Normalcy

.... at least in a relative sense. 

The magical 2 week interval has passed and, sure enough, I feel like my normal self again. I've trained every weekday this week and last, and if anything, I appreciate it now even more than I did in August. Having to go without it again for the short break we took really drove home the point that this is a necessity for me, and I will do what I can to protect and preserve it for as long as possible. 

I am still restricting myself to my quarantine pal, and I think he is similarly grateful to be back. We have settled into a good routine together, and he's been very diligent about finding my bad habits and the holes in my game and exploiting them, giving me incentive to explore and implement some fixes. There are definite advantages to rolling consistently with one person - you begin to anticipate each other's moves and look for ways to defeat them, leading to some innovation with regard to preventing or countering those defeats, and so on. Another advantage is that, when you switch partners every 5 minutes, you want to bring your A-game to each roll. In our current situation, we are free-rolling for the last 30 minutes of class, just with each other, so we are more able to mix things up, experiment, get out of the comfort zone, try something different. We've been good about communicating with each other and supporting each other's progress, and we've already noticed a lot of growth in ourselves and each other. I'm extremely grateful to have been the one he approached with his "crazy idea."

Other than constantly chasing down enough sleep, I have felt really good about the structure of my days. It sucks to get out of bed at 5:15 am, but by the time I get to the gym, I'm awake and happy to be there. We've been hanging out and talking with the coach after class, which is always good. One insight from Atomic Habits is that you are the average of the 5 people with whom you spend the most time. I am always better when my coach is one of those people, as I admire his no-bullshit perspective on life and work and training and family very much. He is a good person to have in my head. 

When I leave, I stop at Panera for my daily (still free) giant iced coffee, which is waiting on the shelf for me when I arrive. I go home and either shower or soak in the hot tub, then leisurely get ready for work with Savageman. We leave around 9 on most days. I work until 3 or 4 on most days, and I don't eat while I'm there, so it's just the iced coffee until I get home. I'm still hitting the treadmill for a mile or two before I eat.  I am still a runner. When Savageman gets home, he usually has food from the nursing home - they've been taking very good care of the employees and feeding us very well while also supporting the local restaurants. We take the dog for a 1-2 mile walk and work on his social skills. We talk primarily about our work day and the political situation. Our conservative neighborhood is full of Biden/Harris signs, which gives us hope, as the news of the current administration has been drifting into dystopian nightmare territory. 

At night, we've been binging a show - currently The Americans, which is very good. I talk to the boys online while we watch, but not so much with my other friends lately, as they have been busy with their teaching and research. The Guru came home last weekend and we spent Saturday together. He taught me some topology / abstract algebra stuff and I gave him an indoor food smoker for his birthday. I miss our frequent Zoom math marathons from the spring, but it's a lot to ask of him, and I haven't had a ton of time to keep up my end between our lessons. When I do find some time to work on mathy things, it's been linear algebra, which I like very much, although the topological stuff is fascinating as well. Accumulating these tools and then seeing how they are applied in different areas of physics has been challenging and fun, so I will keep at it, especially when the weather is more suited for curling up in my sweats on the couch than being outside. 

For now, the weather is still summery, but comfortable. The air conditioning is off, but the days are still warm and pleasant. This is my favorite time of year, and I'm trying to keep my focus on things that I enjoy - much of which is outside. Tonight is Friday, and I will be grateful to catch up on some sleep this weekend after the 4-5 hours I've been getting during the week. 

It's a good normal for now, given what we're dealing with. Much gratitude for all that is going well. 

But Really, I'm a Jiu Jiterio

Nice try, running.  It's not you, it's me. We can still be friends and hang out together sometimes.

Apparently, two weeks is the magic number. This weekend, I started wondering about my pal, and wondering if he was wondering about me as well.  I rolled with Savageman for a while yesterday morning, and that helped a little, but rolling with a reluctant partner who doesn't know how to attack - or how to counter my attacks - doesn't really give me the adrenaline rush I feel like I've been missing. I thought about reaching out to the pal and seeing where he's at, but tonight he beat me to it. 

We're resuming tomorrow morning. 

It's been interesting, this little quasi-experimental situation that's presented itself.  If I've ever wondered what combat sports actually do for my well-being, and how long it takes for those benefits to be felt (or to fade), it's been made fairly clear by this pandemic. 

I was still anxious during the first week after resuming, but by the end of the second week, I felt like myself again. After stopping, I seem to still be good for the first week. After two weeks, I'm still feeling energetic and upbeat, but now I frequently feel a squeezing sensation in my chest, and I have to force myself to take a deep breath. This is the same thing I was feeling during BJJ Cessation 1.0.  An elephant on my chest. I think it's interesting that my brain isn't experiencing any anxiety yet, but my body is already a step ahead in the process. Running feels good, and there's a release of endorphins after running more than two miles that scares the elephant away for a short time. But it was back with a vengeance while we were walking the dog tonight. Good air in, bad air out. 

