So it's been just over a month since I started back at BJJ for the 6 am class with my solitary training pal. School is starting this week, and the risk of COVID will likely go up. Tomorrow will be our last day of training for now, and I'm determined not to repeat what happened the last time I had to stop. The good news is that I know how to find my normal self again, and that she was still there to be found. This alone is huge, and I need to remember it in the weeks, and probably months, to come.
We started July 24th with the normal 3 mornings per week that I've done consistently for the last 3 years, up until March when we locked down. Then, in the second week of August, the 6 am class added Tuesdays and Thursdays, so we've been training every weekday for the last 2 1/2 weeks. Endurance-wise, this was less of a challenge than either of us expected. It does suck to go from 8 solid hours of sleep per night to 5, but some strategically placed naps have kept this from bothering me too much. I've still had plenty of energy for work, I've been staying up late and not falling asleep while reading or watching TV, and my body feels good.
The biggest difference has been in my mental and emotional state. I'm me again. I'm not angry or sad, I have motivation to do things, and I'm not feeling drawn to binging on political news to feed the bottomless anxiety and rage monster that had taken up residence inside of me. I'm still not at all happy with the situation, of course, but the dislike is just hanging out in the background and no longer consuming me to the point that I feel strong emotions about it. Any exposure to it now triggers a sigh and an eye-roll now instead of the dark, enduring anguish it had caused before.
My suspicion is that this is what it feels like to go on depression meds. I'm guessing the shift in neurochemistry is pretty much the same, and this theory resonates with the feeling that I had a few weeks into the lockdown that I was a person who had (after about 10 years of successful treatment) gone off her meds. I feel back to my normal self, and by normal, I mean treated.
Curious to know if it was outwardly apparent as well, I asked Savageman about this last night. "Do I seem different now that I've been training again?" He thought about this. "You don't seem different now. You were different before, when you weren't training. But now you're back to your normal self." Hearing this pleased me. I do not like the person I was for those 4 months, and knowing that there had been a better version of myself for the previous decade made it all the more frustrating and painful to endure.
So the question now is, what do I do with this information? I know that my near-daily dose of combat sports keeps me centered and functional, and I am pretty sure that it will be months before I can safely do it again, at least in that context. I need something with which I can replace it, and I need to make myself accountable to whatever it is. I'm thinking the Onnit 6 Bodyweight workout I purchased early in the lockdown is probably my best bet, maybe with some added weight training and running. What I would really like is for one of my family members to simply do BJJ with me for an hour a day, but that's a lot to ask, as they've all been telling me. Even though it would benefit them too. Just saying.
As for the rest of us, the Eldest is still doing his State job from home and is working on becoming an excellent cook. Middle started his senior year at Penn State, but insists that the school will close within 2 weeks and he will be back home again. Little heads back to VoTech tomorrow to start his own senior year - he will have 2 afternoons there and one morning at the High School per week, with the rest of his classes online. Or, if the cases go up, with all of his classes online. Again. The virus has finally made its way into the nursing home where Savageman works, so that's a new level of risk as well.
It's a lot. The political situation is also heating up, and like I said, I'm trying to disengage from that and the upcoming election for now as much as I can. I have a pile of masks to finish sewing, and a stack of math and physics I've been neglecting. And I need to figure out my BJJ replacement routine. Once that is in place, the rest will be manageable.
It's been a great month. I'm sorry to see it end.
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