Jiu-Jitsu Saved My Life

... but running saved my jiu-jitsu.

I recently hit rock bottom with regard to the injury, the lack of exercise and the comorbid irritability, anxiety, lack of motivation, and general sulkiness.  I spent a lot of time hiding in the hot tub, and found myself trying not to cry at PT.  I'm not a person who cries.

I told my Assistant PT Person that I couldn't handle not training for much longer.  A former Hardcore Ballerina, she understood and encouraged me to be patient, said that waiting and doing it right will pay off, yada yada.  I told her that I had started running and it had felt good (although I was now dealing with the excruciating calf muscles that always come after I start back up).  She said we'd add running to my PT protocol, showed me the treadmill, and helped me stretch my calves.

So, starting with the 3 sessions I had last week, we changed things a bit.  PT now begins with heat and electric stim, 10 minutes on the "arm bicycle" and a 12 minute mile on the treadmill.  When I'm done with that, my endogenous opiates are flowing.  From there, I move on to about an hour of foam roller exercises on the table and standing exercises using the wall.  We finish with a (way too brief) session of deep tissue massage and they tape my shoulder in place so that it can't come forward.  My posture has never looked this good.

On the days I don't have PT, I run in the neighborhood.  I still run in Vibrams, as it's most like being barefoot at martial arts.  I don't think I own a pair of sneakers or running shoes, and that's fine with me.  My Vibrams have served me well.  I also have the same playlist on my iPod that I've used for years, carefully selected so that the cadence of the songs match my preferred footfalls. On the treadmill, I stick to the same pace for the same distance each time.  In the neighborhood, I pick one of 3 different routes: a 1.1, a 1.7, or a 2.1 mile loop. (Usually the 1.7) At the height of my running enthusiasm, I did take the 2.1 loop twice in a row, but that's pushing it for me.  I'm happy with 3 miles or less, in my same shoes, listening to my same music.  I'm not especially flexible when it comes to my running habits.

By the end of the week, I was starting to feel human again.  I showed up at a few JSD and BJJ classes, and watched and helped and taught.  Saturday was the color belt test at JSD and I participated in that, sparring my heart out and loving every second.  I still ran my 1.7 loop that evening.  Sunday, I took women's class at BJJ, then went back in to work with the Guru for another hour as he was home for the day.

Today, I went back to PT with renewed optimism and found that I was stronger, had less pain, and could do things I couldn't do last week.  This was the first glimmer of improvement I've felt since starting the process, and it motivated me to push myself for more.  Combined with the adjustments I got from the Guru yesterday, I have some goals for my next few weeks of BJJ, and I'm looking forward to getting back to JSD as well.

Speaking of JSD - in his post-test comments to the testing students and our school as a whole, the Master singled out for praise the students who were cross-training in fighting styles - there are two of us who also do BJJ now.  He said that training in a practical fighting style was making us better, more well-rounded martial artists.  It's a position I have long held, but it was so gratifying to hear it publicly acknowledged by the Master a year and half into my BJJ / Judo training.  Feeling like there is still a place for me at JSD and that my individual path is understood and supported has me looking forward to spending more time there, helping out where I can.

Today (and really, the whole weekend) has been, hopefully, a turning point.  I've got some good momentum finally going and I intend to build upon it.  Tomorrow will be full of opportunities - the plan is JSD in the morning, then PT, then teaching both kids and women's self-defense classes in the absence of my GirlCoach.  If I get a chance, I will try grab someone and try a few of my newly adjusted moves.

It's all good.

End of Summer / It Sucks to be Broken

First of all, I've had a lovely summer.

Savageman is once again employed, but we had a good 5 months of downtime together while he was in the process of making the change.  Although I was working part-time myself, (still doing neuropsych evals), and of course training, training, training, we had some genuine quality time together to reconnect and refocus, which was really nice.  He started doing yoga at my BJJ school, then added some classes at the Y as well, and I joined him, so we were even able to train at something together.  We did some good house and yard projects, and just enjoyed each other's company for a while.  Very grateful for so much quality time.

The boys were all around for summer vacation, all happy and doing their individual activities and jobs.  Two weeks ago, Middle and Not-So-Little headed off to 12th and 8th grade, and the same week the Eldest and Savageman started their new jobs.  I went from having everyone home to being alone with the pets in the house on the days I'm not working or training.  Soooooo quiet.

We had a nice week with my parents in NC last month, which was lovely as always.  The Eldest brought his Beloved, who we enjoy very much, and we all had a good time at the beach and enjoying the house and the pool and the hot tub.  Emphasis on the hot tub.

It is no exaggeration to say I spent the majority of my waking hours in the hot tub, reading Game of Thrones and letting the jets drill into my derpy shoulder, which has become increasingly derpy over the last 6 months or so. What started out as a minor annoyance I noticed last November ("Hmmm, it hurts to pull my shirt over my head... oh well, it will go away") has turned into The Thing That Will NOT Go Away, despite months of simply ignoring it, popping a few Aleve, slapping on an ice pack or electric stim and going on with my life.  This usually works, and I generally have a high tolerance for these periodic injuries.  But this has gone way beyond the limit for a minor annoyance.  I'm guessing something in the rotator cuff region of my right shoulder has been torn or badly injured and is not getting better.  Although the hot tub certainly helped more than anything else had.

I went to the doctor when I got back, and he sent me to PT, where I am now spending several hours, 3 days per week, relearning how to use my shoulder muscles, which are officially F**ked Up. To fix this, of course they have to work on my back and my posture, and not just the weak arm.  Going through my regimen of back and shoulder exercises, I was surprised at how resentful I felt toward the process, the friendly staff, the situation in general.  Not at all my usual positive self, more like a demoralized teenager being forced to do PT for posture issues against her will. Oh wait....

Having acknowledged the understandable resistance from the still-deeply-wounded-girl-within, I'm doing my best to embrace the process, realizing that in the long run, I'm better off addressing and fixing the problems and strengthening the weak places that probably resulted in the injury in the first place. I've had to back off on the intensity of the training so that I don't do more damage while we're straightening it all out. Hopefully, this will work and I won't need surgery, which is looming out there as Plan B. I'm doing my best to nurture the Surly Girl within, being kind and understanding with her and treating her with things she likes.

