The Kayak Needs a Name

... and quickly, because the little Savages have started calling it the Mim SlimJim.  They've decided that its hue somewhat resembles a SlimJim wrapper. 

Not that they would know what that looks like, since I only allow good, wholesome, non-processed food in my house... right?

(sigh...)

Anyway, the good news is we took it out today and it is indeed Creekworthy.

We had yet another unseasonably warm November day and the quackers and honkers were also paddling around on the creek.  Little and I took a ride together to check them out. 


Middle thinks the kayak is okay, but doesn't really need one of his own. He was content to take the pictures. Little, on the other hand, can't wait for me to find a second one so we can go out together all the time.  I'm keeping an eye on Craigslist.


All in all, it was another great day.  Happy in the house, listening to good music and being productive; happy outdoors, enjoying what might be the last of the warm weather and doing something different with the little Savages.

But I need a better name for the boat.  Or a fresh coat of paint.

Finally...

After years and years of hearing me talk about getting a kayak, for my 42nd birthday my Book Club friends decided I'd waited long enough and they were going to make it happen.

So today, this:

Became this:

Thank you thank you thank you all so much for this incredible gift.  Can't wait to get it out on the creek, (and to get a second one - I want to go out paddling with each and every one of you.)

Love you all...

I Smell Like Campfire

Another beautiful day for November.  I'm happy to report that I spent a large part of it sitting by a campfire,  hanging out with my young teenager, just talking about life and enjoying each other's company while Savageman and Little were off doing Cub Scout things.

I hadn't intended to on the Scout hayride this year.  I told everyone I had too much to do at home.  But it was too gorgeous a day to skip it and stay inside writing.  Or assembling more IKEA furniture, for that matter. Glad I made the decision I did, because it was all still here when I got back, with no harm done.

Plus I smell like Campfire, which is never, never a bad thing.

Life is too short to turn down opportunities to stop and smell like Campfire.

Getting my fragrant self caught up this evening.  First, a 2400 word sprint (from which I am taking a break right now with about 1300 words to go).  By then, the prospect of putting some furniture together may seem more appealing, especially since the boys are out getting a movie for us to watch.

I'm procrastinating much less this year when it comes to NaNoWriMo.  I sit down and start writing.  That's it.  It reminds me very much of an archeological dig.  The story is there - all I have to do is use the tools I have - the little chisels and brushes - to bring it out into the open one tiny piece at a time.  It's very satisfying, because I don't know what I'm uncovering next or what other discoveries each new uncovered part will lead to.  I have no idea of what's going to happen; I'm just taking it as it comes and letting my characters decide what they want to do next.  It's a dynamic process.  I hope I'm doing the story justice and using the right tools - and not being too clumsy with them.

Of course, whenever I think something like that, I have to stop to remind myself once again that it's a first draft of a first novel and it's supposed to suck at this stage.  Just so I won't be too disappointed when I finally do go back and read it all. January is the month for editing.  Right now, all I'm supposed to do is get the story down.  And that part is going very well.

On that note... my break is over.  Savageman has just returned with the movie and a Chocolate Orange (Whack and Unwrap!) for me to reward myself with when I hit my 20,000 word mark.  Hopefully in about an hour.

Diving back in...

Happy Birthday, Middle!

Today was 11-11-11.

And Middle turned 13.

Needless to say, there was much celebration... And we're still celebrating, so I'm doing this quickly so I can get back to the kids. 

They're the best kids in the world, but they sure do like to stay up late...

Oh, never mind... They're asleep.

Seriously, though...

Lying in a heap on my family room floor are actually some of the hardest working, most amazing kids I have ever had the pleasure to know and work with on a daily basis.  I learn so much from them and they never cease to inspire me.  Middle included.

2011 Battle of Baltimore

So grateful for these kids, and for Middle.  My teenager, who's as tall as me now and has a deep manly voice that makes me wonder who's the stranger in the house during the day. 

2011 Pumpkin Fest, Enola

I love and admire him more than I can begin to express in words.

Almost Done

With the main floor of the house, that is.

