self. It's all I've ever wanted for him, and he seems to know that now, and to know that I did my best with the knowledge and skills and support I had at the time.
Middle is graduating from Penn State and heading to UCLA to begin his PhD in Chemistry this summer. I can't take credit for much with regard to his success, but I do hope that I set an example of a Growth Mindset and passed along the attitude that even very difficult things are possible if you are willing to put in the time and effort. He is home this weekend to get his first dose of Covid vaccine, and will return to State College today for the final push. Graduation is less than a month away, and we will have him for probably 2 and a half months before he moves across the country. I will miss him like crazy, but I'm so excited for him that it doesn't matter. His life has had its share of stress and frustration and disappointment and he has managed to channel it all into pushing forward and achieving some serious goals. I can't be anything other than thrilled for him as he heads into this next chapter.
Not-So-Little is graduating as well, with no desire at all to go to college at this point. He has already found his life's work in the automotive field, learning about cars, working on cars, collecting cars, and taking on leadership roles in the local car enthusiast community. He has distinguished himself in his Vo-Tech program as a top student and leader, has demonstrated a solid work ethic at his cafe / catering job, and has surrounded himself with true friends who have been delightful additions to our family. When we saw that the track he was choosing would likely mean ending his formal education at 18, we were hesitant. Would these major life decisions he was making at 14 come back to bite him later? Should we intervene and insist he stay on a college-prep path, convince him to invest his energy into the things we thought were important and guide him away from his car-obsession? It was a leap of faith, but seeing how happy he is with his life, how he is working hard and is immersed in activities that bring him so much happiness - it is clear to see that we made the right decision to back off and let him find his own way.
Time-machining back for an evening was an interesting exercise, and it occurred to me that if I had known then what I know now, I could have put my anxious mind at ease, at least a bit. I would like to tell my 41-year-old self, "This is all going to be okay. There is really good stuff ahead - just stay true to yourself, cultivate a supportive group of like-minded friends, work hard on your goals and encourage the boys to do the same." Continuing to put one foot in front of the other and valuing authenticity above all else seemed to have been good choices. The challenges and frustrations and losses and grief that were hard to see past at the time set us up for a profound period of growth, and for that I am grateful.
I'm looking forward to the light at the end of the Pandemic tunnel. I'm ready to get back to daily training / teaching, and I'm eager to see where everyone's new endeavors (including my own) take us. I'm leading, as always, with Gratitude.
