Waking Up

 I just finished my second week of being back at BJJ.  I've been training on Monday / Wednesday / Friday mornings at 6 am, and I have been running 2-3 miles on the days I don't train. Next week, the plan is to train every morning.  Our goal is to get as much in as we can before schools open and potentially drive up the number of COVID cases in our county, at which point we will need to reevaluate the risk / benefit ratio of this arrangement we've had.

I feel better. I'm more interested in doing things, talking to people, putting myself out there.  I'm reading about developing good habits and sticking with them, and I'm watching videos on this topic instead of news that will make me sad and angry and frustrated. I have some good audiobooks queued up as well, on topics that interest me. Surrounded by interesting options, I'm no longer locked in my head, dreading the prospect of downtime, escaping into passive YouTube scrolling or picking clovers for hours in the backyard. 

Yesterday, Middle suggested we go kayaking and I was happy to go.  A few weeks ago, I had declined, saying the idea of this just seemed too overwhelming to consider. Today, I did the same trip on the creek with Savageman. I also bought some interesting fabrics for making masks for the boys, and I purchased meat and ground up and froze 20-something pounds of burger blend. 

I feel like I've been asleep, or very much sedated, and my brain is waking up.

It seems important to document this, because I know I will veer off the path again, and I want to remind myself that it doesn't take all that long to get back on track if I do the right things. 

Atomic Habits, Stick With It, The Upward Spiral.... all of these books emphasize the importance of developing systems and habits. These are ideally built through a process of very small incremental changes, and intentionally planning your environment and routines for success and not sabotage. Coming out of my trance, I've been able to look at what I've been doing wrong, and what I'm now doing right, and the effects these choices have had on my energy and outlook. 

Getting up and going somewhere in the morning is important, whether it is to work, to BJJ, or even just to Panera to get my free daily giant iced coffee (they had a summer promotion). Staying in my pajamas all day is a recipe for misery. 

Equally important is what I do when I get home - from work, in particular. When things were going well, I had been coming home, skipping the kitchen, and getting right on the treadmill.  I was already dressed in workout clothes, since I wear scrubs now at work, with the sports-bra and leggings underneath. I would go straight to the basement, hop on the treadmill, and watch the late night comedy shows from the previous night on YouTube. If it was Monday, I'd watch John Oliver.  After about 30-40 minutes, I'd have run 2-3 miles and would be sweaty and pleasantly exhausted. I'd throw my workout clothes in the washing machine along with the day's scrubs and whatever laundry was lying around the house, empty the dehumidifier into the washing machine as well, throw a bathing suit on, and go relax in the hot tub.  Perfect transition from the work portion to the home portion of the day. 

The one thing that had been ruining this was making a stop in the kitchen. I would intend to eat just a quick snack, it would turn into a full meal, and then I wouldn't be able to run.  I am an empty-stomach-workout-person. Anything more than a handful of nuts or M&Ms will throw off the rest of the evening, and, once this became my new habit, the rest of my week.  

This brings me to another important thing I learned from Atomic Habits - the need for rules and structure.  One of the things that originally made the biggest difference in going from a Night Owl to a get-up-at-5-to-train person was the Don't Skip Twice rule.  It was inevitable that I would occasionally miss a 6am class here and there.  Maybe I went to bed too late, maybe I was feeling run down, or had a pulled muscle that needed some rest. I would allow myself to miss that one class - but I would have to go to the next one.  Missing one happens sometimes.  Missing two is the start of a new habit. 

Another important concept from Atomic Habits is the idea that you are the average of the 5 people with whom you spend the most time. This has certainly been the case for me, and I have been very fortunate to have been surrounded by a core group of hard workers, lifelong learners, and people of integrity who generally feel at home in their own skin. They inspire me to embody the same traits. A week or two ago, as I was pulling the clovers with Savageman, I brought up this concept, and asked, "What does it mean if you don't spend time with anyone? How does that rule play out?"  I was hiding, feeling like I had nothing to offer, while at the same time feeling too unmotivated to do what it would take to feel worthy of companionship. Now that I'm feeling better, I'm trying to reconnect with my friends again.  

So that's where I'm at. Right now, I feel a bit of pressure to get things done while I still feel good, and I'm trying to use the structure from these motivational resources to keep the good momentum going for as long as I can. The fall will have its share of challenges, and I want to be at my best going into the next few months.