The IKEA Furniture arrives today, and my wonderful friend has offered to put it together with me.  Judging from how the first few pieces went yesterday (the ones that did come home in the car), it's a lot easier with two people, especially when one of them is experienced and patient, and not at all nervous about handing a screwdriver to Little and putting him to work.

That would be her, not me. :-)

 Yesterday, we made this:

Today, we could be starting on this:

Or this:

Or this:

Can't wait to see what this all looks like once it's put together and that big open space is finally full and able to be used.  Still need lighing in there, and maybe one more piece of art. And different curtains. 

This morning, I paid all the bills, including all the purchases and improvements we've made on the house this fall.  Happy to see that it's all paid off with plenty leftover for the staircase and whatever we decide to do upstairs.  Refinancing was a good move. 

So, to date:  The basement has been reclaimed.  The storage areas are clear of excess clutter and there are plenty of empty shelves available for use.  The trip to the laundry room is no longer an obstacle course.  The toys the kids have outgrown are gone, the game closet is neat and organized and the doors are fixed.  All excess coats are stored there also. The remaining toys, art supplies, science tools, etc. are neatly organized on shelves.  The educational books are neatly organized in two new bookcases.  The TV area features the two oversized chairs from the living room with the ottoman, so it is a comfortable space to watch a movie alone or with friends.

Upstairs, the old carpet and Pergo has been replaced with hardwood.  The broken kitchen drawer and pantry door have been fixed.  We have a new fridge, microwave and toaster oven.  Fresh paint and new window hardware in the living and dining rooms.  New art on the living room wall, and soon the new furniture as well. 

Still to be done: the staircase - which the Man looked at yesterday, and the lighting, curtains and art mentioned above.  Maybe a throw rug eventually, but I'm still not ready to cover up the lovely new floor.

And I might change the green in the hallway.  This winter we will paint the basement walls, and Savageman is working every night to clean out his own basement office so it can be used.

Little might wind up getting his own room after all, if we have other places to store the books and CDs in the upstairs office.  We haven't even touched the upstairs yet.  Maybe this spring.

It's all shaping up. 

25%

It's 10:30 and I'm eating a McFlurry.

Peanut Butter Cup.

Very tasty.

Savageman just brought it home - he's been at the McDonalds with Middle and the karate friends for the last two hours, where it seems he was telling them all about my NaNoWriMo project.  I called to let him know I was coming up on 15,000 words - a quarter of the way to the 50,000 word goal - and he brought me home this treat.

Savageman's awesome that way.

I actually started today a full day behind.  Squeezed in some writing while Middle and Little were doing math, and then got the rest of the way caught up this evening.  It meant parking Little in front of the computer for some Netflix viewing tonight, but being caught up again was worth it.

I've been attempting this every November for several years now, but this is the first time I've really felt good about it.  Good story, good characters... no idea what's going to happen, so it's almost as fun and suspenseful as reading someone else's book. 

As for the writing itself?  I really don't know.  That's the Inner Editor's department and I fired her for the month.  There are some things that I know she likes, and I'm taking care to remember those for when she comes back.  I'm using colorful verbs.  But I haven't read it over, I haven't changed anything, I just pick up each day with where I left off and move it forward. 

In NaNoWriMo, it's all about the word count.  No time to worry about anything else.  That's the beauty of it.


I'm attributing much of my success so far this month to the Fall Declutter Effort.  Clearing my space and my head of the mess and distractions has lightened the load on me considerably. I'm also taking better care of myself, eating well, exercising 2+ hours almost every day, and getting really good sleep.  All of this makes me happier and more productive in general. 

Good stuff to remind myself if I start feeling dreary later in the winter.  :-)

I'm going to finish my McFlurry and watch at least part of a movie with Savageman.  It was thanks to his efforts to keep the kids away from me tonight that I got caught up. 

I think I'll save him the last few bites.

Today Was Just Plain Awesome

... and I'm not just saying that because I didn't spend it trapped inside the Baltimore IKEA.

Okay, maybe I am.  A little.