One of these things is time to relax and read in the hot tub.  I recently acquired a hand-me-down from the Guru - it is my new favorite place to hide out with my book and my phone and a beverage.  I've created a nice area for it next to our backyard patio and it has been simply lovely to soak and read and heal surrounded by the birds and crickets and flowers and sunshine.  I'm on the second book in the Game of Thrones series - the first fiction I've read in years - and it's an enjoyable diversion. Watching parts of the TV series with the Guru has been fun as well - we've broken up the training this summer with that (and some other, more comedic video entertainment) while healing from our respective injuries and hardships of life. Grateful as always for his time and friendship, both of which have been plentiful this spring and summer.

Injuries aside, we've covered a lot of ground BJJ-wise, and he's been an invaluable asset to me as I've been given so much more teaching responsibility at BJJ this summer. I'm now filling in when needed for the GirlCoach, teaching the women's sport BJJ class and self-defense classes.  Although I've been assisting with children's classes since I was a white belt, this summer I've had a few opportunities to actually run children's class.  At a time when my own BJJ performance is kind of sucky, (blaming the injury because I can), it's reassuring to know that my coaches still find me valuable as an instructor, if not a fierce competitor.

I did compete at the Keystone State Games in July.  It was a last-minute decision, when a teammate found herself in a bracket of much bigger, younger opponents, I jumped in so she could have a fair shot at winning.  Which she did - she beat me 2-0. It was okay, though - she got gold, I got silver, and we both had a good experience and no injuries.  It reminded me that I still have much to learn, though, and I've been trying to get my head back in the game.

Priority One is to fix my arm.  There is a lot I can't do, or I've been doing badly because I'm so weak on that side now.  My PT has expressed an interest in learning more about both BJJ and kickboxing so that he will know what kinds of motions I need to do and can help me do them correctly.  I think that's pretty cool of him.  Priority Two is to get my butt back into class, even if I'm not rolling live, so I can at least stay on top of the techniques and keep to my regular routine.  Last week I blew off multiple classes at both schools and then wound up running 1.7 miles yesterday just to get my blood pumping.  One can only lounge in the hot tub so many hours.  Priority Three is to get back to learning outside of class again.  August was the first month that I did very little reading, watching instructional videos, or technique nerding with the Guru, and I need to get back to these things.

So I have a plan - we'll see if I can get the momentum going again this fall.  In the meantime, sleep....

Elation

So, having said all of that regarding the benefits of staying consistent and fully immersed in my training, I hardly trained at all last week.

I didn't actually mean to - it just kind of worked out that way.  There was a seminar and promotion ceremony Sunday (Little got his yellow belt in kids' BJJ, 3 friends were promoted to black belt, and one of them proposed to his girlfriend and the video went viral on the internet - but not a lot of free rolling happened), I did kickboxing Monday, but missed Tuesday morning JSD, only taught at BJJ Tuesday night, had JSD picture day on Wednesday, missed Thursday morning JSD and taught my last childbirth class Thursday night.

By Thursday afternoon, I was tense, irritable, anxious, feeling like I was on the tipping point of something awful.  Kind of like the way I used to feel every day before I started martial arts.

It was a familiar feeling, but extremely unpleasant.  I wanted it to end, but I didn't feel motivated to do anything about it.  Simply going for a run might have made a major improvement, but I couldn't even get myself to do that.  I hunkered down and waited for Friday night open mat, and pushed through the resistance to go, accepting that it would feel clunky after being away all week, but realizing there was no way around it.

My rolling itself wasn't amazing Friday night, but I came home happy again.  Smiling, joking, pleasant to my family, feeling like my normal self.  I can see why everyone is so supportive of me training so much - what a difference in my personality before vs. after!  I went back for yoga / no gi Saturday morning, did Sunday morning open mat, taught women's class again Sunday afternoon, watched judo (arm is still healing) and was on fire again Sunday afternoon at open mat.

This week, I have been careful not to miss any classes, and the consistency has paid off.  Last night, rolling felt absolutely amazing. I was tapping people I don't normally tap, spending much more time in dominant positions, and feeling strong and confident in general.  I came home feeling, not just the lack of tension and crankiness, but full-blown elation from my head to my toes.  I was vibrating with happiness, overloaded with every positive brain chemical there is.  "The whole world is amazing!" I kept telling Savageman, who, without benefit of an incredible night at jiu-jitsu himself, just rolled his eyes.  "I wish you could feel what I'm feeling right now.  I love everything!"

Experiencing such a dramatic change in my emotional well-being makes me wonder if the human species in general needs to have this level of regular - not just exercise - but combat to feel normal and healthy and happy.  There's really nothing quite like it and I am so, so, so grateful for it.

Immersion

Immersion:

Complete involvement in some activity or interest

-Merriam-Webster

So it has been for the last several weekends for me in BJJ.

Several truths have emerged.

First of all, it's been an eventful month.  Savageman is home, looking for a new job. My own work responsibilities have doubled, and I've begun the process of obtaining a license to do actual psychotherapy with patients instead of just giving them tests. The Eldest has once again moved back home.  Middle and Little are wrapping up 11th and 7th grade, respectively.

Financial and parenting stress aside, I am blissfully happy.  I'm enjoying all the extra time I have with Savageman, who has been absolutely wonderful to have around, I'm enjoying my time seeing clients at work, and am grateful for the encouragement and support of my employer and officemates regarding moving forward with my career.

And of course... there is BJJ.  These last few weeks in particular, I've been immersed from Friday through Monday morning, in addition to my regular balance of BJJ/Judo and JSD classes during the week.  These last several weekends have consisted of 2 hours of Friday night free rolling, Saturday morning yoga plus 2 hours of no-gi class, then 4-5 hours of technique nerding at the Guru's house.  Sundays have begun with 2 hours of free rolling, a break, then 90 minutes of women's class, an hour of judo, and 90 more minutes of free rolling.  Finally, a couple of hours of training super early Monday morning before I start work and he drives 2 hours back to school.  (Especially nice of him, since I know he values his morning sleep.)

I'm insanely grateful for all the extra guidance and instruction, and it's made a huge difference. This month, I was asked to teach 2 of the women's sport jiu-jitsu classes and one women's self-defense class while my GirlCoach was out of town.  Although I've been helping with children's class for about a year now, this was the first time I've been given creative control over an adult class, and I was happy to have had the chance to plan and prepare both weeks with the Guru's help. I covered arm triangles in the first and gift-wrap/back take in the second, but each technique was preceded by several drills we worked out that illustrate the different positions and elements essential to those techniques - a teaching method I will be sure to employ from this point on.

