Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Two Weeks

... and the thumb is still puffy. It's feeling better enough that I'm tempted to take chances with it, but I've still got several more weeks of healing to go. So for classes, and most of life, actually, I've been continuing to splint and modify.  No burpees, limited spin kicks, limited throws and falls. No sparring or free rolling. Also, no turning the car ignition or brushing my teeth the normal way.

My motivation hasn't been great to begin with this winter, and due to this latest development, the lure of curling up with the cat and watching Netflix instead of doing any form of exercise has been powerful. I've been forcing myself to go to JSD - half the time because I don't want to bail on my cardio partner or other people who are expecting me to be there - and while I haven't once regretted going, I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I need to be.  I'm not working up much of a sweat, and I'm sure my brain is not producing the usual cocktail of good stuff my brain usually produces when I work out.  Serotonin.  Dopamine.  Norepinephrine. These are the things that make me continue to show up every day, month after month.

Lately, I'm kinda blah about it all. The more blah I feel, the less I push myself... and the more blah I feel. It's a vicious cycle I'm continuously trying to break lately.

Tonight I dragged my butt to do an hour each of BJJ and Judo instead of my usual Wednesday cardio kickboxing and JSD classes.  What I really wanted to do was stay home. The last thing I wanted was to go out and be social. Or try new things, Or feel sucky and incompetent.  And while the people at the BJJ/Judo school have been wonderful and welcoming, I'm still a new person there and a white belt.  It's a huge step out of my comfort zone, at a time when all I want to do is curl into a ball and be... comfortable.

But I did it, and of course it was fine and I was happy I went.  The thumb was safe and comfortable in its little plastic splint, and I forgot about it and did all of both classes without holding back or modifying.  Finding a partner to work with wasn't awkward or difficult - they found me - and I was so focused on learning new stuff, the time flew by.  I actually broke a sweat, and I got to throw people and wrestle with them - all stuff I like, and I didn't have to be fantastic at any of it because I'm a white belt.

Sometimes, it's really nice to be a white belt.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be back in my black uniform, in my familiar dojang, plugging away at the same skills I've been trying to perfect for almost 6 years now.  Feeling like I should be farther along in that process than I am, especially when people expect me to have particular knowledge or skills or wisdom, having been promoted almost two years ago.  I feel like I know a lot of stuff, while at the same time, I feel like I don't really know much of anything.

Sometimes, it's really frustrating to be a black belt.

And it's frustrating to be injured.

I'm hoping that the change in routine tonight will help jolt me back into something resembling motivation. I'm sure I'll have more to say on the topic, but for now, I'm glad I forced myself out of the house.

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