What an amazing, glorious day. Everything felt good. I wrote, spent time with the kids, planned and prepared a special celebratory meal for the Teen (who texted me that he had made the Honor Roll), had time outside, time with friends on the phone... it was a full day.

And that was without kicking and punching, which I skipped in order to cook the big meal.  I'll be happy to get back to that again tomorrow.  If it's as nice as today was, I'll squeeze a run in as well. 

Saturday night, a friend asked if I wanted to join her team for this.  I'm thinking about it.  Whether I decide to do it or not, just knowing that it's a realistic, attainable goal at this point makes me feel pretty darn good in itself.  Middle said he'd train with me (although he's too young to participate), and Savageman was supportive as always.  It would certainly be an experience.  And, I am learning, one of the best things I can do as a parent.

I can lecture the boys until I'm blue in the face about working hard to achieve a goal, embracing a challenge, living life to the fullest, seizing the day, giving something everything you've got and then reaching inside yourself and finding more to give - all that stuff we like to tell kids - but it's the example I set - seeking out new experiences, taking on new challenges - that they will remember. 

When Middle is pushing himself through a grueling hour of cardio kickboxing class, I hope he occasionally glances across the room at his 42 year old mom and sees she's pushing through the same workout. Although he's been at it longer and is much better than me, for where I am, I'm putting in the time and sweat and doing my very best. Not to please or impress anyone else, not because I'm being forced to do it, just for the sheer joy of mastering a new skill.


I want nothing less for them.  Life should be one non-stop amazing adventure.

The best way to cultivate that attitude is to fearlessly live it myself.

Land of the Swedish Furniture

It's 11:43, I'm totally fried, and I'm just sitting down now to do all of today's writing.

Why?

Because I spent the day with Savageman roaming through the Baltimore IKEA store.


And when I say "the day," I mean the whole day.

Don't get me wrong, Savageman's a hoot. We have a great time together, especially on the rare occasion we can get away without the kids.

But furniture shopping together? Not our favorite thing.

So really, I should be happy that he went at all. And he was excellent company. We had a nice drive to and from, we had a lovely lunch together in the cafe, and we did all kinds of goofy things together with all the amazing props we had at our disposal in the store.

But making decisions on things - especially things we will have to live with for a long time - it's not easy.

Part of the reason why it's not easy is the same reason we're such a good team. We approach these situations from completely different angles.

I would prefer to walk into the place, look around, pick something, pay for it and leave. In like, 5 minutes. If I got it home and it wasn't quite right, I'd simply adjust.

He needs to think about everything, examine every possibility, look through the catalog, talk to the salesperson, look at all the options again, sit down and think it over... you get the idea.

As a result, there have been many times that he has talked me out of a purchase that I thought would be perfect - and he was right.   Other times, we wind up with exactly the thing I picked out in 5 minutes, but after taking 6 weeks for him to decide. 

We only had one day, so we managed to balance each other out - my desire to be quick and efficient and not overthink things, and his desire to ponder more thoroughly - and in the end, we were able to be (relatively) patient with each other and we bought more furniture than we could fit in the minivan, even with the seats down.

 

It's being delivered Thursday.

A whole wall of shelving for our books and CDs, a loveseat and chair, a buffet for the dining room, and a bunch of accessories - our main floor will be just about done, with plenty of storage to (hopefully) keep it clean and uncluttered. 

But first, I have to put it all together...

Birthday Night Out

Our much-anticipated bar tour started with drinks and gifts at the Brewhouse in Camp Hill.

From there, we headed over to the Camp Hill Appalachian Brewing Company where we ate.

Lost a few members and picked up a few more, then headed out to the West Shore Hardware Bar for dancing.

Good dancing photos are so hard to get - but this one wasn't bad... Dancing Fools, we were...

Glad that Savageman drove and stayed until the end.  So much more fun with him along.




NaNoWriMo update: 10017 words!  1/5 done.  :-)

Still Writing

So my main character had a really wordy anxiety attack and I managed to get to 6661 words - right on target for the night. 

Then today, I pushed through to 8461 - slightly ahead of where I need to be, which is just how I'm liking it. 