Another lesson from these last few weeks - I do much better when I am consistent with my training. From Monday through Thursday, I have been doing very little free rolling.  Monday and/or Wednesday evenings I'm at kickboxing and JSD, Tuesday I'm at BJJ, but just teaching kids and women's self defense, and Thursday is childbirth class (although this is my last week teaching that.)  After 4 days of little to no free rolling, I come to open mat Friday feeling awkward and foggy.  The best way to explain it is to liken it to performing a piece of music. I might know the piece, but I'm making mistakes, forgetting things, losing my place, and it's choppy and clunky and not particularly satisfying. As the weekend has progressed, I feel my fluidity coming back, and by the second open mat on Sunday, everything begins to open up and it feels smooth and natural and comfortable again.  This is the gratifying part, and the fact that it's only there some of the time makes it all the more addictive for me.
 


That's a flow drill, and not me, obviously, but it's fun to watch for the kind of fluid motion and seamless transitions I'm seeking in my own rolling. Even just adding a small amount of flow rolling to my mid-week seems to keep me on track, so I'm going to be more aware of that moving forward.  Grabbing a few rolls before or after teaching on Tuesdays, meeting the GirlCoach on her lunch hour on days I'm done with work in time, getting back in Thursdays - it will all help.

The other important lesson emphasized recently is the need to get out of my head when I'm rolling.  "You think too much," says the Guru, as I'm sure he's been telling me for 4 years now about one thing or another, but he's right. I'm pretty sure he gets it, being a thinker himself, but the key is to know when to use it and when to shut it off.  Thinking is for learning and drilling, but when it's time to roll, much of that needs to shut down.  In the week before I was promoted to blue, he joked that I needed to throw back a few shots before I roll - which would be a bad idea on so many levels - but I got his point - the part of my brain that houses the politeness and inhibitions and self-evaluation needs to switch off for me to roll with confidence. Visualizing that mindset definitely made me more aggressive, more likely to take risks, and less concerned about how I was being viewed by my partner - with extremely satisfying results (and some surprised feedback from my regular partners).  I can't be completely sure if the change in my performance that week made an impression on my coaches or not, but in my own mind, it was this leap forward that got me promoted to blue the following weekend. The important thing is that I don't forget it.  When I realize I'm too much in my head, I say so, and try to find the off switch.

In the same vein, I need to keep my ego out of things and continue to take risks, make mistakes, allow myself to get in bad positions or get tapped, even though I'm now a blue belt.  One of the pitfalls to avoid is to play it safe at blue because you feel you shouldn't be getting tapped out by white belts, but I'm constantly reminding myself to forget the belt.  The white belts I roll with are usually bigger and stronger than I am, most of them are not complete newbies and have a good amount of competence and technique as well, and if I start playing it safe and only doing the things that are comfortable, I will never grow.  BJJ puts you in the position in which you deserve to be - if I'm trapped on bottom, it's because I've allowed myself to be put there, and I have to own that and work the problem.  If I'm dominating, I've earned it, usually with technique and not brute force.  Perfecting the technique takes loads of experimentation, and that's not going to happen without continuing to force myself outside my comfort zone.

So yeah.  Lessons learned, immersion enjoyed.  Thrilled to have had so much time so far this month with my favorite coach and grateful to Savageman and the boys for being so supportive with regard to all the extra training. I think they like to see me blissfully happy, and I've made an effort to show my appreciation and gratitude.  

Life is very, very good.

This Kid

Yes, that's little on top of the podium, at a jiu jitsu tournament sometime last year.  Not so little anymore, he's 13 and in 7th grade now.  He's been taking judo and jiu jitsu for a year and a half now.

His approach is a bit different than my own.  If I put a video on for us to watch together, his eyes stay on the screen in his hand.  If he sneaks a peek at what I'm watching, he doesn't let on, even if it's something super cool that he could use on his teammates or in his next tournament. If I ask him to drill a technique with me, he runs away, or pretends to bite me or do some other silly thing, so I've learned not to ask.

So imagine my delight when I returned home from teaching childbirth tonight and asked him how class was - and was met with, "It was awesome - take your glasses off and go turtle up on the floor!"

He moved the furniture, clearing a big space in the family room and attacked my turtle, rolling me into a wicked anaconda choke.  Then he had me do it to him,  We went back and forth a few times, playing with the angle to make it tighter, comparing and contrasting with a similar technique, working out the details.

After a week of frustrations over forgotten homework, his desire to quit trumpet, and his general lackadaisical attitude toward anything requiring effort, it was a joy to play with him on the floor and appreciate something he had learned and learned well tonight at class.

Grateful tonight for the bonding opportunity, and for this sport that has given him such confidence at this crucial stage of development.

Blue

Well.

I must admit, this came as a surprise.

Yes, Earn My Blue Belt in Jiu Jitsu was on my list of goals to hopefully accomplish sometime in 2016.  And yes, I had met the minimal attendance requirement for my next promotion, although for my 4th stripe, I had tripled the attendance requirement before I actually received said stripe.  There was no reason for me to think that this promotion would be any different - if anything, I figured it would take even longer going from white to blue.

But at the conclusion of the seminar at the school today, we lined up and began belt promotions.  Our black belt coach described the rank of blue belt as "knowing the basics of jiu jitsu and being able to use this knowledge while in the course of free-rolling." One by one, he called up a couple of guys who were already there when I started training, and girl who had been training for many years and had just turned 16.  I was excited for them, and cheered them as they ran along the line, slapping hands with everyone.

And then my name was called.

I was stunned - just 3 days ago, the Guru's Guru had asked me when I might receive my blue belt and I had said, "Hopefully sometime this year; we'll see." Now it was being tied around my waist, and my beloved white belt with 4 stripes was tied in a knot (to hold the knowledge in).  Each of my instructors gave the knot a tug, hugged and congratulated me, and then I dashed away, slapping my teammates' outstretched hands.  I found my place in line with the other blue belts, my knotted white belt dangling from my hand, never to be worn again.

