Flashback to two years ago. My husband is watching the Indy 500, my kids are off doing Memorial Day weekend things like hitting the pool and ArtsFest, and I'm trying to get myself psyched up to write a paper for a black belt test. And not doing too well.
I was totally chill about this whole thing up until Friday night. Falling asleep typically takes me about 30 seconds, but Friday night, my mind started going about the test. As of right now, there will only be 3 of us, and I am the senior student in the group. One is a 19 year old boy and the other is one of my close friends who is in his 50s but also very strong, especially since adding CrossFit to his regimen this year. Neither of them has had close to the number of classes or outside training as I have, but I'm not convinced that all that extra work will make any difference at all when I'm faced with breaking a board or throwing someone twice my size.
These were the thoughts that had me lying awake Friday night. I've had a low level anxiety thing happening ever since.
I have 2 weeks and 6 days now to prepare.... and I'd like another 4 weeks, preferably without any broken digits this time. The toe has just barely healed enough to not need to be taped, but if I bump it, say on a shoe someone left lying in the middle of the floor.... it hurts. A lot.
People have been reminiscing about their own black belt tests, and I'm hearing all of the horror stories of puking and injuries. With only 3 of us testing, there is a good chance I'll be dealing more with the heavy hitters than I did in my 1st dan test when there were 15 of us. This was the test I wanted last time, the one I felt prepared for. Now I'm getting the small test I wanted, but I'm not going to be as prepared. And that's just hitting me now.
Ryron Gracie was asked a few days before Metamoris 6 if he would be willing to fight a bigger, stronger guy and he readily accepted the challenge. His mindset was that a true martial artist should be confident enough in his technique that he can be ready at a moment's notice, without the need for any special preparation. I've known people who have approached their Dan promotions the same way, and I wanted to have that same confidence going into this one. The Ryron mindset was working well for me until Friday, but this weekend, I'm not so sure. I work hard, but I'm no Ryron Gracie.
So today, I'm restless. I want to channel the nerves into some productive effort, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, not really knowing where to best direct my efforts, and feeling reluctant to ask for help. The guru's guru mentioned the possibility of getting together this week, and that would be great, but I don't know how much difference one session is going to make. I need to drill, drill, drill and not all of it is stuff I can drill by myself. Hapkido, fighting techniques, judo, sparring and grappling all require partners. Middle let me do some judo fits on him for a bit today, and I've got BJJ open mat this evening. Maybe I'll go in and do weapon forms afterward.
Hoping I'll get this anxiety out of my system this weekend and get back to my normal training routine / mindset quickly.