And none of my characters even had to start reading aloud from the dictionary.

Such a new thing for me, to actually be more and more ahead each day instead of more and more behind.  According to my stats, I now only have to write 1598 words per day to finish on time.  Which really doesn't take much time now that the Inner Editor is locked up tightly in a box in the back corner of the storage room in the back corner of the basement.  Haven't heard a peep out of her and I'm liking that too. 

:-)

The rest of my day will likely revolve around driving Middle and his Ninja friends from the mall to wherever else they want to go and then back to their houses so that the adult Ninja and their spouses can go out for an evening of eating, drinking, dancing, and general merriment.

After which I will come home and read The Paris Wife until I fall asleep.  Because not only is it NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo month, I have Book Club in a few weeks and I think everyone is reading or has read the book for a change. 

Gotta love November. 

:-D

I Have a Lot of Writing to Do

... so I've got to be quick here.

Spent the day cleaning, teaching and being Responsible.

Spent the evening kicking and punching and hanging out at the pizza joint with the karate peeps. One of my bestest karate buddies has put together this amazing bar tour / dancing night to celebrate my birthday tomorrow with a jillion of our karate friends, complete with little printout reminders of which bar we intend to hit at which time.

Never mind the fact that my birthday was last month and I've already forgotten about it - I think we all just really needed a night out and this is the excuse.

But I'll take it. :-)

And serious props to my friend for all the work she put into the planning and inviting and printing and designating drivers - all while she's been working, moving, fixing up two houses (one to sell, one to live in) and coming in for karate every night. She's the busiest working mother of three that I know, and she's made this night out a huge priority.

So big smoochy smooches to my pal who's making me feel way special right now - I'm secretly planning how to return the favor for her in June.

And now I need to write about 2000 words to get back on NaNoWriMo track. And it's 11:25 PM.

Hope something REALLY interesting happens in my story tonight.

Childbirth Blues

I wrapped up another Bradley childbirth class tonight.

The last class is always bittersweet.  I've spent 10-12 weeks with these couples, getting to know them, their backgrounds, their hopes, their fears, answering their questions, coaching them along and teaching them to be coaches for each other.  I've watched friendships grow and develop between the couples - friendships that often continue after their babies arrive, since they have that all-consuming mutual experience of New Parenthood in common. 

Tonight I said goodbye to them. 

Two of the couples have already had their babies, and one was there with their newborn tonight, which was great for the others to see.  We talked about what to expect, the joys, the frustrations, the bonding, the feeding, the sleeping, the swaddling...

The theme has shifted from the birth itself, which I reminded them will only be a few hours, to Parenthood, which is the whole rest of their lives.

They will never be the same.

Feeling so honored to have been a part of this transition in the lives of these special people.  They're going to be wonderful parents.

Here's Something New...

I'm actually ahead in my word count for probably the first time ever.  And the little stats window on the NaNoWriMo page tells me I now need 1600 words per day to finish on time instead of the traditional 1667.  Very gratifying.

It was actually an extremely productive day all around.  I'm always uber-productive when I'm procrastinating.

We got a ton of schoolwork done, I actually prepared good food, had a beautiful walk and visit with a friend, spent three hours at the dojang, took a trip to the grocery store with Middle on the way home, and then sat down and wrote 4 pages.  Which is pretty much what I need to stay ahead.

Four pages isn't so bad.  Although my back aches from sitting at the desk - or maybe it was the emphasis on falls tonight during class. 

I have no fear of falling, I just hate hitting the mat.

You were warned, remember?

And while I did procrastinate, fully enjoying all the uber-productivity that happened as a result, I didn't stress over the writing itself.  I just did it.  Didn't worry about whether it was good or bad, whether I chose the right word here or there, whether I'd ever be able to show it to anyone... I just wrote it and enjoyed the process.

It's okay if it sucks.  It's a first draft of a first novel.  I have realistic expectations of it, and of myself. 

If I can teach my kids to be this loving and accepting of themselves in life, they may not be fantabulous, but they'll probably be happy.

Maybe even both.