After the other belts were awarded and we bowed out, there were fist-bumps and hugs and congratulations all around.  My head was still spinning. In the changing room, I quickly asked a friend to snap a picture with my phone so I could tell my family and of course the Guru, who had just spent three days working with me and whose hours of patient attention had shoved me off the plateau I'd been on for months.  He congratulated me and told me our next lesson would cover ankle and wrist locks.

This was a good thing, because when I stepped back onto the mat as a blue belt for open rolling, the first thing the higher belts wanted to do was attack my legs and ankles.  White belts are not allowed those trickier submissions, nor are they expected to have to defend against them.  Now they were all fair game.  Just as I was becoming comfortable at recognizing when my arms and neck were in jeopardy, now I had to keep track of danger to my knees and ankles as well. Rolling suddenly required a whole new level of awareness.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining.  I'm thrilled to have received this vote of confidence from my coaches, and I'm determined to live up to the challenges of this new rank.  And despite the fact that it happened much sooner than I had expected, I am very glad that it came when I was on the "up" part of the up-and-down cycle I've grown accustomed to in the pursuit of jiu jitsu excellence.  The ups don't come as often as the downs, nor do they last as long, but they feel wonderful when they happen, and I was on a serious up going into today's seminar.  I felt more confident, more aggressive, and more powerful this week than I have probably ever felt in my life, and rolling, especially Friday, was absolute bliss.  So in that respect, the timing couldn't have been better.

It was a special day, and it wouldn't have been complete without a picture with my amazing coaches, who have supported and encouraged and pushed me for the last fifteen months in one of the most difficult - and most rewarding - pursuits of my life.

2016 Tournaments

Competing in martial arts was never something that interested me.

I enjoyed traveling with the competition team, watching Middle and his friends kick and punch and do artistic things with their bodies and weapons.  I was happy to see them win trophies and celebrate their victories. That's all it was for me - a fun way to keep the kids interested and engaged and a boost to their self-confidence performing for others and doing well.

Then I began jiu-jitsu.

The pressure encouragement to compete is real for both adults and kids. In jiu jitsu, performance in a tournament can be a very useful diagnostic tool.  It's one thing to test yourself against your regular friends and teammates with no one watching and evaluating, where points don't matter and everything is friendly.  In a tournament, you may or may not know your opponent, people are watching and likely videotaping, the adrenaline is flowing, and you are going to bring your very best game to test in as close to a real combat situation as you can safely get.

For a year, I had been traveling to tournaments, cheering on Little and his teammates, kids and adults alike.  Some of the adults have been our friends for years - Teen Ninja Gurl, my Morning Workout Buddy, and the Guru. All three are fantastic and very exciting to watch in a tournament.  So I've been an avid spectator, traveling to Philly, Baltimore, and DC, enjoying it all from the sidelines, even after I had begun training as well.

The fact that there are rarely any women my age, rank and weight class took a lot of the pressure off.  No one could blame me for not wanting to compete in a bracket that wouldn't be appropriate for me.  But when the in-house tournament was announced - to be held at the school, just so that we could experience what it's like to compete in an actual tournament with brackets and medals, I was told there should be some women in at least my rank and weight class.  I agreed to do it.

I was nervous - this was certainly something well outside my comfort zone, but then getting out of my comfort zone was kind of the point of this whole pursuit in the first place.  I saw the bracket - 3 25 year old women and me, thankfully all white belts at about 125 lbs. One was from our school, two from Maryland.

Long story short, I had three very even matches and won two of them. It was a double elimination tournament.  I took first place and went home with a gold medal.

It was a satisfying experience, and I wouldn't be averse to doing it again if asked, if only to support the other women who came out to compete.  It's pretty disappointing to prepare for a tournament and travel and pay for registration, only to find that there's no one to go up against, and this is definitely a bigger problem for the women.  I also really appreciated the opportunity to test myself and my skills at this point, to help know where to direct my efforts moving forward.  I was curious, and I will likely be curious again as to where I stand.

That was February 21st.  Much to my surprise, less than a month later, my coach (who has been dabbling with Taekwondo on the side) asked me to do a karate tournament with him.

I laughed.  Karate tournaments are for kids, not grownups.  I've never done one, and never intended to do one, especially now.  But his Taekwondo instructor was making it a requirement, and he didn't want to do it alone.  Somehow he used the Jedi Mind Trick on me and I agreed, just this once, to do a karate tournament, the same kind that I used to truck the kids to for years and years.  No one would have to know - we'd go and do this and fulfill his requirement.

Then I found out that a big group of kids from my own school was going (although not The Master himself).  Now I had to actually prepare and do well. I spent a few days practicing Koryo and modifying my third bo staff form, and I did some point sparring the night before.

Long story short, I did well.  There were no adult women (big surprise) so I went up against the older grandmaster men. I competed in weapons, open hand forms, and sparring and got 2nd, 3rd, and 1st respectively.

This, however, I would not likely do again. Taking home these nice trophies made me smile, and I was glad that the years of perfecting my stances and power and snap had enabled me to hold my own against the grandmasters.  But in this realm, I'm not looking to prove anything.  The experience of competing will undoubtedly add to my skills as an instructor and mentor, but once was enough.

So there you have it.  Two tournaments this winter / spring, which went very nicely.  I waited for some time to actually write about them, but I felt I would be remiss if I left them out of a blog that has become almost exclusively about my martial arts journey.  There's a corner of my room that now houses three trophies and a medal, in addition to my collection of belts.  (I was promoted from yellow to orange belt in judo the same day as the karate tournament, so my yellow belt joined with the trophies.)  At some point, I'll hang everything up and make it all look nice.  The hard work really does pay off, and that part of competing certainly was gratifying.

One Year (almost)

I started officially training in Judo and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu last January.

I'm not sure of the exact date, and I had received a more than adequate introduction to it from my friends long before I made it official, so I'm saying it's been "about a year."  One training buddy in particular was drilling his own material with me on a regular basis for months before, although I won't pretend I understood much of what he was doing to me, only that it was awesome and the skills I had learned in many intense years of JSD training were useless against him once we were on the ground.

I still do JSD, but roughly 4 days per week, I'm doing this now:

It's sweaty.  It's gross.  It's difficult and often painful.  It requires all of my physical and mental effort, and I leave feeling absolutely exhausted.

It's also the most fun I've ever had on a regular basis.  And it's very, very addictive.

