Saturday, December 17, 2011

Night Out / Deep Thoughts

After a whole day of hanging around the house, listening to Pandora and doing various House Projects, it was great to get out tonight for some live music with a friend.  Good music, good companionship, many beers, and my friend introduced me to a fascinating Sufi Healer who suggested that my rib injury will resolve once I forgive.

Then she surprised me by telling me it was myself I needed to forgive. 

I thought that was very interesting.  So often, when we think of forgiveness, we think of the hurt we've experienced because of what someone else has done.  The focus is on being able to forgive, or at least accept and release, the other person.  We don't always consider our anger with ourselves for allowing whatever it was to happen in the first place.  Or for believing it couldn't happen.

And that's what lingers, isn't it?

That's what causes people to continue to hurt, to hold back, to be afraid of trusting themselves or others, and, according to this person I met tonight, it sometimes manifests itself in the form of physical injuries or illnesses. 

I don't know if I completely believe that the rib injury sustained during my belt test had anything to do with needing to forgive myself, but it was interesting that that was her immediate instinct about it.  It was certainly something worth examining.

And honestly, she's right.  I am angry with myself. 

And if the rib injury was the vehicle by which I was introduced to this person and got into this particular conversation in which I heard this piece of wisdom which I probably needed to hear from someone else and if I go on to take her advice and work on that now...  then maybe it's served its purpose.

Which would be great, because I'm sick of my ribs hurting. 

As a result of this injury, I have to tell my partners at karate, "I can work with you on this technique, but I have to ask you not to throw me for now."  Or, "I can spar with you, but you can't hit me here."  I have to ask my husband for massages.  I have to ask the kids not to roughhouse with me.

The last two weeks have been an exercise in recognizing my needs and my limits and requesting that others respect those limits.  Practice in an area where I clearly needed work. 

That, and reframing my expectations of what I believe should happen if I work hard to do everything right.  Expecting to be treated fairly in return was setting myself up for heartbreak and injury.

I knew the risks of throwing myself down on that mat.

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