Literary Abandon

Thinking about thinking today.

And how sometimes less is more.

Something in the article I read yesterday reminded me of something I hear all too often from my karate instructors.  Don't think.

In martial arts, we call it mushin. 

FightingArts.com describes it like this:

"A Zen term referring to that state of mental clarity and enhanced perception (sensory and intuitive) known as pure mind, produced by the absence of conscious thought, ideas, judgments, emotion (fear and anxiety), pre-conception, or self-consciousness. A product of Zen meditative training. For the warrior, meditation (towards mushin) was an important compliment to technical training. Through mushin the mind is not absent, but instead is freed. No longer inhibited, slowed, distracted, or clogged the mind was free to fully perceive, respond and commit to action. The mind is not fixed on anything and is open to everything; a mind expanded through the whole body with total awareness of and focus on everything."

One instructor in particular has been working with me on this when we're sparring.  She'll start out nice and slow, and I'll be thinking about strategy, analyzing what she's doing, looking for patterns, remembering new techniques I want to try... and getting my butt kicked. 

"You're thinking too much.  Cut it out."

She picks up the pace.  Suddenly I'm overwhelmed.  Kicks and punches are coming too fast for me to do anything but block and counter, block and counter.  I want it to stop, but I have no choice but to keep fighting.

And then something happens.  Maybe the adrenaline kicks in, maybe one part of my brain shuts off while another part clicks on, maybe I just reach the point at which I give up control and just surrender to instinct.  But I start to fight, and I start to fight well.

According to her, that is. 

I have no idea of how I'm doing because I'm no longer thinking, not assessing or planning.  I'm in The Zone and some part of my awareness is hearing her saying, "Now you're fighting!  Much better.  Keep it up.  Don't think."

Much like the surrender and relaxation techniques I teach my childbirth students, it seems counterintuitive.  But the more you feel it working, the more you want to do it, and the easier it comes. 

The question is, can I take that same state of mushin and apply it to my writing? 

I wonder if there's a program out there which could force me to type faster than I think...

Halloween 2011

The phone / internet came back on today.

Spooky.  It was a Halloween Miracle.

Today was indeed Halloween, but in our part of the world, we Trick-or-Treat the Thursday before, just to be weird. 

Anyway, I saved the picture for the actual holiday:



Middle, Little, and their Ninja Buddies

It was really hard getting this picture - the rest were blurry streaks of excited children running from house to house.  Thankfully, the man with the bowl of candy at this particular house (perhaps taking pity on the flustered parents with cameras) required them all to line up in an orderly fashion, so I seized the moment. 

They had quite the wacky fun time.  Of course, the best part was sitting around the living room trading the candy with each other afterwards.  Which I missed because I was teaching my childbirth class, but I heard it was fun.

Good, sugary fun.

And now that October is drawing to a close, I'm gearing up for NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo.  Hoping to keep my fingers extra busy this month, especially since I finally fired the Inner Editor and Other Critical Voices with the tail end of this fall's Life Purge.  There could be oodles of crappy writing, especially with no one doing quality control, so if you don't enjoy crappy writing, (or reading about my life in general), I advise you to STAY AWAY because the innmates are now running the asylum. 

Consider yourselves warned.

WhoooHaaaaHaaaaHaaaaHaaaaHaaa!

>:-)

Halloween Snow Weekend Continued

So last night our phone went out.

And of course, with the phone went the DSL.

Verizon tells us they will be happy to send a service tech out November 9th.

*!*

So here I am, at my parents' house, checking my email and taking care of all my other online business.  We lost phone service for a week during the last big storm, and I didn't have a smart phone then, so this time should be a bit easier. 

But still.

NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo start in 2 days.  Granted, I don't need internet to work on NaNoWriMo.  As a matter of fact, the distraction might be a hinderance.  NaBloPoMo is another story, but there are opportunities to sign up for that every month now, so it's not as big a deal.  I guess I can blog about how badly NaNoWriMo is going from my phone or my parents' for the first part of November if I really want to do that.