This last year, I've trained there at least 150 hours. But between those hours actually spent in the school, on the mats, I've watched countless videos, read countless books and articles, spent countless hours with the guru and other friends discussing or drilling outside of class.  And despite all of that learning, all of that work, I still feel like I've only begun to scratch the surface of all there is to learn and master.

It's easy to see why it takes an average of 10-12 years to get a black belt in BJJ.

With one of those years behind me now, and 3 stripes on my belt, I feel like I know enough to comfortably introduce a new student to a few important concepts or moves, but I wouldn't venture beyond that.  And when I learn something new in a class or seminar, it still takes a ridiculous amount of repetition (and writing it down in my notebook) for me to retain it, let alone remember the steps and use it when free-rolling.

I've been at this long enough to develop a few habits when free-rolling, which are hopefully good habits, but will no doubt change as I learn more and expand my repertoire.  Right now, my top game consists of getting to side control or kesa gatame, going for an armbar or to mount, and then an arm triangle choke.  My bottom game is about defense and survival.  If I can get my partner in my guard, I wrap an arm, grab the opposite lapel and go for a choke or armbar.  I've given up on the triangle choke for now - it wasn't working and I just wound up getting passed.  I'll revisit it when I'm better. I've experimented with a few sweeps, but they're still clumsy and I haven't mastered the timing of them.  I'm starting to work on standing guard passes, but again, they are clumsy and ill-timed.

It all needs work, and I'm not especially patient with myself, but when I line up now, I'm in the middle of the pack, and I know I'm improving when I roll with a newer person, especially if we're close to the same size.  Of course, just about no one there IS my same size.  I'm 123 pounds, and the biggest compliment I get there right now is, "Wow, you feel really heavy tonight!" When I roll with one of the prepubescent kids and can toss him around without a care, even with his full weight on me, I know what it feels like for 90% of the adults who roll with me.  I've resigned myself to the fact that, just like at JSD, I have to work 10x harder to get the same results.  At BJJ, to make up for the fact that I am smaller and weaker, I need to be that much more technical.  I have to know it, and know it well, because I can't rely on size, muscle or athleticism.

Fortunately, I have coaches, including my wonderful GirlCoach, who understand this and are incredibly supportive and encouraging.  And there are several others (in addition to the Girl Coach) who are smaller than their usual training partners but who hold their own nonetheless. These are the people who inspire me because they show me what technique can accomplish against bigger and stronger opponents.

I still feel like a newbie, but in many ways, I've come so far in the last year.  Glad I decided to take the plunge a year ago and commit to this new challenge.  It's already changed me in so many ways, and introduced me to so many wonderful people.  I'm looking forward to the coming year.

It's December...

... and as always, I'm in Christmas Denial.

The fact that it's been in the mid 60s doesn't really help, although I did take advantage of the lovely weather and plan to get a tree and put some outdoor lights on and around the house while it's still warm.

Some people go nuts over Christmas and really enjoy all the decorating and baking and shopping.  I (and I suspect Savageman as well) find it all a bit overwhelming.  I can do it in a super-intensive burst of cleaning/decorating/shopping frenzy for a day or two, but it's not sustainable over a longer period than that.  And I'm already juggling about all I can comfortably juggle, without giving up my decompression time.

I'm a creature of habit.  I get up at 6:40, get the kids off to school, have my coffee, do a little bit of necessary house stuff, and then I'm off to work or karate.  I come home in the afternoon, do a little more house / cooking stuff and take a quick power nap right before the kids arrive home from school.  I chase Little down to get his homework done. We pack up and head to BJJ/Judo, where I either stay and train, or drop Little off and head to JSD to train there.  After an hour or two of martial arts, it's home, food, watch an episode of something on Netflix and see the boys off to bed.  Savageman and I watch another episode of something while the laundry is running and go to bed ourselves, usually around 12:30.  After a measly 6 hours of sleep, I get up and do the whole thing again.

Fitting anything extra in there requires either 1) time on the weekend or 2) a day (like today) I'm not scheduled to work.  Lately, work has been plentiful. Sundays are my one day to sleep in, do some larger housework, and then I take off for two and a half hours of Judo / BJJ, do the grocery shopping for the week, and have dinner with my parents, followed by a final homework check and bedtime routine.  Yesterday, I added a morning open mat, and went for a run.

Today I finally have a day off, but I'm still hanging around the house.  I have a Crazy Person Eye Twitch which is driving me nuts.  It's been years since this has happened, and I wonder if it has to do with all the extra exercise yesterday, or maybe my neck needs to be adjusted, or I'm tired, or dehydrated.... in any case, it's making me cranky and not interested in shopping, which is already just about my least favorite thing.  I'm on the couch, drinking coffee, blogging, mainlining Gracie Breakdowns on YouTube, and researching Eye Twitch remedies.  The one thing the Interwebs seem to agree on is "Cut Back on Caffeine." Did I mention I'm drinking coffee?
Fuck.

I know I need to clean, decorate, shop.  My mother stopped by this morning and, as always at this time of year, she's a tornado of Christmas Prep Energy.  In my head, my eyes are squeezed shut, my fingers are in my ears and I'm chanting LALALALALALALALALALA at the mention of Christmas.  Maybe my fierce denial is manifesting itself in the form of my Crazy Person Eye Twitch.  In any case, my one day this week to get shit done is quickly slipping away.

Sigh... let's face it.  I don't Girl well.  I can't even shop for myself, let alone other people.  Savageman is the brilliant gift giver, the one who sees a shopping trip as a magnificent treasure hunt, who returns triumphant with wonderful finds that are both practical and creative.  And he's been working 10 hour days, plus going to the gym 6 days / week.

Meh, I need to go do this.  The kids will be home from school soon.

Twitch.  Twitchtwich....

Cool BJJ Stuff: Triple Threat

We've been working on this for the last few weeks at BJJ.  It's fun, and it gives a taste of both the simplicity, and the complexity of what this art has to offer. Having so many tools in my collection is a challenge when quick decisions are not my strongest skill, but it's training me to think faster and giving me an opportunity to experiment and learn in real time with a resisting partner.

The Gratitude Post

So, it's Thanksgiving Weekend and I've let my NaBloPoMo goal of writing every day slip, but I would be remiss if I didn't at least include a Gratitude Post to honor the season.

So here we go.