I was relieved when my pal reached out tonight, because my mind had been spinning all day, trying to think of a way to get Savageman to work with me more, or a way to get more out of my solitary workouts. Nothing was coming to mind. The pal described his mood as "meh" - so I guess this is something we both need pretty badly. There's just something unique about rolling. Starting your day with simulated murder floods your brain with the best neurochemistry and puts the stresses of the rest of the day in some kind of perspective. 

Packing my bag and getting to bed....

I Am a Runner

 Another takeaway from the motivational books on which I've been nerding is the importance of using identity as a tool for behavior change. The typical example given is when someone is offered a cigarette, there is a difference between saying "I'm trying to quit" vs. "I'm a non-smoker."  Tying your identity to the behavior you're trying to change improves your chances of success. 

This week, I have been making the transition between thinking of myself as a jiu jiterio who is trying to run more, and convincing myself that I am actually a runner. Every mile I put in is a vote for this new identity and evidence that it is true. 

A runner runs. 

So I'm running, because that's what I do now. And I've paired it with something I like, which is binging a show on Hulu, which is only available in the basement, where the treadmill is located. Pairing your target behavior with another behavior you enjoy is a form of stacking - another lesson from Atomic Habits. 

I have always hated running, but I do realize that it's a useful tool and I can make use of it when I need to. Thinking of myself as a runner is a new thing, but I am getting there - starting with the phrase "I am a runner," which I say to myself more than would seem reasonable.  I have also considered posting a sign that says as much above the treadmill.  

I also have been logging my miles. I'm counting miles that I actually run on the treadmill and miles that I walk the dog outside. I don't run with the dog, but I walk briskly enough that I think it should count. Our typical loop is 1.7 miles.  If I also get in a 1-3 mile run on the treadmill, that has been sufficient to keep my head on straight. 

Over the long weekend, I kept up this level of activity, and also helped clean / declutter the garage and the garden.  These were big jobs, so I got a lot of exercise. Little and his bestie did much of the garage work, but I spent a chunk of Saturday restoring the kayak pulley system in the garage to get those off the ground, and moving the woodpile outside.  I did not do the Onnit workout or any math, but it will be easier to get to these things with my plate cleared of these other projects. 

So it was good. I'll be sore tomorrow after all the weed-pulling, but will be happy to be back at work. We had two pleasant cookouts with my parents, and will enjoy these outdoor weekend dinners for as long as we can, before the weather gets too cold. It remains to be seen how safe it will be for us all to dine indoors together.  

Goal for tomorrow will be 3 miles after work, before I eat. 

One Week Down

 I'm still okay.

I've been running every day, and I plan to add the bodyweight workout as well, perhaps over the 4 day weekend I have coming up. Ditto for a return to math. 

Middle is still at college, and they haven't shut down yet, although he is perpetually cranky and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. He doesn't get enough time in lab, he hasn't been getting the support he needs for his project, he isn't able to lift, and there's nothing fun to look forward to on campus. No football games, no bars, no parties.  It doesn't sound like much fun, but I'm grateful that they are at least trying to stay open so far, while so many schools are already 100% virtual. 

Little started his high school classes today. He only has two, and he only has to go to the high school building one morning per week, with auto tech two afternoons per week. Everything else will be online. I recently read an article that suggested that the shutdown hasn't been as detrimental to kids as expected, and I can see this with Little. He didn't need to be in school all day every day all week long, and I think that much time trapped in that space stressed him out, even when his afternoons were spent at VoTech. I suspect a lot of that time was unnecessary, and he's plenty capable of keeping himself busy, working at the cafe, tinkering with his car, adventuring with his bestie, hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, and socializing with people of all ages at car meets. I think this hybrid school schedule will actually be good for him this fall. 

The Eldest still seems to be faring the best out of the group. Since he moved upstairs to a much bigger apartment, with a cool girl roommate, he has lost about 40 lbs, he quit smoking, and he seems much happier and less anxious. He seems to enjoy doing his job from home, and that is the plan for the foreseeable future. He is still riled up about the political situation, but aren't we all?  At least this time around, we're pretty much on the same team and can bond over our outrage. 

Savageman and I have been hanging out and watching TV as usual in the evenings, which is always a nice way to wind down. He has been buying and selling watches online, which is his new obsession. It's good for him to have a thing, just like I used to have a thing..... I suppose I could still have a thing - there are plenty of instructional videos to nerd over and if the cases don't blow up this fall with the opening of school and the onset of cold and flu season, maybe my pal will want to start rolling again in the mornings. If not, there's always math.