Which begs the question, "Why am I doing this again?"  Every year I try, and every year I crash and burn at the Write-A-Novel-In-A-Month challenge. 

It's probably something to do with the mentality I learned doing martial arts: as long as I keep showing up and doing my best, whatever my best might look like on that particular day, I'm going to improve more than if I had just stayed at home.  You can apply that same philosophy to pretty much everything - maybe it goes for writing too.  God knows I spend enough time writing every day, whether the end result is something I publish or something I leave as a draft.  Being comfortable with the fact that first drafts, especially ones thrown down in 30 days, are supposed to suck, is part of the challenge, part of the fun. 

It's an exercise in muzzling my Inner Editor and other Critical Voices and just running around barefoot in my imagination, allowing myself to totally suck - and still feeling good about who I am and the fact that I keep showing up to give it my best shot.

It's therapy for a brain that spent decades being paralyzed by perfectionism, being far too self-critical and sensitive to the disapproval of others.

Screw it all, I say.

I love my sucky writing, and I love that once a year I can attempt to churn out vast quantities of it for an entire month.

Curling up tonight with my copy of No Plot? No Problem! and a big goofy grin on my face.

:-)

Halloween Snow Weekend

Okay, this is just weird.
 

Back porch.  Taken earlier today.

A few days ago, it was about 70 and beautiful. Now it's snowing. It's been snowing all day and there's probably 6 inches piled up out there.



"ROBUSTO!" says Savageman.

It was actually nice to have a snow day.  I made Italian Fall Soup with Collards from the CSA newsletter, and Little and I made butter & maple syrup snow candy.

Maple snow taffy

Little built us a fire and spent much of the day outside in the snow with his buddies, and Savageman and I got some house projects done.  The Teen was at work for a large part of the day, and Middle spent the day at an indoor skate park riding his rip stick.

Little's Fire

So far, we still have power, although I understand several thousand people in our county do not.  Heavy snow falling on trees that still have leaves is supposedly a big problem for power lines.  Keeping our fingers crossed and our candles handy.

After we get Middle from the skate park, the plan is to hunker down and watch a movie.  But if we lose power, at least we have this nice fire and several organized, decluttered shelves of board games we can play together. 

Snow in October.

Weird, yes.  But not too awful.

Friday Night Mixing Bowl

Friday night is sparring night at our karate school. 

The kids have the first hour, taking turns sparring in a ring with judges, going for points like they would in a tournament.  They wear protective gear and there are very specific rules regarding where and how hard they can hit.

The second hour + is for the adults and teens, who pair up and spar continuously, without judges, wearing minimal gear and switching partners every 15-20 minutes or so until we've had at least 4 fights each.  Courtesy rules apply as always, but beyond that, anything goes.  "Kick and punch him and try not to let him kick and punch you," were my instructions when I began.  Depending on who you pair with, you could be in for a gentle talk-and-tap with a friend, or an adrenaline-spiking, sweat-drenching, "holy-crap-I'm-dead-meat" serious fight with an adversary who will hit you hard if you don't protect yourself. 

A good night for me has some of each.

Afterward, we shake hands, hug, pat each other on the back...

and go out for pizza.

Our school almost completely takes over the pizza joint every Friday.  People of all different ages, fitness levels, socioeconomic statuses, educational backgrounds, belief systems, employment histories, cultural backgrounds, political persuasions,  etc. sit down and eat and talk and have a great time.  In most cases, the only thing they have in common is the karate school. They are either karate people or are parents, siblings, or spouses of karate people.

It's like a big family dinner every week, with the adults at one big table and the kids piling into several booths, playing silly word games, sitting on each other, looking at each other's electronic devices, and eventually heading outside to skateboard or ripstick, loiter at the Big Lots, or walk to the Cinema Center for a movie. 

Tonight, the teens and tweens saw a movie, so it was calmer than usual - until they got back.

Friday night facebook will often feature silly pictures they took at the restaurant or in the movie theater with their phones.  They're already starting to trickle into my news feed.

The adult table is quite lively as well.  Conversational topics vary widely and wildly.  There's a lot of laughter.  Everyone is kind and relaxed, open and friendly.