First is, of course, my home and family.  Never boring, especially now that our Eldest (I can't call him the Teen since he's 20 now) has decided college wasn't for him and has (sort of) moved back home.  But he's employed and generally happy and in the process of figuring out who he is and what he'd like to do with his life, so I'm grateful for progress in this direction.  Middle is as driven as ever, in his Junior year, taking the Smart Kid classes and kicking butt at them while also juggling Rugby, lifting, the martial arts demo team, and busing tables at a restaurant.  He's not kidding around with the schools and majors he's investigating, and I'm hoping there will be scholarship money so we can afford whatever he chooses.  Grateful for his work ethic and the good example he's setting for Little.  Little, not so little anymore, is as tall as I am, but still easygoing and sweet and starting to get his act together at school.  He plays the trumpet (reluctantly) and spends 3-4 nights per week training in judo / jiu-jitsu.  Grateful for the special bond we've had this last year traveling to and from classes and tournaments together, and for the BJJ friends we now share.  My parents are happy and healthy and enjoying their retirement years.  We still have dinner every Sunday night with them, and they continue to help with anything we need.

And of course, there's Savageman, who is currently massaging my feet and sore calves on the couch while I write and we binge Jessica Jones on Netflix.  Grateful for peace and unity in our marriage, for enjoyable time getting ready for work together in the morning and decompressing together at the end of the day, and of course for his friendship and his support of my athletic endeavors, even when they inconvenience him. While he draws the line at allowing me to use his body for jiu-jitsu practice, he is good about listening to my stories of triumph and frustration, and tending to my aches and injuries. In the last year or two, we've come together on the larger parenting issues and have renegotiated our own expectations and boundaries with each other.  We are warm and funny and affectionate together, fiercely protective of each other, and vocal about how grateful we are for each other. This last year of marriage has reminded me of why I chose him, and continue to choose him, every day.  So, so grateful to be married to my best friend in the world.

Grateful also for meaningful work - while he's doing his development job, I'm either doing neuropsych evaluations, teaching and learning karate, or managing the household.  In the last few years, my work hours have been more regular, my position at the neuropsych practice more secure.  I enjoy my days meeting with patients, doing their evaluations, and I feel valued and appreciated there.  On my days off, as a sabumnim at the dojang, I'm grateful to be teaching and mentoring both children and adults.  I am finally enjoying the opportunity to really pay forward some of the amazing instruction I was privileged enough to have.

In the evenings, I am grateful this year to have not just one, but two places to train.  Some nights, I'm at the dojang for cardio kickboxing and bonding time with my close friend and cardio partner, other nights, I'm at BJJ / Judo, helping with kids' class, or taking a combination of BJJ / Judo adult classes or open mats.  So, so grateful for this new challenge in my life that stretches me mentally and kicks my butt physically.  Grateful as well for the mentors, coaches and training partners who have invested their time in helping me improve, and who have cheered on my progress.  Grateful for opportunities to learn outside of class from books, seminars, videos, and of course, the Guru, who once again just gave me a day of his weekend home from school.  Grateful for his friendship and all he has taught me in both JSD and BJJ over the past 3+ years. He has shown me the difference that one person can make, and his investment of time and attention in mentoring me over the years has transformed me in too many ways to count.

Grateful for my other friends as well, both new and old.  Quality over quantity has been key this year, as I've needed to be more selective with regard to where I direct my limited time and energy. Knowing when to simply walk away from the ones who thrive on drama and negativity and focus on the ones who cheer and encourage and celebrate each others' progress is a lesson that continues to present itself, but each time I make a decision to step back from a person or situation that distracts me from my own goals and emotional well-being, it is easier to do. Very grateful for the amazing and diverse assortment of friends with whom I connect on a daily or weekly basis who are upbeat and determined in the face of challenges and who inspire the same in me.  The competitive nature of BJJ breeds this attitude, it seems.  Getting your butt kicked day in and day out as a white belt for 1-2 years is extraordinarily humbling, and those who persevere through this and respond by learning more and training harder survive, while the others wash out early.  What you're left with is a culture of people who thrive on patiently working to overcome challenges and who encourage those around them to do the same.  BJJ is as honest a sport as you can ever find.  There's no faking it, no relying on your teammates, it's just you and your opponent fighting to the point of tap, snap or nap.  You win, or you learn.  It's that simple. Grateful for the opportunity to train in such brutal honesty, for the genuinely positive people it has brought into my life, and for that same spirit in the other friends with whom I have surrounded myself.  Understanding the difference and refusing to stress myself over pleasing people who can't be pleased has made such a change in the quality of my life.

I am also grateful for a healthy body and quality food to eat.  It has been almost 3 years since I have gone gluten-free / Paleo and the change in my body, my mind, and my emotional health is astounding.  There is concern that the Eldest has celiac and will need to do the same. It explains a lot, about both of us. I hope he is able to make this simple, but life-altering change to his diet, if this does turn out to be the case for him.  Now that I know how good it feels, I never want to go back. Feasting on meat, poultry, fish, eggs, fruits, veggies, nuts, healthy fats (and of course dark chocolate and red wine) has given me so much pleasure, and has taught me to love my body and take its needs seriously.  I feel strong and beautiful, slim and muscular.  I enjoy seeing myself in the mirror and am insanely proud of the work I have done to build such an attractive weapon.  I love when my husband admires the results, which he does regularly. It's not about being vain or superficial; I didn't do this to impress anyone else or to look better than anyone else.  But I love what I've created, pure and simple, and the things it took to get here - martial arts and Paleo eating - are two of the most pleasurable activities in my life.  Grateful, grateful, grateful for all they have done for me.

There's more of course, but these are the main ones that came to mind today.  Grateful to have had several hours to sit and meditate on all that is good in my world in November of 2015, and for this blog where I could record it all.

Three Stripes

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, we don't test for promotions at BJJ.

Moving up in rank is determined by 3 things: amount of time spent in your current rank, number of classes in your current rank, and demonstration of improvement appropriate to justify a position in the newer rank.

The only one of these things that is easy to see is the number of classes.  My last two promotions occurred just after reaching the attendance milestones.  When I reached it this time, I will admit this was me for a few weeks:

At some point, I realized - I'm not going to get promoted just because I've been coming to a lot of classes.  Something in my game needs to change.  I decided to stop even looking at my attendance number and just get back to work.