Even the normally reclusive Savageman will come out for Friday night pizza, and he'll do it even on nights when I have another commitment and can't be there myself.  Which says a lot.  It used to be weird, knowing he was there hanging out with my friends while I was at book club or away camping or whatever, but now they're just as much his friends as they are mine.  Which makes me very happy.

When I think about the fact that family dinner at our house happens in shifts, that we stand in the kitchen and munch, sometimes together, sometimes not, I realize how far we've drifted from the evening ritual I had wanted for us.  Karate and our other sports have made sit-down family meals all but impossible for years now. 

But we always have Sunday dinners at my parents' house, and we have Friday dinners with the karate family.  Rituals we can count on, that we look forward to, that make us feel warm and happy and connected.

Celebrating a birthday with one of Little's homemade cakes.

It's not a bad trade-off.

42

I had a really good birthday.

The day started with coffee and a treat with a homeschooling friend, followed by morning martial arts class.  Middle and I had a good workout and also learned something called a 15 Lock Drill where we used pressure points and joint manipulation on the arms, wrists and fingers in 15 different ways, some more creative (and more painful) than others.  I'm happy to report that he's been gung-ho to practice this new skill every chance he gets.  "Grab my arm, mom."  Sigh.  The good news is that when you don't push these techniques all the way to the point of real pain, it gives everything a great stretch. 

As we crossed the creek on the way home, it hit me that it was a beautiful day and I had really wanted to spend it on the water.  My Craigslist kayak deal had fallen through, and I felt a pang of sadness that today would not be the day to put my new kayak in the water as I had originally planned.

I remembered that a good homeschooling / martial arts friend who lives across the creek from me had offered the use of her 3 kayaks whenever we wanted to use them.  I called her.

Not only was she willing to loan them, she drove us up the road a ways to a good put-in and we spent the next 90 minutes or so exploring the Conodoguinet as we traveled back to her house. 

Awesome time. Beautiful day.

I came home On Top Of the World. Did some tidying up, flushed the toilet in the boys' bathroom (because they're always forgetting) and took a minute to check some stuff on the computer. Took an online punch to the chest* and watched as yucky water poured out of the light fixture above the kitchen sink at the exact same moment. Scrambled to deal with both.  Shit happens. 

Regrouped and headed back to the dojang for two more hours of class and kickboxing. 

Came home feeling pleasantly exhausted, changed and headed out for dinner and beers with part of the dojang crowd who will be out of town the night we had actually planned to celebrate and go dancing. Savageman got the kids settled in and came out too, which was great.

Collapsed into bed after midnight, having truly experienced a full day.



*As for the online punch:  It was brought to my attention in a rather painful way that my last post, in which I mentioned a past relationship, was viewed by that person and it upset her.  Seeing it through her eyes, I understood why, and I was sorry to have hurt her.  It wasn't intended to do that, merely to remind myself of some conclusions I'd reached after a great deal of processing.  All I can say is that when a relationship ends, you can dwell on the things you miss, or you can focus on reasons it worked out for the best.  I've spent plenty of time doing the former, and now I've moved on to the latter.

I'm sure she could think of similar things about me that she has missed and things she's glad to be done with.  For her, the cons outweighed the pros of continuing our friendship. 

Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let her go when she asks you to.

Birthday Thoughts

A good friend cornered me at the dojang last week and reminded me that my birthday is coming up and we need to pick a night to celebrate.

It's true. I'm turning 42 in a few days.

42 isn't a bad number. The shock of "Omigod I'm turning 40 and my life is almost half over and what have I really got to show for it" has worn off. As has the accompanying mid-life crisis.

To some extent, anyway.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last two or three years of rediscovering myself, it's that your true friends stand by you and encourage you, no matter what. They love you, support you, cheer for you and celebrate with you. They take pleasure in seeing you happy and fulfilled and you do the same for them, regardless of where you are in your own journey in that particular area of life, whether it be career, parenting, marriage, fitness, household management... whatever.