Starting to work on my top game was a help, and learning a few new submissions was perhaps as well.  But following my coach's advice and just focusing on holding people down for as long as possible was what really made the difference, and the change I made must have been clear to him as well.  I had turned a major corner.  

So tonight, this happened.

Grateful for excellent coaching and the self-discipline this is training in me to be patient and trust the process.  I'll do my best to live up to this new rank.

Harrisburg Marathon, and also, I Suck at Jiu-Jitsu

After the long, long day yesterday, we still got up bright and early to hand out water and Gatorade at the Harrisburg Marathon.

It was a lot of fun.

Quality time with my GirlCoach and others, some laundry and house stuff done, then back to watch Little test for his yellow belt in Judo, and kick some serious ass at BJJ open mat.

Except mine was the ass that got kicked, which was sad and frustrating after the amazing night I had Friday.  Kicked all over the place.

Ugh.

I did get to roll with Little for a round or two, which was actually very fun.  He's very strong and I did all I could to defend against his armlocks and hold my position with him, but it wasn't easy.  Both trying our hardest, our match was a draw.

Spent some time with the Coach at the end of open mat, and he pointed out the moments when my weight came forward, giving him an opening to roll me.  Good to know.  He continues to emphasize the point that I need to stop learning new things and just focus on basics, basics, basics.  He's right, of course.  I've been getting ahead of myself.

Glad for some time to regroup and re-prioritize before getting back in there.

Tournament Day

Today, Little and I traveled with our coaches and teammates down to the Philly area for a submission-only BJJ tournament.

Little gets anxious about competing.  When he was dragging his feet about registering for this one, the coach said to him, "BJJ is about learning to be comfortable in uncomfortable positions.  Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself.  That's what this is about."

He agreed to compete if I didn't take pictures or video of his matches, and he agreed to both gi and no-gi divisions, even though he doesn't train no-gi and he prefers the grips that the gi affords.

He did incredibly well, taking a second-place medal in gi and a first place in no-gi, where he was matched up with a girl who was two years older and 15+ lbs heavier than him.  He stayed heavy and patient and waited for her to make a mistake, then went for an armlock and won.

Much like Middle had throughout his youth at the dojang, Little has a terrific group of peers at BJJ.  They're good kids, hard workers, and lots of fun for him.  They keep him motivated and have made this first year of his training so much fun for us both.

It was a great day overall, wrapping up with dinner out and a lot of laughs in the coaches' van on the 2 hour ride home. I'm back bright and early tomorrow morning to volunteer with the teammates, handing out water at the Harrisburg Marathon.  Then Judo / BJJ in the afternoon as always.

Good, good stuff.

Huge Leap Forward

Tonight was my first opportunity to try the approach recommended to me by my coach on Sunday.  Don't worry about submissions - just get a strong position and challenge yourself to hold it for at least a full minute.

I did that.

Wow, what a difference!

I need to first qualify that I had to first get to a dominant position - and with at least two of my partners, that never happened.  (The first of these was Teen Ninja Gurl, who was home from college for the weekend.)  If I can't get past their guard without getting submitted, the rest is useless. A problem for a different day.

With the others, I did manage to get on top - usually to side control - and I HELD it.  I attempted no submissions, other than the digging-my-shoulder-into-their-neck choke, which is pretty awful when done properly.  All I did was hold my position while they tried to get out.  I cannot begin to describe the power I felt holding down a bigger guy, a higher belt, putting the pressure on and being the one to determine the pace of the fight for a change.

I felt euphoric.

The icing on the cake was that they told me when it was over what a difference they felt - how much of a hard time I had given them, and how strong and heavy I had felt to them.

Wow.  Just wow.

When I talked afterward with the guru about the experience, he agreed that this was the way it should be, and that when I can do that, the "submissions start to scream at you."  He said that people will submit themselves if I'm patient.  I was extremely happy about all of this, and he said something I want to be sure to remember:

 "Learning martial arts should have such moments of electric enlightenment, don't you think?"

Yes, they should.

:)

Thursday Night

I've been teaching natural childbirth on Thursday nights again, which means no beginner jiu-jitsu class until after Thanksgiving.  However, childbirth doesn't start until 7, and the doors at BJJ open at 6, so I've been coming in to get a few rolls beforehand.  

Tonight, there were more than the usual number of women, so someone took a picture of the "Harrisburg Hotties" - a few of us already disheveled from 30 minutes of pre-class rolling.  I love working with these amazing women who inspire me, challenge me, and make me laugh on a regular basis.  (Our female coach is missing from the picture, but she belongs in this category as well.)

I recently read a meme that said, "It takes a doctor or lawyer less time to become a professional than it does for a jiu-jitsu practitioner to get a black belt."  This is true - it seems the average time is 10-12 years - but my initial reaction was to disagree.  After all, unlike med and law students, we only train a few hours per week.  

On the other hand.... the amount of time spent actually training is only a fraction of the amount of time we spend thinking about, reading about, talking about and watching videos about BJJ.  So, not unlike grad school, there's time spent in class, but also a vast number of hours spent outside of class that a dedicated jiu-jiteiro devotes to learning this art. (Still not med or law school hours, but you get my point.)

The hardest part for me is not having a human being on whom to practice when I'm home and the urge hits.  I have Enzo...

... but he's just not the same.  

Rocky, on the other hand, adores him.  

No family members, including the actual martial artists, want to roll with Mom.  Because that's just weird.  Savageman has long declared his body to be a no-jiu-jitsu zone.  So I read and watch and try to remember and visualize as best as I can.  It's not optimal, but it will have to do.

Today's video was on the kimura armlock.  I love this one, because it illustrates the growth process that happens when you take the experience and perspective gained through thousands of hours of live training and apply it to the development of any particular technique.  

Looking forward to when it feels that seamless and easy.  In the meantime, I'll be studying and training on and off the mats.  :) 

Teaching Kids

Tuesday is the day I assist with children's classes at both martial arts schools.

In the morning, I help The Master teach the homeschool kids' class at the Academy.  Very comfortable in my element there, I help these kids (a huge group this year - most of them brand new) learn the basics of Taekwondo and Hapkido.  Nice kids, nice families - it's a fun and easy hour spent helping and learning from The Master before the morning adult class begins.