I've been fortunate enough this last year or so to be surrounded by people who are as comfortable with their own strengths and weaknesses as I am with mine. We all want to see each other succeed in our endeavors, and if one of us makes a forward leap, it's inspiration and encouragement for the others, not a cause for hurt or envy. Such a contrast from the days when I could expect anger and resentment for taking positive steps in my marriage, continuing to homeschool my kids, working at getting physically fit, enjoying time with my other friends, or even investing money in fixing up my home.

I've also learned that believing you can love and nurture someone out of her anger and defensiveness is naive. The energy spent managing such a relationship while still attempting forward progress of your own makes for a very difficult and conflict-ridden time.  Just because you believe in and encourage the dreams and goals of another person doesn't mean she will do the same for you.  A heartbreaking lesson to learn, but a valuable one all the same.

And I'm writing this down because it's important for me to remember as I move forward post-purge with a deeper appreciation of the friends I've reconnected with.  So grateful for people who cheer each other on, rejoice in each other's successes, and support and encourage each other through life's challenges.  My life would be so different without them.

Looking forward to celebrating another birthday with my newly refinished, uncluttered home  - and heart.

Another year older = another year wiser.

One Week

It's been a week since the floor project ended.

For me, anyway.  Savageman continued dealing with it, and the designer, etc. over the weekend, but I was doing martial arts stuff - including a national tournament in Baltimore where Middle took 2nd in Weapons Forms and 1st in Fighting.  His whole team did great - 6 competitors, 7 firsts in their various events and levels.  A great day overall.

Great for me to get away too.  After weeks and weeks of having the house torn up, working morning until night on the cleaning and decluttering effort, having people in the house, not being free to come and go as needed, sending the kids to my parents' house to get their schoolwork done, missing martial arts classes - I feel like I'm coming out of a fog and seeing my life again.  When I walked into the dojang on Monday, one of my friends commented right away, "You are absolutely glowing.  Everything about you looks different.  It's like a huge weight has been lifted."

How right she was.

There's more to be done, of course - there always will be.  But I've been doing it on my own, a little at a time.  Hanging curtains, replacing cabinet hinges, shopping for appliances and furniture, caulking and painting, looking at staircase ideas, cleaning and decluttering.  I've managed to keep the main floor clean this week, thanks to all the storage that we've freed up in the basement.  Two new storage pieces in the dining room and a wall of shelves in the living room will help even more. 

But we're taking our time with all that. 

In addition to reclaiming the house, I've also made an effort to reconnect with the other people in my life this week.  Lots of time with the karate friends, a long walk with my very good non-karate friend, book club tonight to kick off my birthday weekend.

It's important to me, this social time.  Going too long without it makes me wiggy.  I'm blessed with some very special friends, who took up a kayak collection for my birthday and put it in a homemade paper kayak.

So now I have no excuse.

After the month I've had, some sanity time paddling around on the creek sounds pretty darn good.

Progress:

Before

Little removing tack strips and staples from the subfloor



New paint, new underlayment and natural hickory hardwood

Little and Savageman removing old carpet and flooring

Brutal

No regrets, no looking back.

In the areas where we've worked this week, there is nothing left except those few things I could strongly justify keeping.  What I've saved for pure sentimental value is boxed up properly.  My storage areas are 3/4 empty.

And we're still not done.

As for the rest of the stuff that was cluttering up my house and constantly draining my energy?

I'm sitting here in my garage staring at it, hoping that people will give me money for it.  Half of my driveway is covered.

And right behind me is the trash.  Bags and bags and bags of it. 

I'm drained. 

Part of what makes this process so brutal - and it really has been brutal - isn't so much parting with the stuff.  It's stuff I wasn't using, wasn't missing, and in many cases didn't even know I had.  It's dealing with the fact that I ever let it get to this point in the first place.

Never. Again.

Ditto for the other things, people, thoughts and behaviors that distract me from the important things in my life, drain my tank, cause more hurt than happiness, lead to more frustration than enjoyment. 

I'm purging it all.  And this time, I'm being brutal about it.

Remembering how lovely my garden looked once I had yanked all the weeds.