In the evening, I assist with kids' Jiu Jitsu at the other school.  Still just learning much of these techniques myself, I pay close attention while the coach is teaching a lesson, and then work with the kids or walk around and help them as they drill the lesson we just learned.  It's an extremely good exercise for me as well, because to troubleshoot the kids' execution of the technique, I have to be acutely aware of the details and priorities as outlined by the coaches. Watching and analyzing and becoming familiar with the common mistakes others make are all ways to enhance my own learning, and this weekly commitment has been a valuable part of my training.

At both schools, being involved in the kids' program has been an important element of my own journey.  Passing along my knowledge (or at least my enthusiasm), helping to build the kids' self-confidence, and supporting them in achieving their own goals gives so much more meaning to what I'm doing than if were to merely keep it to myself.  By teaching as well as learning, I am able to pay forward the care and attention my own teachers and mentors have invested in me.

It's also really fun. :) 

Work

It may be hard to believe based on what I write here, but I actually have a job and a family in addition to my life as a martial artist.

I try not to write much about the family anymore.  The boys are almost 20, 17 and 13.  It's one thing to be a "Mommyblogger" when you have little kids, but once they are old enough to read what's being written about them, there are privacy issues to consider.  Their lives are their own, not an extension of mine.

I also have a job, and I don't write about that much either, again due to privacy issues.  The people I test don't consent to being blogged about, even if I don't name names.  So for the most part, the daily details of work have been off-limits as well.

There are days that I really do appreciate my job, however, and today was one of them.  I work in a neuropsychology office, administering and scoring IQ, academic, and neuropsychological tests.  The patients I see are typically kids / teens / young adults, although I do also see older adults on occasion.  These patients are referred to our office for a variety of issues: learning problems, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, head injuries, memory problems, dementia - you get the idea.  I spend about 4 hours with a patient, collecting as much data as I can with regard to memory, executive functioning, processing speed, IQ, etc., score and compile it all into a report and hand it off to the neuropsychologist,who then does his thing with it.  

It's actually the perfect job for me.  I generally work three days per week (leaving the other two for morning teaching / training), and I am usually wrapping up by 1:00 or so, which leaves time to run an errand or go home and regroup before the kids get home from school.  It's nice to be using my (rather expensive) psychobiology degree.  Even though I was trained as a researcher, not a clinician, the job itself requires more research skills than clinical skills anyway.  I'm not there to listen and and converse with people about their issues; I'm there to collect data.  Staying detached and objective is what I do best. And when I finish with a patient, I'm finished.  There's no taking work home, no need to build relationships or follow up after the fact.  I collect data, crunch numbers, file a report.

The fact that I give the same tests all of the time makes the day boring at times - but the fact that I give these tests to a different person every time makes up for it.  Looking for interesting patterns, making behavioral observations, analyzing it all and sharing my conclusions gives the job an added dimension of challenge that keeps me engaged and excited about the work.  

Grateful to be working so much this month, at a job so very suited for my lifestyle and temperament.

Training Wisdom

So I mentioned that I was working harder to stay on top in BJJ now, and starting to attempt some submissions.  Tonight was no different.  The submissions don't always work, and this is never a surprise to me - most of my partners are better and more experienced and are able to escape before I can finish things.

So after rolling with me himself, my coach offered me this:  Don't attempt a submission until you've managed to hold your position for a full minute.  If you can do this, you'll get a lot better.

That should be quite a challenge, but I'm determined to try.  People will likely think I'm weird for getting a position and just hanging out (if I am even successful at it), but I'm sure he's right about how this will help my game, so I'll do it.

Should be interesting.

Continued Progress

So it's been 4+ months since my promotion at the dojang.  As I mentioned in the previous post, it was a tough test, but an easy transition to my new rank this time.  I've started working on my next set of material, and I'm enjoying the time I spend there immensely. On Tuesday mornings, I'm back to assisting The Master with the homeschool children's class, I'm taking two adult morning classes, one or two evening classes, and one or two cardio kickboxing classes.  Surrounded by the people with whom I most enjoy working, I feel valued and appreciated, and comfortable in my own space there.  

My schedule hasn't changed much, but I have been spending more of my Friday nights and Saturday mornings at BJJ/Judo now, in addition to Sunday afternoons, and the weeknights I'm not at the dojang.  I assist with two children's BJJ classes per week, which are always a learning experience for me as well. Occasionally, on a Saturday or a weekday (if I'm not scheduled to work), my female coach and I meet up to roll on our own.  

On July 22, I received my 2nd stripe.  My other coach (her husband) had some nice things to say when he called me up to receive it, which made me feel great.  Feeling valued and appreciated there as well.

As far as the rollz themselves, I'm still struggling, especially given the fact that I continue to feel like the smallest and weakest person in there.  Even my lightest regular training partners have at least 20 pounds on me, with the exception of my (female) coach.  And although she's closer in size, she's a 2 stripe brown belt, so... yeah.  Also, I just turned 46 and I'm guessing the median age there is mid-to-late 20s.  Despite my other training, and some truly excellent outside coaching, I still step on the mat already at a huge disadvantage.

Given all of that, I do feel like I'm learning and improving.  I'm slowly starting to get a few submissions on other white belts, and my defense is a lot better.  Tired of struggling while trapped under much heavier opponents, I've focused on not getting there in the first place.  I try to stay on top, focus on advancing my position and recognizing and avoiding traps, and I attempt a few submissions if I can.  I have two favorite chokes and a straight armbar from side control, the Americana and the spinning armbar from mount, and a choke and several armlocks I routinely attempt from bottom of guard.  For now, that's plenty to work on. Simply lasting longer and not being submitted myself is a win at this point.  

As always, keeping things in perspective is important.  When I lamented my situation to the guru ("I'm being smooshed by beginners!"), he pointed out that, in the grand scheme of things, I'm still a beginner myself, and size really does make a difference.  It will be a long while before I have the technical skill to defeat a younger, stronger, heavier opponent, and even then, it won't be easy against one who trains as well and won't likely fall for setups or tricks.  

It's hard, both mentally and physically - harder than anything else I've done - but extremely gratifying to see myself improving from one month to the next. It's a bit of an obsession - when I'm not working, training, or engaged in family / house responsibilities, I am learning via books and videos.  I have a dummy at home for practice.  The complexity of it is overwhelming, which is part of what I love so much about it.  

And it's fun.  Crazy fun, with some of my favorite friends, both old and new. :)